On Debt
I decided to revisit the " Giving" thing briefly.
Read this:
Equality and Friendship (Nov 2006)
It ends like this:Because it seems to be money that has caused the perceived inequality, money may also be the way back. Be the one who treats the other to dinner every now and then. Buy her gifts for whatever occasions. They don't have to be lavish; just honest. Understand that you're doing it in part for yourself: to build your self-esteem; explain it to her, if need be. If it doesn't help you feel more equal, stop. The goal is to pay back the debt that you believe exists; if you don't believe it exists, there is nothing to pay. I imagine that being able to say, "I can if I want to," will be sufficient. If you feel equal, and she feels equal, and there are no other reasons for the friendship to end, it will turn out fine.
You can see the exact same sentiment echoed here. (And this was written before I read Stranger, mind you.)
The foundation is the same. It's not really about the debt or lack thereof so much as it is about equality. Belief in a debt does a friendship no favors; it's a tension point, causing unnecessary friction, and it strains things. This is also why reciprocity may not be a necessary condition of love: when you start talking about what you deserve from another person, you create debt. You make it economic. Economies are for mediating between two people who don't have time to get to know each other; friendships are not economic.
The balance is always at zero.
It doesn't matter how much is given from one person to another; given is given, and the balance is at zero. The quality of the friendship, and the quality of the individuals involved, may change as a result: a bad gift may lower the bits and a good gift might raise the bits: but the balance never needs to be restored to zero.
The only equality between friends that matters is the perceived equality. True equality involves homogeneity and that's boring and pointless and not friendly at all. (This is a lesson I should have taken to heart myself well over a year ago and admitted to myself that someone simply wasn't my friend anymore because our relationship had gone from dubiously inequal to ridiculously and blatantly inequal; too much of me being generous and him being snide about taking.)
Debt, really, is defined as perceived inequality. Minus the perceived part, I guess, so it's really perceived debt.
You see that?
There's no problem with clearing a debt you believe exists. Whatever that takes, do it. Be honest with the other person and explain what you're doing. But clear it from your mind, one way or another. Otherwise you're just slitting your friendship's wrist and morbidly watching to see how it will die.
Read this:
Equality and Friendship (Nov 2006)
It ends like this:Because it seems to be money that has caused the perceived inequality, money may also be the way back. Be the one who treats the other to dinner every now and then. Buy her gifts for whatever occasions. They don't have to be lavish; just honest. Understand that you're doing it in part for yourself: to build your self-esteem; explain it to her, if need be. If it doesn't help you feel more equal, stop. The goal is to pay back the debt that you believe exists; if you don't believe it exists, there is nothing to pay. I imagine that being able to say, "I can if I want to," will be sufficient. If you feel equal, and she feels equal, and there are no other reasons for the friendship to end, it will turn out fine.
You can see the exact same sentiment echoed here. (And this was written before I read Stranger, mind you.)
The foundation is the same. It's not really about the debt or lack thereof so much as it is about equality. Belief in a debt does a friendship no favors; it's a tension point, causing unnecessary friction, and it strains things. This is also why reciprocity may not be a necessary condition of love: when you start talking about what you deserve from another person, you create debt. You make it economic. Economies are for mediating between two people who don't have time to get to know each other; friendships are not economic.
The balance is always at zero.
It doesn't matter how much is given from one person to another; given is given, and the balance is at zero. The quality of the friendship, and the quality of the individuals involved, may change as a result: a bad gift may lower the bits and a good gift might raise the bits: but the balance never needs to be restored to zero.
The only equality between friends that matters is the perceived equality. True equality involves homogeneity and that's boring and pointless and not friendly at all. (This is a lesson I should have taken to heart myself well over a year ago and admitted to myself that someone simply wasn't my friend anymore because our relationship had gone from dubiously inequal to ridiculously and blatantly inequal; too much of me being generous and him being snide about taking.)
Debt, really, is defined as perceived inequality. Minus the perceived part, I guess, so it's really perceived debt.
You see that?
There's no problem with clearing a debt you believe exists. Whatever that takes, do it. Be honest with the other person and explain what you're doing. But clear it from your mind, one way or another. Otherwise you're just slitting your friendship's wrist and morbidly watching to see how it will die.