<3.....
holidays make me feel old. shriveled and old.
and jaded.
just had a conversation with jon. and i told the real reason why i'm so jaded about holidays in general.
and then i started to cry. so i have to get this down on paper so that the people who are meant to see it can see it and know that i miss them and love them more than they will ever comprehend.
i never had a family like i had when i went to MSU. there was drama. there was pain, a lot of it, but in the end, i had a group of people around me that i knew would never leave me. When Andrew called me a few months ago and said we'd never be able to all be together again. and i denied it. but the saddest part about it is, its absolutely true. I feel like sometimes, i started it all, i made the first crack... but then i realize. that the future unwinds itself around you whether you like it or not, and you have to just roll with the punches. but i miss them. espeically around now a days. becasue i never had the bonds with my real family that i had with them. THIS. is why i'm going up there for my birthday. NOT because of the reason that i told becky that hereto will remain unmentioned. granted. its a DEFINITE bonus.
and i know i'll get through it, and becky knows i will too... so...
but i'm going up there to be with the few people that remain. that can actually stand to be in the same room together and not kill each other. chaz and becky. and hopefully i'll wrastle samjoe into joining us. and i know. it wont be like old times. but for a moment in my sad sorry little head, i'll get that warm feeling again, after the cold for so long, i'll feel loved by each of them, because after everything... every little thing we've been through, we all still care for each other.
THAT is why i continue to talk to chaz. even though he never really calls me, or texts me or messages me for that matter, he's part of the original whole that i felt. and i miss that. thats why i check up on everyone. thats why i hold on to becky so tightly, and get petrified when she says she wants to move far away, becasue I feel like the only family I have ever known will finally be dismembered, torn apart, and then i feel like it was all my fault.
had i not joined this family, people prolly would still talk.
i know
all of this is ridiuclous and immature. i know. but goddamnit.
its just. i miss you guys. all of you.
because up until this past year, when my sister and i formed this alliance that i know will never be broken, i never had that kind of love from people i knew. and you were all my family.
and i miss ya. ive never really let others in as much as you guys got into me, either.
we were all a family. and for as breif as that time was, and for as ridiuclous as it got at times, i still miss it.
so yea.
i miss you all. more than you will ever know or comprehend. my family. moonpies family.
"ohana means family. family means you never get left behind"
ironic that being left behind and forgotten is my biggest fear...
i love you.
<3
moonpie
"lets always stay friends. thought we may have our disputes, this family trees gots deep roots, friendship is thicker than blood, that depends, depends on trust, depends on true devotion, depends on love, depends on not denying emotion..."
and jaded.
just had a conversation with jon. and i told the real reason why i'm so jaded about holidays in general.
and then i started to cry. so i have to get this down on paper so that the people who are meant to see it can see it and know that i miss them and love them more than they will ever comprehend.
i never had a family like i had when i went to MSU. there was drama. there was pain, a lot of it, but in the end, i had a group of people around me that i knew would never leave me. When Andrew called me a few months ago and said we'd never be able to all be together again. and i denied it. but the saddest part about it is, its absolutely true. I feel like sometimes, i started it all, i made the first crack... but then i realize. that the future unwinds itself around you whether you like it or not, and you have to just roll with the punches. but i miss them. espeically around now a days. becasue i never had the bonds with my real family that i had with them. THIS. is why i'm going up there for my birthday. NOT because of the reason that i told becky that hereto will remain unmentioned. granted. its a DEFINITE bonus.
and i know i'll get through it, and becky knows i will too... so...
but i'm going up there to be with the few people that remain. that can actually stand to be in the same room together and not kill each other. chaz and becky. and hopefully i'll wrastle samjoe into joining us. and i know. it wont be like old times. but for a moment in my sad sorry little head, i'll get that warm feeling again, after the cold for so long, i'll feel loved by each of them, because after everything... every little thing we've been through, we all still care for each other.
THAT is why i continue to talk to chaz. even though he never really calls me, or texts me or messages me for that matter, he's part of the original whole that i felt. and i miss that. thats why i check up on everyone. thats why i hold on to becky so tightly, and get petrified when she says she wants to move far away, becasue I feel like the only family I have ever known will finally be dismembered, torn apart, and then i feel like it was all my fault.
had i not joined this family, people prolly would still talk.
i know
all of this is ridiuclous and immature. i know. but goddamnit.
its just. i miss you guys. all of you.
because up until this past year, when my sister and i formed this alliance that i know will never be broken, i never had that kind of love from people i knew. and you were all my family.
and i miss ya. ive never really let others in as much as you guys got into me, either.
we were all a family. and for as breif as that time was, and for as ridiuclous as it got at times, i still miss it.
so yea.
i miss you all. more than you will ever know or comprehend. my family. moonpies family.
"ohana means family. family means you never get left behind"
ironic that being left behind and forgotten is my biggest fear...
i love you.
<3
moonpie
"lets always stay friends. thought we may have our disputes, this family trees gots deep roots, friendship is thicker than blood, that depends, depends on trust, depends on true devotion, depends on love, depends on not denying emotion..."