(no subject)
Now i have no problem with religion, I admire people who have such great faith because I have very little. But am i suppose to not be hurt when my boyfriend says he wants to go to church with some random ass girl from his work? Some girl I have never heard of or met? 1. Faith is personal, and it hurts that it's not something that he wants me to be included in. 2. he has never talked about finding faith before, so why now? Some girl invites him to church and he jumps at it? Something more than church is going on. I'm really fucking hurt, and perhaps I don't have a reason to be hurt. Every day it's something new. I don't trust him, probably in anything. I don't trust him when it comes to staying faithful to me. More than once have I found letters back and forth to girls online where he says he doesn't have a girlfriend or that he's going to break up with her because "it's just not working out", yet when I did call him out on it, I get fucked in the ass too. That just makes me seem like a snoop (which I am), but I have good reason. But he can't see it like that, he can't get past the "wrong" i did, even though the things he is saying are way worse. I don't trust him to get shit done. I don't think that he'll get the money he needs for the bills, and that turns into me nagging. I am so sick of fighting and crying and being stressed and being lazy and being unattractive and being unhappy and just...life. I never thought I would be this girl. This disgusting, needy girl who is jerked around by a boy. Maybe I'm not jerked around by him, but all of the evidence points towards "yes". So I really don't know what i'm supposed to have faith in. I thought I had faith in myself and what I was capable of, but not so much lately. I don't have any faith in him...and I think I keep waiting for that day for it to form. It's been over a year, should it be here by now? I think i'm trying too hard to keep things alive. I think he is too. Without me, he wouldn't be surviving. He couldn't pay his bills, and without him I wouldn't have anyone who appears to love me. Right now, the thought of being alone is far more depressing than being in this relationship....or so it seems. If suicide weren't so scary, and what's after death wasn't so unknown...I wouldn't be here.