Sexual abuse
So on Wed. the 20th. I was sexually assulted while on my lunch break...fun eh? I spent most of my day in the police station talking with the special detectives that handle cases like mine. I don't want to go into details I have been over and over and over them way to many times I will just leave it to the fact that I was sexually assulted, I got away before it turned into rape. I hate myself and do not beleive that there is anything truly attractive about my being. I do not beleive anymore that I am ever meant to have a loving relationship. I do beleive that I am just an object for certain men to handle without love, without respect. I am nothing. And i feel like nothing. That and I have a cold for which I have been developing over the past few days. Just as I feel like there is a small light in my tunnel of darkness and then this happenes just as I'm getting over a bunch of other shit like being molested and almost raped on a bus in South Carolina. I had the day off from work today due to being sexually assulted. I was offered the weekend off, but there is no point. Even though I would love to just crawl up into a hole and die.
There is no hope for me. I do feel hopeless. I have no rock to lean upon I am free floating in despair. There isn't anyone here to hold me as I cry. I have to cry alone, no one is here to hold my hand when I am scared. No one to tell me it's alright. I am alone. I face the world with my chin up and my eyes set on my goals in life. I know now, I am worthless. I was stripped of my confidence, my pride. I feel dirty, there isn't a shower in the world that can make me feel clean. I am holding fast to my vow of abstience. I am only going to have sex with someone that cares about me...and truly cares about me! NO more of this giving myself to men that only want me for sex. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being an object. I am not some object, I have feelings. I love, and I want love. I need a loving relationship. I don't care if it's long distance or close. I want a relationship for which I can have someone to be a rock for me and I for them. Someone that has the potential to love me. Someone who really fucking cares about my well-being and really fucking cares for me the way I am and not wish that I was prettier, that I was sexier. I am tired of being an object. I want to just be loved.
Is that too much?
I know I say that alot, but I fucking hate this feeling of emptiness. I have friends...I love them. I need something more than a friend. I need a partner. Someone that I can trust to not hurt me. Where are they? I know they exist. I am afraid to trust someone with my heart, but at the same time I need them in my life. I don't know who they are, quite frankly I give up.
To bed I go. Work tomorrow.
I look forward to the weekend. THen I can sleep in.
Here's to hope,
Erin
There is no hope for me. I do feel hopeless. I have no rock to lean upon I am free floating in despair. There isn't anyone here to hold me as I cry. I have to cry alone, no one is here to hold my hand when I am scared. No one to tell me it's alright. I am alone. I face the world with my chin up and my eyes set on my goals in life. I know now, I am worthless. I was stripped of my confidence, my pride. I feel dirty, there isn't a shower in the world that can make me feel clean. I am holding fast to my vow of abstience. I am only going to have sex with someone that cares about me...and truly cares about me! NO more of this giving myself to men that only want me for sex. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being an object. I am not some object, I have feelings. I love, and I want love. I need a loving relationship. I don't care if it's long distance or close. I want a relationship for which I can have someone to be a rock for me and I for them. Someone that has the potential to love me. Someone who really fucking cares about my well-being and really fucking cares for me the way I am and not wish that I was prettier, that I was sexier. I am tired of being an object. I want to just be loved.
Is that too much?
I know I say that alot, but I fucking hate this feeling of emptiness. I have friends...I love them. I need something more than a friend. I need a partner. Someone that I can trust to not hurt me. Where are they? I know they exist. I am afraid to trust someone with my heart, but at the same time I need them in my life. I don't know who they are, quite frankly I give up.
To bed I go. Work tomorrow.
I look forward to the weekend. THen I can sleep in.
Here's to hope,
Erin