The Ravings: May 21, 2010 - Belonging
I don't know if this is the second or third time I've gotten out of bed after giving up on waiting for my mind to stop churning on thoughts. The first time was rather rewarding, though. *headscratch* Skinner box dislikes this.
Anyways.
Tonight's topic is belonging. I was thinking about the very few times I've ever felt a sense of belonging.
Namely, I've felt this three times.
The first time was at De Anza. It was after Civic Heroes had wound down, but more importantly, after EWRT1C with Lovas and straight through behavioral econ with Mack. I felt a very, very weak sense of belonging with the Student Senate at that time, and with Mosh. It wasn't significant and I barely noticed it even tonight, reflecting on it... but I felt like a De Anza student, several years in. It was the first time I ever felt like I had arrived.
Of course, that ended quickly. Not only were the classes, and the friendships they fostered too transient, but the entire experience and institutional design of De Anza was transient. We all slingshot ourselves around the state (and in my case, out of the state), and that was that. Nadine, Betty, John, Jenn (oh god, Jenn), Jane, ... I've lost track of them all. They're all graduated and doing god knows what now.
So I hit UW. That was my second experience. But this experience was, if anything, a stronger version of a weaker sense of belonging. I felt I belonged in this department. I loved it. I still love it. I think that's palpable to the people there; I got a sterling review when I tutored a fellow student, and I think it was my enjoyment of being a student there as much as my interest in being a good teacher that brought that about.
But that sense of belonging was transient in a different way. It wasn't anchored by people. Michael, Boris, Anna, everyone there... they knew me, and they respected me, but I was never one of them. I love the institution; the people... we got along well.
And then there was the last and, well, actually significant time. When I was dropped into the CSMR team at WP, I felt green and out of place. I negotiated my way into something tolerable, and I was comfortable by the time the teams were rejiggered and a remnant of the CSMR team became the SEO team. Something about being in that team worked. We gelled, and I know I had some small part to do with that because I pushed myself to being a little bit of a leader where possible (and because my manager-at-the-time said it was a good idea).
I don't know how it happened, and I wish I did. I attribute much of it to our tech lead, who I cannot say enough good things about. But we really worked well together. I still think of us as a team, and I felt a very strong sense of belonging there. A real one. Professional, sure, and marked by frustrations as much as triumph, but a definite and visceral sense of belonging. I would have wanted that to last forever.
But, of course it didn't. Teams were refactored again, my manager changed, the team dynamics I existed in were completely revamped, and the center could not hold: things fell apart.
I realized, tonight, that I'd made a mistake. Being a person who keeps his personal life and professional life very far about (hell, I don't have a personal life; whatchutalkin bout?), I never made a serious effort to reconnect to my former teammates. We split up. Most of us are no longer with the company (ahem, hint; no, I wasn't the first to go). And so I just got done emailing them all at their personal addresses.
LinkedIn is awesome that way.
The SEO team was the place where, for the first time, I found myself motivated and interested in participating in a social event. Three of them, actually, though one was Star Trek so it didn't really count as a social event.
First time. [Nixed a bunch of examples, heh.] Fuck, I'm just not a social person, okay? But with the SEO team, I was suddenly looking forward to outings and team celebrations. I was disappointed when I my vacation schedule meant I couldn't join them for the last celebration. (I was ambivalent, too, but definitely disappointed.)
Anyways, I already passed the point where I was going with all this.
It's 4am. I wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep now.
Anyways.
Tonight's topic is belonging. I was thinking about the very few times I've ever felt a sense of belonging.
Namely, I've felt this three times.
The first time was at De Anza. It was after Civic Heroes had wound down, but more importantly, after EWRT1C with Lovas and straight through behavioral econ with Mack. I felt a very, very weak sense of belonging with the Student Senate at that time, and with Mosh. It wasn't significant and I barely noticed it even tonight, reflecting on it... but I felt like a De Anza student, several years in. It was the first time I ever felt like I had arrived.
Of course, that ended quickly. Not only were the classes, and the friendships they fostered too transient, but the entire experience and institutional design of De Anza was transient. We all slingshot ourselves around the state (and in my case, out of the state), and that was that. Nadine, Betty, John, Jenn (oh god, Jenn), Jane, ... I've lost track of them all. They're all graduated and doing god knows what now.
So I hit UW. That was my second experience. But this experience was, if anything, a stronger version of a weaker sense of belonging. I felt I belonged in this department. I loved it. I still love it. I think that's palpable to the people there; I got a sterling review when I tutored a fellow student, and I think it was my enjoyment of being a student there as much as my interest in being a good teacher that brought that about.
But that sense of belonging was transient in a different way. It wasn't anchored by people. Michael, Boris, Anna, everyone there... they knew me, and they respected me, but I was never one of them. I love the institution; the people... we got along well.
And then there was the last and, well, actually significant time. When I was dropped into the CSMR team at WP, I felt green and out of place. I negotiated my way into something tolerable, and I was comfortable by the time the teams were rejiggered and a remnant of the CSMR team became the SEO team. Something about being in that team worked. We gelled, and I know I had some small part to do with that because I pushed myself to being a little bit of a leader where possible (and because my manager-at-the-time said it was a good idea).
I don't know how it happened, and I wish I did. I attribute much of it to our tech lead, who I cannot say enough good things about. But we really worked well together. I still think of us as a team, and I felt a very strong sense of belonging there. A real one. Professional, sure, and marked by frustrations as much as triumph, but a definite and visceral sense of belonging. I would have wanted that to last forever.
But, of course it didn't. Teams were refactored again, my manager changed, the team dynamics I existed in were completely revamped, and the center could not hold: things fell apart.
I realized, tonight, that I'd made a mistake. Being a person who keeps his personal life and professional life very far about (hell, I don't have a personal life; whatchutalkin bout?), I never made a serious effort to reconnect to my former teammates. We split up. Most of us are no longer with the company (ahem, hint; no, I wasn't the first to go). And so I just got done emailing them all at their personal addresses.
LinkedIn is awesome that way.
The SEO team was the place where, for the first time, I found myself motivated and interested in participating in a social event. Three of them, actually, though one was Star Trek so it didn't really count as a social event.
First time. [Nixed a bunch of examples, heh.] Fuck, I'm just not a social person, okay? But with the SEO team, I was suddenly looking forward to outings and team celebrations. I was disappointed when I my vacation schedule meant I couldn't join them for the last celebration. (I was ambivalent, too, but definitely disappointed.)
Anyways, I already passed the point where I was going with all this.
It's 4am. I wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep now.