Arashi Crack #3
Title: the Keys to Manhood
Authors: kokkaii and r_tenou
Genre: pure and utter crack
Rating: R for innuendo
Disclaimer: None of this ever happened. We do not know or own the various JE groups or other actors mentioned.
Warning. There is heavy OOC in this. You have been warned.
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Part Three: Sho and the Wicked Mother of All
Sho knew he was asleep. It was apparent by the fact that Mizushima-san and Yamapi were no longer beside him and that the tree had turned into a towering meat stick, dripping with sweat and salt and some sort of whitened demiglace sauce. He thought of climbing to the top to partake; his stomach was rumbling violently so, but his fear of heights kept him rooted to the ground.
"You're on the right path!" someone called out in a loud whisper and Sho turned all around him in shock to search for the disembodied voice. "You're on the right path!"
"Who goes there?" Sho called out into the spinning darkness. As he looked up into the depths of the tree... meat stick, he could see five silhouettes - angels with wings. "Have you come to release me from my rusting prison?" "Keep plowing forward, Sakurai Sho." They came into the light and Sho could see the five of TOKIO perched atop the stick, spinning round as it did. The manliest of them came to the front and tore a chunk out of the protein-laden cushion where he sat. He burped. "Mmm... meaty."
Sho awoke with a jolt.
What's wrong?" a nasal voice asked beside him and he screamed shrilly, scrambling to his knees and away from the sweetly scented stranger, arms crossed over his chest demurely.
"W-who- who are you?!" he wheezed, heart beating a mile a second.
Jun stared back at him, pretty eyes hazy and confused, thick eyebrow arched. "What the hell are you going on about?" he asked, nasal voice thick.
"Is Master Sho okay?" Yamapi's head popped up from behind Matsumoto.
"I'm alright," Sho said, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. "I just had a very arousing dream."
"What?!" Matsujun screeched.
"I had a very lousy dream," Sho said, rubbing at his too tight metal panties. He scowled.
"Oh." There was a light blush on Jun's pretty face, eyes somehow not meeting Sho's.
Sho scratched at his thighs, whimpering when the action only served to make his skin more irritated. "Itchy~" he whimpered.
Yamapi's eyebrows arched as much as it could (although it really wasn't much at all) worryingly. He lifted the arm that was across Matsujun's middle, reaching behind him. "You could use my ru-"
"NO!" both Jun and Sho yelled, and Yamapi's face fell.
"Why don't we just get some of Ohno's ooze and-" Matsujun paused, eyes so suddenly wide. "Yamapi," he said, voice dangerously low. "Why are you behind me?"
"Master was cold and shivering," Yamapi said innocently.
Jun rolled his eyes. "Yes, but so was Sho."
"Master Mizushima has a more comfortable dent here." Yamapi patted Jun's curves just above his hips.
"...Why exactly are you poking at me insistently right now?"
Yamapi shrugged and Sho could see his hips swaying slightly behind the magician. "This human body... I cannot control it yet."
"OHMYGAH!"
Yamapi was forced to walk at least two feet in front of them the rest of the morning. They caught a few fish sometime after they had awoken and roasted it over a fire kindled with Yamapi's rust and a lock of Jun's gorgeous hair. The fishes had flopped about madly on the ground and Sho took mercy upon them, beating them senseless until he was sure (at best) they were in a fishy stupor.
Around lunchtime they stumbled on a forest glen, filled with berries and foliage and tiny little bunnies that hopped to and fro. Leaning against a tree was an axe and Yamapi rushed to it, thinking it might be useful on their journey.
That was until Matsumoto rushed forward and knocked it out of his hands with a flourish. "Nothing good can come with tools of that nature," Jun explained coldly to his comrades. "Twas an axe that ripped my dearest from me some time ago and I shall forever be alone... No, my friends; trust me on this one. No good can come from such a tool. You're better off using your hands while you still have them!"
Sho blinked in surprise. "What is it that happened to you, my dear Mizushima-san, that caused you to hate axes so very much?"
"Imagine a love so warm and skillful, thrust upon you out of the confines of loneliness, and that love handles you so well that- ah!" He moaned, convusing in what Sho knew was unparalleled sorrow. "But that love can never be replaced," Jun continued. "All that's left is a bloody stump where a flower once resided."
"She must have been a real looker," Yamapi commented.
"He!" Jun sniffed pathetically. "He was beautiful and he did love me so... granted, certain parts more than others... but he never failed to complete me!"
Sho sincerely hoped he could have that sort of love with Aiba.
It was a bit later when Jun finally stopped sobbing so helplessly (and this only after Yamapi offered to "be your flower") and they continued on, stumbling over roots and vines that could have been torn by axes easily.
Sho wanted to whine about it, really he did, but then Yamapi had pointed it out earlier and Jun was swift to box him on the ears. At least that was what he meant to do - the hook had just grazed the naked man's ears uselessly. Yamapi's apparent adoration for the magician did not wane one bit, but Mizushima was surely more morose than before, glaring at his hook recentfully.
It wasn't long before Sho began to recognize every tree they passed by and he suspected that they were just going around in circles. He had Jun mark an especially unusual purple tree with his hook ("See, your hook isn't so useless after all!" Matsujun had blushed so prettily).
After just a few minutes of walking, they came across the striking tree again, the MJ and SS Jun had drawn standing out on the purple bark. They started walking again when Yamapi stayed rooted where he was.
"Come now, you imbecile," Matsumoto said.
"I cannot move anymore!" Yamapi said. "This body feels... I don't know... It feels so heavy and I cannot lift my feet anymore!"
Sho fell on his iron-clad bum tiredly. "Mou, I cannot walk anymore either!" he whined.
Jun sighed, sitting down beside him. "we need a plan," he said. "A method. We have to figure out how to go about this thing."
"We need a compass," Sho said. "My-" scientist, lover, love of my life? "My Aiba once told me that compasses are needed when you are lost-"
"Aiba doesn't belong to you!" Jun hissed.
"W-wha-"
"I-I mean." Jun laughed suspiciously. "Aiba... what a beautiful name!"
"It is isn't it?" Sho smiled, images of his beautiful Aiba and the more beautiful Shimuken invading him again.
"No-"
"Masters," Yamapi suddenly said, voice shaky and excited.Sho and Jun turned to him, gasping as they saw his erect form. "My arrow! It's pointing to somewhere." Yamapi moved his hips this way and that, the arrow not as much wavering away from the spot it pointed at. Sho beamed. "Gentlemen, I believe we have found our compass."
They handled his arrow carefully, knowing that it was north he pointed to when Yamapi went "Ah!" and south when he went "Oh!" West was "Mm..." and East was "Nng." After figuring this out, it was a much easier task to vacate the wooded area, even with Matsujun's constant complaining.
"That was much too overgrown for a forest," he said once they made it out into the brilliant sunlight. "I prefer my shrubbery to be much more landscaped."
It was late in the evening when they came to a cottage, billowing smoke lifting up from the chimney and a herd of goats out in the front yard. Yamapi's arrow pointed directly at it, as though that was the place they had been trying to find all along. The cottage itself was a plain style, with a thatched roof and tiny windows, save for the strange shade of pink it was painted, along with a splattering of white polka-dots, as though someone had been messing around instead of working.
"Is this it, I wonder?" Sho asked Matsumoto beside him.
Jun shrugged. He had no idea how to tell them that there was no godmother in reality... He'd had a godfather many, many years ago, but word was that the older man had gotten lost in the lands of SMAP and had not been heard from since.
"I'm not sure..." Jun said hesitantly. How was he going to tell them that he'd been leading them around in circles just so he could stare at Sho's iron buns?
"This should be it!" Sho said, becoming more and more excited as he surveyed the grounds, going positively giddy as he spotted a pink sign painted messily with white paint: "Shingo-Mama: Everyone's Godmother."
"Everyone is everyone, right?" He asked Jun. "I mean if we are a part of a collective, we would be everyone."
"No, we would be a couple," Jun said, sidling up to Sho, hand hovering over his bum. "If you want us to be-"
"Oh no, I meant Yamapi, you, and I," Sho said, "as a collective."
"Wouldn't that be a threesome?" Yamapi asked. "Two short little things asked me to be in one before."
"No, we would be everyone!" Sho said. "As in, hey, everyone, let us go up and knock on that shabilly painted door-"
"OHAAAAAAA!!!!"
The door was thrown open in an instant and out came a monstrosity of a lady, clad in the same pink polka-dots that decorated her house. "OHA!" she cried again and Jun instantly covered his ears with his hands. "How are my little children of the world today??"
"Godmother!" Sho announced. "I have brought your godson back to you!" He pushed Jun forward until the slightly taller man was standing in front.
"Oh!" the lady said abruptly, confusion on her face as she paused mid-thought. Jun thought for sure he was about to be debunked. His lie would be exposed and then Sho would know that Jun was only there to gleam at his shining metal-
"Everyone is Shingo-mama's child!" She threw her arms in the air and ran forward, embracing Jun in a bear hug. Jun tried to make a run for it, but she managed to get him from behind. "Come in and tell Shingo-mama your dreams, little ones!" she cooed and dragged Jun along the path that led to her home.
"Do you think she's happy?" Sho asked.
Yamapi cocked his head. "Well, if that lump sticking forward from her dress is any indication..."
"Come now, my innocent little futures, yummy cotton candy tea awaits!" Shingo-mama called out from her porch, Jun screaming and dragging his feet. "My, my, aren't you a naughty one!" She hoisted Jun up and over her massive shoulder, laughing cheerfully as he punched her back.
Yamapi and Sho scurried after them, a shiver running down their spines as, upon seeing the too girly, frilly curtains on the door, they entered the small cramped house.
It was just as pink and nauseatingly sweet inside as it was outside - white layered frills of curtains covering the windows, the wallpaper patterned with baby pink and blue flowers and polka dot, and the furniture was huge and comfortable looking.
There was an extravagant table in the middle of the room, tablecloth cascading from the top to the floor with ribbons at its ends, and it held a tiny tea set. Short chairs surrounded the table and on them were dolls and teddy bears, each pink and white spotted. Despite the cuteness, the room was dusty, obviously unkempt, and there were cobwebs here and there.
Shingo-mama had dropped Jun on a particularly fluffy couch, the pretty man sinking into the too-soft cushions. "Help," Jun mouthed as the couch engulfed his head. Sho and Yamapi hurried to him, grabbing his legs, and pulled him out just before the couch could swallow him whole (the former robot had continued hugging and nuzzling Jun's thigh and the ice princess had to hit him upside the head for him to let go. It still seemed to puzzle Yamapi that the body he had could hurt and feel a lot of things... like how he felt all tingly and warm inside whenever Jun turned to him; like how his midsection felt like someone was hitting it with something blunt whenever Jun yawned and a flash of pretty white skin showed, his arrow springing to life).
"I wasn't expecting visitors at all today! Please forgive me for this mess!" Shingo-mama said, bustling around and tossing her dolls and teddies under the overdecorated table. "Oh, do sit down! The couches are all wel-"
"Ah, it's ok, the floor will do," Sho said, settling down on the floor. Yamapi and Jun sat down at either side, cowering behind his sloping shoulders.
"Oh, youth! So trendy and- and-," she flapped her hands about, "oh so IN!" She tittered Shingo-mama flounced down onto the floor, a cloud of dust billowing from under her. Sho, Yamapi, and Jun coughed.
"I need to ask a favour from you, godmother," Sho said when his coughs subsided.
"Pish-posh, such things can wait," Shingo-mama said, dismissing Sho's words with a wave of her hand. "Well, my sweet little babies, tell me about your dreams!"
"I dream of having a heart," Yamapi started. "A metaphorical one, see, so I could understand some..." his eyes drifted to Jun, snapping back to the hulking woman as soon as Jun glared at him. "...some things."
Shingo-mama eyed Yamapi's arrow. "Well, well, some things can be easily remedied-" a whistle sounded from somewhere within the house.
Shuffling was heard from within and soon Shingo-mama returned with a stack of scrolls under her arms. "I don't have a heart, you silly boy," she clucked in good humor, "but these should do nicely in allowing you to understand some things." She handed the scrolls to Yamapi and the other two glanced over his shoulders.
Yamapi drew in a deep breath as he unfolded the first one, ready to be astounded by radiant knowledge that would suddenly make things clear. What he got though, were images of naked men wrestling with each other in a way that made his insides too warm. "Shingo-mama," he said carefully, "this doesn't really make things anymore clear..." "Think of it as an instruction manual," Shingo-mama tittered away, pulling a fan from her pocket and waving it at herself. "It it a little warm in here to you dearies? I'm a little warm."
Sho and Jun found themeselves unable to reply as they continued staring at the scrolls, subconsciously inching ever so closer to Yamapi for a better view. They'd never seen anything like it before, save for the few times they'd come across Ohno and Nino randomly making it wherever they were. Sho bet that Ohno was much more flexible than the strange men in the pictures.
"Surely though, you have other dreams, little pretties," Shingo-mama continued. "Dreams are important you know... whether you want to be doctors or pilots or artists or stewardesses... in those tight little skirts..."
They were jolted from their thoughts. "I have a dream," Jun said, more than a little hesitant. "It's to have my dearest hand back. I did love it so and I am still mourning its loss. We lived a splended life together, Shun and I."
"Oh pretty hand,
My lovely hand,
How wonderful you were.
Your nimble fingers,
Your touch that lingers,
You were everything I wished for.
As you held me so gently
Up and down, tickling me slightly
Aah~ you never frustrated me.
And you fit in so perfectly
In me- for me especially,
You belonged nowhere else.
As you pushed and twisted
To the right, slightly, you nested
So perfectly you crocheted our love.
Is it so very corny
To say that you complete me?
Although that is the absolute truth,
Oh pretty hand,
My lovely hand,
How wonderful you were."
Sho stood and clapped, pulling Yamapi up with him for a round of encores. "Such longing!" he commended. "I had no idea that those without hands could hold such passion. It reminds me of a young man I once knew named Matsumoto. I shall introduce you to him someday, Mizushima-san, so that you might compare tales of misery and woe."
Matsujun blinked in confusion. "O-oh, yes. I look forward to it."
Yamapi brightened, wiggling his fingers in what he thought was an alluring manner. "If you should ever need a hand, or two, Mizushima-sama, do not hesitate to ask."
Matsujun knocked him upside the head.
"See now?" Shingo-mama cooed. "Why should I give you a hand when there are so many willing participants already? Especially this one here!" She held up one of Sho's hands against his will. "These are beautiful hands. I bet they'd feel nice sliding up and down your-" She paused to belch loudly. "Oh pardon me. Where was I?"
"Sho's hands were sliding up and down Mizushima-sama's-" Yamapi answered through a dribbling of drool.
"Up and down my..." Matsujun spoke, eyes glazed over. Sho only looked mildly uncomfortable.
"Shoulders!" beamed Shingo-mama. "I'll bet he gives wonderful massages!"
"Oh, buttocks!" Sho swore when he spotted flecks of tea (that had sprayed over him when Shingo-mama belched) on Toma's tights. He rubbed at them anxiously.
"P-pardon?" Matsujun stammered, the haze that had fallen over him at Shingo-mama's words still dense and uncomfortably wet.
"Bullocks," Sho replied. "I said bullocks."
"Oh." Jun placed his saucer over the front of his pants.
"Besides," Shingo-mama said, "love is a very special thing, different from one person to another. These hands," she lifted Sho's hands again, Yamapi gladly rubbing Sho's tights for him, "may try to satisfy you, but they can never truly replace your Shun."
"That's disheartening," Matsujun said, the haze suddenly gone and gloom looming over him.
"Oh cheer up," Shingo-mama said jovially, patting Jun's saucer. "Remain erect and-" A whistle outside again and Shing-mama jumped to her feet, clapping her hands gleefully. "Oh your broth must be ready!"
"Broth?" Sho echoed.
Shingo-mama tittered. "Oh silly me, I meant bath. Your bath is ready!"
She left and exited to a room to their left, steam wafting out the swinging door as she went in. Sho looked to his party with a quizzical expression, wondering what in the world Shingo-mama could have meant by that. The smell that drifted in was overly sweet and seemed like sugar in the air. He could think of no broth that should taste sweet.
"What do you think, my good friends?" Sho asked, but Yamapi was already to his feet, wandering over to the swinging door and peeking through. He motioned hurriedly with a wave of his hand, signalling for Matsumoto and Sho to join him.
"She's stirring something!" Yamapi announced in a hushed whisper. They stacked themselves one over the other to get a look inside.
"They'll be so yummy-nummy in my tummy," Shingo-mama laughed shrilly, and then her voice deepened to that of a man's. "I'll turn them into delicious candy and suck them dry."
"Um, Sho..." Matsumoto said worriedly.
"Yes?"
"I think it's best we made our departure."
Yamapi pouted as best he could with dead fish eyes. "But I like candy... and sucking!"
"You can do your sucking later!" Sho snapped, pushing and shoving the others to the door.
Yamapi pursed his lips. "But my mouth is ready for some-"
"Be good and Mizushima-san will conjure you a good sucker, ok?" Sho said exasperatedly.
Jun's eyes widened. "But I'm not a very good magician!" he exclaimed. Yamapi dropped to the floor and crossed his arms, lower lip jutted out.
"You could have lied," Sho grumbled. Out loud he said, "I'm sure Mizushima could provide another sort of sucker." A hint of a smile graced Yamapi's lips. "And this sucker is going to be as sweet as Shingo-mama's candy??"
Sho frowned. "I don't know..." he gazed at Jun thoughtfully. "Mizushima-san seems smaller... well, non-existent, really, when placed next to Shingo-ma-"
"My sucker IS better than hers!" Jun exclaimed.
"That settles it!" Yamapi stood up. "Let's blow this joint."
Sho nodded. He turned to the door hastily. Toma's tights catching at a random doll's arm, and he tripped, falling and crashing onto Shingo-mama's gaudy table.
"Well, well, well," a deep voice intoned, Shingo-mama suddenly towering over them, her lips stretched into a creepy grin. "What do we have here?"
The group of three backed up until their rears were in contact with the wall by the door, Shingo-mama edging dangerously closer. Her eyes were hungry and wide and the three young men could not help but gulp at her expression.
"Why are my lovely children trying to wander off when I have prepared for them a special treat?" she asked, her voice shifting from saccharine to something more deep and masculine. "I wonder what you'll taste like, my darlings."
"T-taste?" Sho asked aloud, his voice cracking in fear. Shingo-mama drew closer and licked a path along his cheek, just below his tightly closed eye.
"You do taste delicious indeed," she cooed, moving to do the same to Matsumoto. "Like soba noodles, both of you." Yamapi looked as though he wanted to try as well, but did not get the chance as Shingo-mama pinned him to the pink wall. She nipped a line down his neck and abruptly turned to spit the taste away, her face a mask of disappointment and dispair. "You though," her voice was curdled like bad milk. "You taste like dead fish. Away with you and leave me to my yummies!"
She took Sho and Jun by the wrists and forcefully dragged their bodies along behind her. They fought and pulled, but it was to no avail. The last thing Yamapi saw before they disappeared through the door was the pleading looks of both his masters, begging him for help.