oh - happy new year.
-prepare for emotion, dont read if you dont want-
i talked to bryan wolf for an hour the other day. you know how that goes. now his gf thinks we're gonna get back together (ha fucking ha) and her friends have offered to 'come after me with a sledgehammer'. die, morons, die.
bobby and courtney are on my mind very heavily today. i had a dream last night, and in it i told my dad all about them, except in the dream me and bobby had never broken up and he had been 'cheating on me' with her. i woke up and from that i was already thinking about all of that shit... doesnt really start me off on a good day.
i've been thinking... no matter how many times he denies it, reassures me, or tells me he loves me... it seems that it will never make up for the things he's said. i was thinking, why am i with someone that brings me so much pain everyday? but i know i couldnt be without bobby, no matter what i'm feeling or what guy i think is hot, i know bobby is the most important thing to me. i cant stand to be without him, obviously. i just wish he would face up to the fact that he did really like her, she was more than a "tool to get over me", and he was too obsessed with her to go back out with me.i think that the whole thing almost fucked up fate. i just wish he'd admit.
everytime i think of how his entries went from "hug and kiss to emilykins!" to "hug and kiss to emily" to "hug to emily and courtney, kiss to emily" to "hug to courtney and emily" to "hug to courtney" to "hug and kiss on the cheek to courtney"... it makes me cry so hard, like now, and it feels like my heart is literally breaking. and he still had the audacity to kiss me in between classes everyday while telling everyone else that he likes courtney more and she's all he ever wanted? thats so... mean.
as i wrote in my private notebook journal on nov.23/24.03...
"...he likes courtney more. he wants to go out with courtney more. i'm... second place. i'm... last place. i'm gone... he's lost... for the first time in my life, i truly have nothing to live for..."
well i STILL feel that way and it hurts just as much today as it did that day. i think that in those two weeks, i had the biggest heart break EVER. maybe the biggest one i'll ever have.
"... i cant help but hate her, she has won bobby over and i am simply something he's slowly getting rid of..."
"...i want my bobby back... but i've ruined it... i hope i die. someone needs to kill me for being such a total jackass. i'm gonna go... think of bobby of course... i miss him i <3 Bobby
i talked to bryan wolf for an hour the other day. you know how that goes. now his gf thinks we're gonna get back together (ha fucking ha) and her friends have offered to 'come after me with a sledgehammer'. die, morons, die.
bobby and courtney are on my mind very heavily today. i had a dream last night, and in it i told my dad all about them, except in the dream me and bobby had never broken up and he had been 'cheating on me' with her. i woke up and from that i was already thinking about all of that shit... doesnt really start me off on a good day.
i've been thinking... no matter how many times he denies it, reassures me, or tells me he loves me... it seems that it will never make up for the things he's said. i was thinking, why am i with someone that brings me so much pain everyday? but i know i couldnt be without bobby, no matter what i'm feeling or what guy i think is hot, i know bobby is the most important thing to me. i cant stand to be without him, obviously. i just wish he would face up to the fact that he did really like her, she was more than a "tool to get over me", and he was too obsessed with her to go back out with me.i think that the whole thing almost fucked up fate. i just wish he'd admit.
everytime i think of how his entries went from "hug and kiss to emilykins!" to "hug and kiss to emily" to "hug to emily and courtney, kiss to emily" to "hug to courtney and emily" to "hug to courtney" to "hug and kiss on the cheek to courtney"... it makes me cry so hard, like now, and it feels like my heart is literally breaking. and he still had the audacity to kiss me in between classes everyday while telling everyone else that he likes courtney more and she's all he ever wanted? thats so... mean.
as i wrote in my private notebook journal on nov.23/24.03...
"...he likes courtney more. he wants to go out with courtney more. i'm... second place. i'm... last place. i'm gone... he's lost... for the first time in my life, i truly have nothing to live for..."
well i STILL feel that way and it hurts just as much today as it did that day. i think that in those two weeks, i had the biggest heart break EVER. maybe the biggest one i'll ever have.
"... i cant help but hate her, she has won bobby over and i am simply something he's slowly getting rid of..."
"...i want my bobby back... but i've ruined it... i hope i die. someone needs to kill me for being such a total jackass. i'm gonna go... think of bobby of course... i miss him i <3 Bobby