(no subject)
Wow, I actually managed to get onto livejournal. I'm shocked. Before now this website has been blocked by the hospital. I've moved onto a long term unit since I last updated and I am trying new medications, which so far have done nothing except fuck my body up. I am going to be here for quite a while, or so it seems. That fact has me a bit upset, but, then again, if I was to be let out right now I would waste no time in taking my life, so I suppose it's all the same no matter what. How's everybody out there been? I don't know if anybody reads this anymore, but if you do drop me a comment and let me know what's up with life on the outside. I am allowed off of the unit and onto campus grounds now as long as I check-in every half hour and it doesn't interfere with any groups or meals. I have to be back on the unit after eight p.m. and can't go off again until eight-thirty or nine the next morning, but that doesn't affect me very much. I am putting my faith in the staff here in hopes that they can show me a way out of this struggle that I've been in my whole life. I'm ready to live a normal, happy, healthy life, but I don't know how. I've been trying for over a decade now to get better, but have only been sliding further into a dark hole. I have never been in a place that was so devoted to helping me before. That is the only reason I am giving the people here a chance. They aren't like the other hospital that patch you up and ship you out as fast as they can. I am unhappy at the prospect of being here a long time, but if they can get rid of the psychosis, or even just make it easier to live with, that would be worth the long incarceration. I am very worried about what happens if they do manage to get rid of the voices. I was on a medication once that did help to get rid of the voices and I was very unsatisfied with the results. I have had the voices for so long that to be without them was downright scary. I was driven to near suicide and to self-mutilation in an attempt to get the voices to return. Fortunately, the staff and doctors here are aware of my worries and are prepared to deal with the situation should it arise. I am meeting with a therapist two to three times a week so that I have someone to talk to about my concerns and feelings. I haven't been seeing her much yet. I have only had three meetings with her, so we haven't gotten into anything deep yet. I have many issues I would like to be able to discuss with her once I get to know her better. While I'm in the hospital I don't feel as if I have to pretend to be something I'm not, which is how I've spent the majority of my life. Journalling in my notebook is a great outlet for me. I can be completely open while I'm writing and can then show it to the staff without having to go through the hesitations of trying to talk to them directly about what is on my mind. I don't hesitate when I'm writing. It's harder for me to be open here because I'm writing this for people to read, not to get my thoughts and feelings out. I have six more minutes before I have to check in with my unit. I'm not sure what else to talk about. Maybe there isn't anything. I'm not sure who my friends on livejournal are anymore, otherwise I would include my tel. #'s and my mailing adress. If there is anybody out there who would like this information drop me a comment and if I know you I will provide you with my contact info. I should be going now so that I don't get in trouble for coming back late. Hopefully I'll be able to continue updating, but I wouldn't depend on it. Ta-ta for now.