wish she hadn't gotten out +that+ day
work was very hard today. bought some pre-made mudslides, and a Take 5. talked to my cousin, 12 yrs. old, in the hospital because he just had a spinal tap. a very small world that eats up small people, small "false tumors" to scare the hell out of you. almost literally into BLINDNESS. he's only 12 yrs old.
today was not so good. today is one of those days that should not exist because it hates you and it's like it rolled around in dog shit then licked you on the face. not even a belle + sebastian album could make this day better, so instead i write on livejournal + listen to Aki someone-er-other on the good old record player. no day for a dance.
small, insurmountable odds.
tomorrow will be better, it has to be, you tell yourself. because sometimes you just can't feel any worse.
i remember when i did used to feel worse, and that really surprises me. shocks me almost -- nights sitting in absolute darkness, wishing i was dead. with a small crappy razor in my hand, sometimes. and that was only within the last 2 yrs. now i don't feel that way anymore, and i consider myself lucky.
but not completely out of the loop. i feel or fear that any moment my eyes will really close and then i'll slip back into my half-comatose state of depression, like it's only a wink away and whatever the doctors have been feeding me has been an enormous lie, a placebo.
maybe this is how the Lost Generation felt, torn between two worlds, two wars, driven in and out of darkness like bombasts blaring in the twilit sky. maybe the return back "home" was just as lonely as i felt then. no identity, no philosophy other than Nietzche's cold but glamorous "God is Dead" philosophy pinned onto the back of every un-dreaming man.
an irreconcilable alice in wonderland. life is small when you live in that world. and when you come out of it, it's all too real.
danke
today was not so good. today is one of those days that should not exist because it hates you and it's like it rolled around in dog shit then licked you on the face. not even a belle + sebastian album could make this day better, so instead i write on livejournal + listen to Aki someone-er-other on the good old record player. no day for a dance.
small, insurmountable odds.
tomorrow will be better, it has to be, you tell yourself. because sometimes you just can't feel any worse.
i remember when i did used to feel worse, and that really surprises me. shocks me almost -- nights sitting in absolute darkness, wishing i was dead. with a small crappy razor in my hand, sometimes. and that was only within the last 2 yrs. now i don't feel that way anymore, and i consider myself lucky.
but not completely out of the loop. i feel or fear that any moment my eyes will really close and then i'll slip back into my half-comatose state of depression, like it's only a wink away and whatever the doctors have been feeding me has been an enormous lie, a placebo.
maybe this is how the Lost Generation felt, torn between two worlds, two wars, driven in and out of darkness like bombasts blaring in the twilit sky. maybe the return back "home" was just as lonely as i felt then. no identity, no philosophy other than Nietzche's cold but glamorous "God is Dead" philosophy pinned onto the back of every un-dreaming man.
an irreconcilable alice in wonderland. life is small when you live in that world. and when you come out of it, it's all too real.
danke