Got this in an email and had to share!
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and my food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and your dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years;
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat
less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier
to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college - and, if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and my food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and your dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years;
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat
less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier
to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college - and, if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children.