The Ravings: December 17, 2009 - Bipolar?
So, my manager says I'm being awesome.
Somehow, my vague thoughts of it being something to celebrate transformed into staying late, asking for a code review, and then eating a microwaved dinner.
Granted, I have been fucking exhausted this entire week (high strung, actually; I'll explain) so it makes sense.
I've been high strung because, well...
When there's danger potential, I tend to key myself up instinctively. This has happened as far back as elementary school. It's largely what drives my rage. Because I feel a need to be ready, I begin manufacturing extra energy. Eventually, my spider sense tingles and I snap.
If I'm snapping at something I can't do anything about, I get angry and frustrated. I swear and I want to physically punish my environment. Give me a person to focus that on and I hurt them. (Oh, I have a crapload more control these days, and I have enough experience at redirecting and curbing my anger that I have lashed out at only one person in the past few years.)
If I'm snapping at something I can do something about, then I dive into a flow state immediately. It's kinda like a VR sim "dive": there's an immediate grokking and I'm in and I'm doing shit. My field of awareness expands like a fucking balloon.
The field is actually physical as much as mental. Despite the fact that the energy is being shot out like a jet of steam, I'm still upping my energy store and waiting for the spidey sense to trigger again. Which is why I use headphones and loud music to block it out when I need my mental awareness. Being "available" is an important state of being for me.
And of course, being like this is stressful. I'm pretty careful to avoid work at all costs while I'm at home, precisely so that I can force myself to unwind and not kill myself.
The weird thing is that I'm also crashing when I come down from this. I don't remember this relationship when I was younger. I get morose and moody in the evenings, and I haven't seen any other cause for this. I think I was pretty obviously five steps away from snapping at my coworker last night, for instance; and I crashed once this afternoon and again this evening. Usually, I just drop down and the energy dissipates while I'm distracted by something shiny but inconsequential. The past two days, I've been mildly pissy.
Crashing is bad, because it has all the drawbacks of being high-strung without any of the benefits. I'm hoping more sleep will fix it. I may need to start working out again.
Somehow, my vague thoughts of it being something to celebrate transformed into staying late, asking for a code review, and then eating a microwaved dinner.
Granted, I have been fucking exhausted this entire week (high strung, actually; I'll explain) so it makes sense.
I've been high strung because, well...
When there's danger potential, I tend to key myself up instinctively. This has happened as far back as elementary school. It's largely what drives my rage. Because I feel a need to be ready, I begin manufacturing extra energy. Eventually, my spider sense tingles and I snap.
If I'm snapping at something I can't do anything about, I get angry and frustrated. I swear and I want to physically punish my environment. Give me a person to focus that on and I hurt them. (Oh, I have a crapload more control these days, and I have enough experience at redirecting and curbing my anger that I have lashed out at only one person in the past few years.)
If I'm snapping at something I can do something about, then I dive into a flow state immediately. It's kinda like a VR sim "dive": there's an immediate grokking and I'm in and I'm doing shit. My field of awareness expands like a fucking balloon.
The field is actually physical as much as mental. Despite the fact that the energy is being shot out like a jet of steam, I'm still upping my energy store and waiting for the spidey sense to trigger again. Which is why I use headphones and loud music to block it out when I need my mental awareness. Being "available" is an important state of being for me.
And of course, being like this is stressful. I'm pretty careful to avoid work at all costs while I'm at home, precisely so that I can force myself to unwind and not kill myself.
The weird thing is that I'm also crashing when I come down from this. I don't remember this relationship when I was younger. I get morose and moody in the evenings, and I haven't seen any other cause for this. I think I was pretty obviously five steps away from snapping at my coworker last night, for instance; and I crashed once this afternoon and again this evening. Usually, I just drop down and the energy dissipates while I'm distracted by something shiny but inconsequential. The past two days, I've been mildly pissy.
Crashing is bad, because it has all the drawbacks of being high-strung without any of the benefits. I'm hoping more sleep will fix it. I may need to start working out again.