(no subject)
omg
i need more help
because the help i'm getting is sooo not helping
i'm like planning how i'm going to starve myself to death
and yeah that's not helping
and it probably wouldn't work
but damn... if it did... that would be like spectacular
don't you think?
and if it didn't i'd probably at least loss some weight
damn i felt so good being with sarah
i felt good about myself and even kinda pretty
and loved
but now... ugh i just feel fat and ugly and lonely
dark blue dark blue have you ever been alone in a crowded room? yes i have
oh while waiting for 2nd hour to end... which i didn't go to
i thought up a cute quote... or at least i think it's cute
k let's see if i can remember it
She's got a frown that'll break your heart.
& When she cries a little part of you dies.
But her smiles can fix an entire bad week.
& When she laughs it can make you fall in love.
yeah the last 2 lines needs work.. i just made it up on the spot
hmm so i expierenced a weird feeling on saturday when i was with sarah that i hadn't felt in a long time... i dont even know what it was... it could've been home-sickness... i don't know... but it was kinda like i dont want to do anything... i dont want to go home but i dont want to go with you... and i don't want to go to sleep but i don't want to stay awake... i dunno.. it's like wanting everything and nothing at the same time... it left me feeling quite strange
another feeling... ugh i was just remembering it... now i can't remember..
a feeling of not wanting to live... that's a nice feeling don't you think?
i dont think... it feels like shit
terrible
i did feel like i loved myself for a little bit... that was crushed quickly though...
i told mymom that i really felt i needed to go on medication
beucase i need it
and i'm going to ask for appeitite surpressors... becuase let's face it... that's the whole problem
if i wasn't fat... i wouldn't be depressed
being fat is the root of all my problems
low self-esteem-- i wouldn't hate myself if i wasn't fat
no confidence-- if i loved myself i would have confidence that others will love me too
no boyfriend-- no boy wants a fat girl
*no* friends-- (god i know this is unfair because i do have good friends... but yeah) if i was more confident i could go do more stuff and i'd be more outgoing
negative thoughts-- if i wasn't fat there'd be no reason to think i'm not good enough and all those other bad things
depression-- if those negative thoughts weren't there i wouldn't be depressed
being a bad christain-- if i wasn't depressed i'd want to pray and be a better person
anger management problems-- if i was a better christian... well a lot of my problems would be sloved... but yeah also just like my chemical composition is prone to anger i think.. from the depression
being sensitive and taking myself so seriously-- i'm fat... i'm going to be sensitive about it... i can't help it
being unhealthy-- being fat is unhealthy
and because my problems come from being fat i can't like talk to people about it... because people don't want to hear about how i'm so fat
god i hate everything.. that's what i told my mom
seriously though.. this therapy isn't helping... it's like only made it worse
well it's not the therapy that's making it worse.. it's just like it isn't helping
god i really thought it would
it's just like my mind set is too far gone for the stuff she's got me doing... but i dont want to telll her.. lol it might hurt her feelings... and that would jsut be weird
like hey umm you're not helping me... could you change whatever you're doing hun?
like i'm sure she understands but sometimes i'm not so sure i guess
it's so much harder that she makes it seem
i don't like stephen anymore... that was unhealthy
and i've just found i'm like funner and have more fun when he's not around
because i'm like too worried about what he thinks and stuff
i think it's for real this time.. because i see no real reason to like him... sure he's kinda cute... but he's not that cute... and he's nice... but he ignores me sometimes... that's not cool... he's funny... theere's more funny out there... he's just not worth it
i just wish more people cared about me.
shit shit shit shit shit shit
ok i definately think i might have a big test next hour.. so i'm kinda screwed....
shit shit shit shit shit shit
i need more help
because the help i'm getting is sooo not helping
i'm like planning how i'm going to starve myself to death
and yeah that's not helping
and it probably wouldn't work
but damn... if it did... that would be like spectacular
don't you think?
and if it didn't i'd probably at least loss some weight
damn i felt so good being with sarah
i felt good about myself and even kinda pretty
and loved
but now... ugh i just feel fat and ugly and lonely
dark blue dark blue have you ever been alone in a crowded room? yes i have
oh while waiting for 2nd hour to end... which i didn't go to
i thought up a cute quote... or at least i think it's cute
k let's see if i can remember it
She's got a frown that'll break your heart.
& When she cries a little part of you dies.
But her smiles can fix an entire bad week.
& When she laughs it can make you fall in love.
yeah the last 2 lines needs work.. i just made it up on the spot
hmm so i expierenced a weird feeling on saturday when i was with sarah that i hadn't felt in a long time... i dont even know what it was... it could've been home-sickness... i don't know... but it was kinda like i dont want to do anything... i dont want to go home but i dont want to go with you... and i don't want to go to sleep but i don't want to stay awake... i dunno.. it's like wanting everything and nothing at the same time... it left me feeling quite strange
another feeling... ugh i was just remembering it... now i can't remember..
a feeling of not wanting to live... that's a nice feeling don't you think?
i dont think... it feels like shit
terrible
i did feel like i loved myself for a little bit... that was crushed quickly though...
i told mymom that i really felt i needed to go on medication
beucase i need it
and i'm going to ask for appeitite surpressors... becuase let's face it... that's the whole problem
if i wasn't fat... i wouldn't be depressed
being fat is the root of all my problems
low self-esteem-- i wouldn't hate myself if i wasn't fat
no confidence-- if i loved myself i would have confidence that others will love me too
no boyfriend-- no boy wants a fat girl
*no* friends-- (god i know this is unfair because i do have good friends... but yeah) if i was more confident i could go do more stuff and i'd be more outgoing
negative thoughts-- if i wasn't fat there'd be no reason to think i'm not good enough and all those other bad things
depression-- if those negative thoughts weren't there i wouldn't be depressed
being a bad christain-- if i wasn't depressed i'd want to pray and be a better person
anger management problems-- if i was a better christian... well a lot of my problems would be sloved... but yeah also just like my chemical composition is prone to anger i think.. from the depression
being sensitive and taking myself so seriously-- i'm fat... i'm going to be sensitive about it... i can't help it
being unhealthy-- being fat is unhealthy
and because my problems come from being fat i can't like talk to people about it... because people don't want to hear about how i'm so fat
god i hate everything.. that's what i told my mom
seriously though.. this therapy isn't helping... it's like only made it worse
well it's not the therapy that's making it worse.. it's just like it isn't helping
god i really thought it would
it's just like my mind set is too far gone for the stuff she's got me doing... but i dont want to telll her.. lol it might hurt her feelings... and that would jsut be weird
like hey umm you're not helping me... could you change whatever you're doing hun?
like i'm sure she understands but sometimes i'm not so sure i guess
it's so much harder that she makes it seem
i don't like stephen anymore... that was unhealthy
and i've just found i'm like funner and have more fun when he's not around
because i'm like too worried about what he thinks and stuff
i think it's for real this time.. because i see no real reason to like him... sure he's kinda cute... but he's not that cute... and he's nice... but he ignores me sometimes... that's not cool... he's funny... theere's more funny out there... he's just not worth it
i just wish more people cared about me.
shit shit shit shit shit shit
ok i definately think i might have a big test next hour.. so i'm kinda screwed....
shit shit shit shit shit shit