(no subject)
I'm wicked stressed out right now, so I'm hoping I can work some things out here. Technically speaking, I should be in bed right now since I have to be up at 5 in the morning, but tonight I'll let it slide. I went out yesterday with my sister and it was awful. I enjoyed shopping, seeing a couple of friends and all, but being in a social situation, even friendly ones, is just too much. I don't understand why positive situations like going to the pet store and dropping off money can be so stressful. Is my head just that fucked up? Of course, going to the mall afterwards only made it worse, but I held out. My sis had some stuff she had to do and I wasn't gonna ruin it by turning around and going home. The job is just getting worse by the day as well. I wasn't even cashiering today and I couldn't take it. I eventually had to step outside for a cigarette. Ugh. I'm debating having another one right now. I'm hoping to stop all together, but at this rate I don't see that happening. I'm thinking of cutting back my hours, which would mean not being full-time anymore. However much I need the money, this is getting rediculous. I simply can't keep going in everday and getting stressed out to the point of illness. I still sometimes wish I could take these last few months back and regain the entities that were in my head. They may have screwed up some of my life, but they helped more than anything. Of course, if I can't hold down my job I won't have medical and it'll all be pointless anyways. No medical=no medications=entities. So, the short of it all is that I'm lost. I don't know what to do or where to go. It's a lose/lose situation. Right now I feel like curling up in a corner and giving up. Maybe crying my eyes out is the only thing that'll make me feel better. Maybe I'm just lazy because I don't want to deal with all of this. I don't really have a choice. I miss that one entity so much that I'm almost willing to risk it all to have it back. I have an idea of how I could make the self-loathing, kill yourself entity come back, but it's the other I really want. I don't think they come together. The pain in my stomache is so bad I just want to scream. I really would if I didn't know that my neighbor and her little son are next door. Sleeping won't necessarily make the pain go away either. I've already called out once because of how crappy I've felt in the morning. I bet they'll get really pissy if I keep doing that. I don't have any pain meds in the house for the obvious reason that I don't want to end up in hospital with my stomache pumped. Well, on that happy note. I've achieved very little by typing this, but, meh. G'night y'all.