Chartreuse is officially the color of GUILT
too much to do in too little time.
on friday, i get on a plane without a return ticket for my east coast whirlwind.
feeling increasingly guilty about money and going to college. Here's what my mother keeps saying, paraphrased:
"go where you want, i want you to be happy. I'll miss you, why do you want to leave boulder, dont you love me? you're costing this family money we don't have, why are you being so selfish, dont forget we're supporting you. Don't get a job, i dont want you to have to go through school like that, it sucks. I went through school like that, i'm so much more hardcore, you have it so easy and you still want more. I think its so great you have all these choices. Now, go to Naropa."
Yeah. essentially, she's driving me nuts and guilting me like crazy and boy don't i wish i could just let all that baggage go.
But the thing tying it all to me is: They are supporting me, and it would be hard work to work and be a full time student. I'm mildly disgusted toward myself for having this hesitation, this aversion. Many of my friends support themselves, and are probably reading this right now. It's just that i've never done it. Which means, it's probably damn well high time i do. My options are so strange at this point, i wish i knew what plusses i wanted against what minuses. All i know is this:
I want to live in the middle of a big city (but not tacoma).
I never want to live in dorms again. (though maybe a single wouldnt be so bad... ( love you, N.)
I want to get straight through school so i can do every crazy thing i'm inspired to... or at least start saving the funds for such things.
if i went back to UPS, i would only do it if i could be sure i could feel like myself there, on my terms, without spending all my energy toward that cause. I should really figure out what that would look like.
And, at the bottom, this week's headlines:
went to a topless dance party on The Land on sunday.
started a new story last week
last night, my brother and i went to a Built to Spill concert at the Fox... Check them out! they're awesome! (back_lit: we should talk... i was bummed it didnt work out for you to come.)
Got accepted to Boston University!!
so yay. Apart from my mother, things are going well. ... if i could only suss this all out, on time, with clarity.
on friday, i get on a plane without a return ticket for my east coast whirlwind.
feeling increasingly guilty about money and going to college. Here's what my mother keeps saying, paraphrased:
"go where you want, i want you to be happy. I'll miss you, why do you want to leave boulder, dont you love me? you're costing this family money we don't have, why are you being so selfish, dont forget we're supporting you. Don't get a job, i dont want you to have to go through school like that, it sucks. I went through school like that, i'm so much more hardcore, you have it so easy and you still want more. I think its so great you have all these choices. Now, go to Naropa."
Yeah. essentially, she's driving me nuts and guilting me like crazy and boy don't i wish i could just let all that baggage go.
But the thing tying it all to me is: They are supporting me, and it would be hard work to work and be a full time student. I'm mildly disgusted toward myself for having this hesitation, this aversion. Many of my friends support themselves, and are probably reading this right now. It's just that i've never done it. Which means, it's probably damn well high time i do. My options are so strange at this point, i wish i knew what plusses i wanted against what minuses. All i know is this:
I want to live in the middle of a big city (but not tacoma).
I never want to live in dorms again. (though maybe a single wouldnt be so bad... ( love you, N.)
I want to get straight through school so i can do every crazy thing i'm inspired to... or at least start saving the funds for such things.
if i went back to UPS, i would only do it if i could be sure i could feel like myself there, on my terms, without spending all my energy toward that cause. I should really figure out what that would look like.
And, at the bottom, this week's headlines:
went to a topless dance party on The Land on sunday.
started a new story last week
last night, my brother and i went to a Built to Spill concert at the Fox... Check them out! they're awesome! (back_lit: we should talk... i was bummed it didnt work out for you to come.)
Got accepted to Boston University!!
so yay. Apart from my mother, things are going well. ... if i could only suss this all out, on time, with clarity.