(no subject)
Tonight I can't tell if I'm depressed or just frustrated. For the past few weeks I've been trying to deal with the reality that's been my life. You'd think I'd be fine by now, but it still, well, it sorta haunts me. I've had to look back on some of the things I've done and the situations I've been in and see it in a different light. I wonder what people thought of me then and how they still think of me now. I become angry at those who could have helped and chose not to. I become angry at myself for not having realized how insane I was. I have to think of all of the horrible things my entity told me and wonder if they still might be true, despite her not telling me them. Maybe I truly am an awful person who deserves the worst and no better. Maybe I really am a cruel hearted bitch whose caused nothing but trouble in all of my existence. I have no wish to kill myself. I only wish to understand why a voice in my head would tell me such things for so long if there wasn't a grain of truth to them. And why did I love her so much as to protect her? I still grieve for the other entity who was my guide through life. I still find it hard to live normally without his prescence. I also wonder what would have been different if they weren't around. Would I have graduated high school? Would I love my mother more? Who I have been a better person if indead I was an awful one? I look at the scars that cover my body and I remember the suicide attempt and I know that those would have been different. With that thought I become angry at whatever force brought my insanity upon me and I wish against all wishes that it were different. I remember the things I've done. I remember being carried out of the woods by police officers while kicking and screaming and thinking only of insane things. I remember crying and screaming at my entity to forgive me for whatever it was that I'd done while the hospital staff just watched and waited for the sedative to kick in. I remember being drugged to the point that I felt nothing and couldn't even respond to tell anyone what I had felt. I remeber sinking a blade so deep in my arm that it cut through skin and the layer of fat beneath and I just watched the blood flow out and tried to hide it from others. I remember my reactions towards being raped and I know I could have stopped him if I hadn't been so fucked up myself. I know I have to move on from all of this, but sometimes it just hits me right upside the head and I can't ignore what my past is. And I really do wonder if she wasn't right about me. Maybe I have been a horrible person and maybe I do deserve the punishment I received. Maybe I'm still being punished. Maybe I deserve to be haunted by my past, no matter how hard it is. I believed her when she told me those things, so there must be a reason. Maybe she's still there, somewhere, deep inside my head, telling me still that I deserve the worst. It's hard to seperate reality from the unreal when you've lived with psychosis as a reality for so long. I grew up thinking that what I experience and felt was normal. How could I have missed the signs? How could I think that crying every night and begging for forgiveness for nothing was right? How could I have thought that the only salvation was through pain and death? I don't understand how I could have lived as long as I have under those pretenses. How could I have been smart enough to hide my insanity while dumb enough to believe it was a good idea? The fact that I did hide it makes me angry at myself. I hate whatever part of me made me do that. There's so much that could have been done earlier if only the right people, hell, if anybody had known. I can't hide my past from myself. I can't cram it in a box and pretend it never happened. I have too many scars to avert my eyes from. To many reacurring memories. There has to be some way to deal with this without falling apart. This is why I don't like being alone. Too much time to think. I can't flood my mind all the time. I just hope it won't be this way forever. That someday I'll be able to forget the past and live a normal life. I just want to be able to blink and have the past disappear from my memories. I want to move on. No matter how hard it is, I will overcome all of this. I'm prepared to fight this battle. Whatever help I receive, like my therapist, I will utilize to the best of my ability. I can't give up now, right? I've achieve so much in the two months alone that I'd be foolish to believe this is a losing battle. Nights like this may come along once in a while. It will hurt. On the other hand, the majority of my current life is going very well. Work has improved for me and once I get back on my feet financially my home life will be stable and pleasent. Right now I have to worry about every little penny I spend, but that too will change. I make plenty of money. I just haven't been able to save up any of it since I've had some major expenses, but that won't be forever. See? Now I'm thinking positively. I keep forgetting to use this journal to talk myself out of my holes. It always helps me to write down my problems and rationalize them. Yay! I feel much better now. Have a good night, y'all.