My lj is my escape world - hate me if you will
So I've been away from lj alot in the last year or so, haven't I? I briefly come here every day or so, skim through the posts and although I think of posting about this or that topic for some reason I never do it. My lj has gone from my daily journaling of my thoughts to my escape world.
When I started here I had tons of free evening time and nobody to share it with. I came on here multiple times a day to post everything and nothing about my silly life and to share it with those who might care. Eventually that started to change and I began journaling less and less as I had someone to bounce my day off of and share my feelings with.
My lj became less about my thoughts and daily life and became purely the place where I vent. I can't even remember the last time I sat down and actually posted a post I had been thinking about for more than a minute or two. Jamers is where I've been journaling my life for the past 3 years with all the events and feelings. I can't say how wonderful that is to have him there to listen to me and share in my joys and frustrations. Its cathartic for me to tell him all the crap I've gone through during the day, or tell him how awesome so and so was at work. As I said in my vows when we got married, James is my calm.
However, not everything I feel can be elevated by talking to Jamers. Sometimes he is the source of my stress/anger/frustration and I need to get those feelings out. My lj is where I turn to let it out. I come here and type my thoughts and feelings so I can relieve the tension/angry/stress and move on.
I spoke to Lila Sunday(?) I can't remember any more I spent most of the weekend exhausted and in bed. We talked about her health and the new miracle drug she started last week. We talked about babies, baby health, people health, well just about all types of health really. It was a great conversation and it made me miss her all so much. Lila and I have always had this great understanding when it comes to our friendship. I know that there are times where her health isn't great and she can't really talk on the phone. She has told me numerous times in the past that she has lost friends because she isn't always able to be there when they want her to be. I in turn have told her that I know she loves me and she knows I love her and that we don't have to talk or hang out (when in SC) to prove that we are great friends. Sometimes her health prevents her from talking to me and sometimes my anti-social nature prevents me from talking to her. But in the end we accept each other's personal issues. She has become such an important person in my life - she has become my sister.
So what does that have to do with my lj escape world? Good question, probably nothing. My mind wanders off alot lately from idea to idea and I can totally forget something from one moment to the next. I did it to Jamers the other day when I IM'd him and asked him to remind me of two important things when I got home from work. Before I finished typing the first, I forgot the second and it wasn't until somebody else said something 4 hours later that I remembered.
Hey ex and current pregnant women - How did you get through this pregnancy thing without killing anyone? Without pissing people off because you didn't want to see anybody in the world? Without going insane from the pressure and stress?
I feel that my lack of people skills in the last 4 months has cost me in terms of friendship. I guess if I lose a friend because I'm just not myself right now (and everyday am becoming worse) I can't change people's opinions or thoughts and I know from experience that no matter what I might be going through, once it has gotten to that point on the other end, things are pretty much done.
I'm on another rant, I know but that is what my lj is - my escape world where I let it all lose so I can go on with my everyday life and let the world see the happy Pickle. The Pickle that bends over backwards at work to make sure that my PMs are all happy and the work gets done when it needs to. In fact I'm very proud to say that even though Jamers has been unemployed for 3 months during this terrible economy that we are not behind on any bills - and never have been and we've managed to cut any little bit of fat out of our expenses so we haven't had to touch the savings yet.
Yesterday my boss and the controller and I had a great meeting regarding my leave. After Friday when the HR person told me flat out NO STD for you without so much as a "perhaps we can find another option for you - that was the last straw in the corporate slapping of my face that has happened over the last year. It started with the corporate newsletter where HR couldn't be bothered to check the spelling of my name before sending out the newsletter to the 500+ employees. HR couldn't even check the facts about how long I had been working there. I never received my $50 for taking my pre-employment drug test. My name was omitted from the picnic committee acknowledgments at the company picnic. My request to sit down and talk with HR for the last 4 months had been ignored until I cc my immediate supervisor last Monday. Then all of a sudden HR has time to sit down and talk with me. IT has brushed me off numerous times when my scanner and our accounting software are not working. Those items I happen to work with everyday. As it is now, I have to preview graphic reports before I print them, otherwise the software and the printer and my computer don't talk and it prints the reports cut-off. Yesterday was yet another slap in my face when we had the company 50th anniversary and I was one of the last people to enter the room. There were no seats left and instead of anyone standing up to let the pregnant lady sit, I was forced to stand at the back of the room. Yes people when I rant about my place of employment it is because things like this have continously happened to me from day one and I'm sick of it.
The meeting with my boss who apparently cares about her employees as people and not another employee made it clear that both she and the controller are willing to work with me to find an option to this problem It was great to be around people who may not know personally what I'm going through but understand that right now is an extremely difficult time for me. We discussed my options for leave, and they are checking on FMLA rules and the like. It looks like I may be going back part time for the last 4 weeks of Leave if Jamers doesn't have a job by then. My boss had even suggested to the controller prior to the meeting that I work from home. I didn't think it would be an option and he poop-pooped it, but the fact that she is willing to help me make this work instead of slamming a door in my face really helped to make me feel like I am an important part of that company.
I could of course just work full time and take almost no leave. But then I miss the first months of Xander's life and those are months that I'll never-ever be able to get back. I would regret it for the rest of my life as I wouldn't get to bond as closely with him. I wouldn't be there to see all the little changes everyday. I could conversely be entirely selfish and say I'm taking all 12 weeks and use up all our savings just so I can be with Xander everyday. But that would be income I could never get back and as we are in the financial situation we are it wouldn't be the wise decision. So this is a compromise. It won't be much money, we're thinking 16 hours a week, but it will be enough to prevent us from sucking all the savings up. I'm just glad that all those times we were tempted to do things with the savings, ie: vacation, buying a second TV so we could have it in the bedroom, upgrading the computer, etc. that we had the wisdom to save it for the "what-if" scenario.
Jamers and I have come to the conclusion that we'll probably rent out the downstairs for awhile to help out the financial situation. We'll have to fix somethings up and see about the tax ramifications of rental income before we actually do anything. Then we'll have to try to find someone who would be willing to live in a house with a newborn. Then we'll have to find some way to run criminal records and the like before letting anyone in our house with the new baby. Of course when Jamers gets a job, we are hoping before Xander gets here, then all of the above won't be necessary.
Otay long post from Pickle but I'm semi-awake right now and have the cognitive ability to type out thoughts so there it is. I think I want to make a stress list so I know what I have on my plate right now to see how I'm dealing with it:
Husband unemployed since late September
Unemployment runs out in Mid-April
Husband at home, depressed and (as much as I love him) mostly useless
Holidays with no disposable money
Can't see family during holidays, especially during my one time being pregnant
30 Weeks pregnant
-exhausted by Friday mornings from work week to the point of having to spend the weekend doing nothing but rest catch up so I can go in for another week
-Body achey all the time and sleep comes in doses of an hour or so at a time
-Mind not focusing/remembering at home life is bad enough, try doing it while working 40hours a week
Having no paid time off and not being able to afford missing a day if I get sick which I have a greater chance of getting because I'm pregnant. So far managed to stay off even a cold.
Budgeting bills for optimal use of income/savings to prevent falling behind
Winterizing house via husband to conserve funds (temp on thermostat is set to a balmy 58 people)
Keeping the house clean via husband - see issue of lack of motivation above
Working out of the house at high stress, high workload job
Having to simplify as much at work as possible for training temp that hopefully will be hired to start by 1/1
Figuring out how to pay for daycare in the event Jamers does get a job
Figuring out how to pay the bills, let alone the mortgage if Jamers doesn't get a job
Seriously thinking that if the above happens than we will probably lose the house and move back to California where at least we have our family as support
So yeah, may not sound like a high stress situation to some but it most definitely is for me. I have no support in keeping things running smoothly. I guess my rantings may seem selfish to some and my lack of social interactions may push people away but that is the only way I can get by right now. I've consistently had a crying fit at least once a day in the bathroom at work because my hormones are whacked and I can't handle the pressure. Nobody out there fully knows what I'm going through, not even Jamers. I can tell him all I want but he can't feel how I'm feeling. If I let people down in the last, oh, pregnancy months and especially since Jamers lost his job - I apologize. If I've lost a friend that is how it is and I can't change that. I know Lila is there and she understands and that is how we've managed to stay so close as friends.
When I started here I had tons of free evening time and nobody to share it with. I came on here multiple times a day to post everything and nothing about my silly life and to share it with those who might care. Eventually that started to change and I began journaling less and less as I had someone to bounce my day off of and share my feelings with.
My lj became less about my thoughts and daily life and became purely the place where I vent. I can't even remember the last time I sat down and actually posted a post I had been thinking about for more than a minute or two. Jamers is where I've been journaling my life for the past 3 years with all the events and feelings. I can't say how wonderful that is to have him there to listen to me and share in my joys and frustrations. Its cathartic for me to tell him all the crap I've gone through during the day, or tell him how awesome so and so was at work. As I said in my vows when we got married, James is my calm.
However, not everything I feel can be elevated by talking to Jamers. Sometimes he is the source of my stress/anger/frustration and I need to get those feelings out. My lj is where I turn to let it out. I come here and type my thoughts and feelings so I can relieve the tension/angry/stress and move on.
I spoke to Lila Sunday(?) I can't remember any more I spent most of the weekend exhausted and in bed. We talked about her health and the new miracle drug she started last week. We talked about babies, baby health, people health, well just about all types of health really. It was a great conversation and it made me miss her all so much. Lila and I have always had this great understanding when it comes to our friendship. I know that there are times where her health isn't great and she can't really talk on the phone. She has told me numerous times in the past that she has lost friends because she isn't always able to be there when they want her to be. I in turn have told her that I know she loves me and she knows I love her and that we don't have to talk or hang out (when in SC) to prove that we are great friends. Sometimes her health prevents her from talking to me and sometimes my anti-social nature prevents me from talking to her. But in the end we accept each other's personal issues. She has become such an important person in my life - she has become my sister.
So what does that have to do with my lj escape world? Good question, probably nothing. My mind wanders off alot lately from idea to idea and I can totally forget something from one moment to the next. I did it to Jamers the other day when I IM'd him and asked him to remind me of two important things when I got home from work. Before I finished typing the first, I forgot the second and it wasn't until somebody else said something 4 hours later that I remembered.
Hey ex and current pregnant women - How did you get through this pregnancy thing without killing anyone? Without pissing people off because you didn't want to see anybody in the world? Without going insane from the pressure and stress?
I feel that my lack of people skills in the last 4 months has cost me in terms of friendship. I guess if I lose a friend because I'm just not myself right now (and everyday am becoming worse) I can't change people's opinions or thoughts and I know from experience that no matter what I might be going through, once it has gotten to that point on the other end, things are pretty much done.
I'm on another rant, I know but that is what my lj is - my escape world where I let it all lose so I can go on with my everyday life and let the world see the happy Pickle. The Pickle that bends over backwards at work to make sure that my PMs are all happy and the work gets done when it needs to. In fact I'm very proud to say that even though Jamers has been unemployed for 3 months during this terrible economy that we are not behind on any bills - and never have been and we've managed to cut any little bit of fat out of our expenses so we haven't had to touch the savings yet.
Yesterday my boss and the controller and I had a great meeting regarding my leave. After Friday when the HR person told me flat out NO STD for you without so much as a "perhaps we can find another option for you - that was the last straw in the corporate slapping of my face that has happened over the last year. It started with the corporate newsletter where HR couldn't be bothered to check the spelling of my name before sending out the newsletter to the 500+ employees. HR couldn't even check the facts about how long I had been working there. I never received my $50 for taking my pre-employment drug test. My name was omitted from the picnic committee acknowledgments at the company picnic. My request to sit down and talk with HR for the last 4 months had been ignored until I cc my immediate supervisor last Monday. Then all of a sudden HR has time to sit down and talk with me. IT has brushed me off numerous times when my scanner and our accounting software are not working. Those items I happen to work with everyday. As it is now, I have to preview graphic reports before I print them, otherwise the software and the printer and my computer don't talk and it prints the reports cut-off. Yesterday was yet another slap in my face when we had the company 50th anniversary and I was one of the last people to enter the room. There were no seats left and instead of anyone standing up to let the pregnant lady sit, I was forced to stand at the back of the room. Yes people when I rant about my place of employment it is because things like this have continously happened to me from day one and I'm sick of it.
The meeting with my boss who apparently cares about her employees as people and not another employee made it clear that both she and the controller are willing to work with me to find an option to this problem It was great to be around people who may not know personally what I'm going through but understand that right now is an extremely difficult time for me. We discussed my options for leave, and they are checking on FMLA rules and the like. It looks like I may be going back part time for the last 4 weeks of Leave if Jamers doesn't have a job by then. My boss had even suggested to the controller prior to the meeting that I work from home. I didn't think it would be an option and he poop-pooped it, but the fact that she is willing to help me make this work instead of slamming a door in my face really helped to make me feel like I am an important part of that company.
I could of course just work full time and take almost no leave. But then I miss the first months of Xander's life and those are months that I'll never-ever be able to get back. I would regret it for the rest of my life as I wouldn't get to bond as closely with him. I wouldn't be there to see all the little changes everyday. I could conversely be entirely selfish and say I'm taking all 12 weeks and use up all our savings just so I can be with Xander everyday. But that would be income I could never get back and as we are in the financial situation we are it wouldn't be the wise decision. So this is a compromise. It won't be much money, we're thinking 16 hours a week, but it will be enough to prevent us from sucking all the savings up. I'm just glad that all those times we were tempted to do things with the savings, ie: vacation, buying a second TV so we could have it in the bedroom, upgrading the computer, etc. that we had the wisdom to save it for the "what-if" scenario.
Jamers and I have come to the conclusion that we'll probably rent out the downstairs for awhile to help out the financial situation. We'll have to fix somethings up and see about the tax ramifications of rental income before we actually do anything. Then we'll have to try to find someone who would be willing to live in a house with a newborn. Then we'll have to find some way to run criminal records and the like before letting anyone in our house with the new baby. Of course when Jamers gets a job, we are hoping before Xander gets here, then all of the above won't be necessary.
Otay long post from Pickle but I'm semi-awake right now and have the cognitive ability to type out thoughts so there it is. I think I want to make a stress list so I know what I have on my plate right now to see how I'm dealing with it:
Husband unemployed since late September
Unemployment runs out in Mid-April
Husband at home, depressed and (as much as I love him) mostly useless
Holidays with no disposable money
Can't see family during holidays, especially during my one time being pregnant
30 Weeks pregnant
-exhausted by Friday mornings from work week to the point of having to spend the weekend doing nothing but rest catch up so I can go in for another week
-Body achey all the time and sleep comes in doses of an hour or so at a time
-Mind not focusing/remembering at home life is bad enough, try doing it while working 40hours a week
Having no paid time off and not being able to afford missing a day if I get sick which I have a greater chance of getting because I'm pregnant. So far managed to stay off even a cold.
Budgeting bills for optimal use of income/savings to prevent falling behind
Winterizing house via husband to conserve funds (temp on thermostat is set to a balmy 58 people)
Keeping the house clean via husband - see issue of lack of motivation above
Working out of the house at high stress, high workload job
Having to simplify as much at work as possible for training temp that hopefully will be hired to start by 1/1
Figuring out how to pay for daycare in the event Jamers does get a job
Figuring out how to pay the bills, let alone the mortgage if Jamers doesn't get a job
Seriously thinking that if the above happens than we will probably lose the house and move back to California where at least we have our family as support
So yeah, may not sound like a high stress situation to some but it most definitely is for me. I have no support in keeping things running smoothly. I guess my rantings may seem selfish to some and my lack of social interactions may push people away but that is the only way I can get by right now. I've consistently had a crying fit at least once a day in the bathroom at work because my hormones are whacked and I can't handle the pressure. Nobody out there fully knows what I'm going through, not even Jamers. I can tell him all I want but he can't feel how I'm feeling. If I let people down in the last, oh, pregnancy months and especially since Jamers lost his job - I apologize. If I've lost a friend that is how it is and I can't change that. I know Lila is there and she understands and that is how we've managed to stay so close as friends.