A Matter of Trust.
It was amazing, the tricks that time played on a person's mind. Nineteen years could feel like nothing, like a simple blink of an eye, but a month could feel eternal and, at times, never ending.
This was the trick time was playing on him, at least. One minute he was at Hogwarts, a beam of green light coming straight at him before he could react, and the next he was face-to-face with his nineteen year old son. Now a month had just passed since his return, and at times he couldn't help but wonder if it had somehow been longer than just a month. If maybe time had played yet another trick and had sped up while he wasn't looking.
In a sense, however, that was exactly what had happened. Time had sped up and, in a matter of days, he got to see everything that he had missed. A new minister in charge of the Ministry, his previous students grown and with families of their own, his own son no longer a few months old but instead all grown up... And friends who he had once thought of as gone forever were back, just how he was. Time did seem to fly by then.
Suddenly the sound of an owl flying by brought him out of his thoughts, and he watched it as it flew back to Hogwarts. After his talk with Dumbledore earlier he had been in desperate need of some time for himself, so once his classes were over he had gone out to the grounds of the castle for a walk so he could try and gather his thoughts.
Now, as he stared at the castle, his mind strayed over to his classes and he still couldn't believe that he was back as a Professor. It was temporary, he knew this well enough, but it was just hard to believe. When Dumbledore had approached him he had been so proud, so...happy. Now he doubted he deserved opportunity. ...actually, he knew he didn't deserve the opportunity and felt guilty for taking the position at all. It belonged to someone better than him; someone who deserved Dumbledore's trust more than he did.
The thought caused his stomach to clench once more, for what felt like the thousandth time today, and to take his mind away from it he threw yet another rock towards the lake. Skipping rocks seemed like a pointless, and maybe even childish, thing to do right now, but it was the only thing that was helping him concentrate at all.
Some things really had changed in the time he had been gone, he thought somewhat bitterly as he sent another rock skipping along the surface of the lake. How many years had he spent being so careful of every detail in his life? He was supposed to know better. He knew better, yet twice now he had managed to show carelessness in the one month he had been back. Remus Lupin was not supposed to make those sort of mistakes. He was supposed to stay level-headed, to think things through.
He was supposed to know better.
In an act of anger (or desperation, perhaps, for that need to get rid of something so vile from this Earth) he had challenged Fenrir Greyback. They were supposed to meet, one-on-one, while they were both transformed. To this day he often tried to figure out just what he had been thinking, exactly, when he had made the challenge and the only conclusion he was able to reach was that there was no one else who should risk their lives for this. His wolf form could try to take on Fenrir's, prevent him from infecting someone else on the full moon, and that was it. But if someone were to ask him what he had been thinking when he had made the challenge, the answer was one he was not happy with. He just...hadn't been thinking. He had allowed his emotions to get the better of him when he was usually so good at handling them, and he had made a rash decision despite his better judgment.
He really was supposed to know better.
And now, today, he had to face the fact that he had disappointed Dumbledore. Dumbledore, of all people. Anyone who knew him at all knew that his opinion mattered more than almost anyone. It had been Dumbledore, after all, the one that had welcomed him to Hogwarts when he had figured he would never get a chance to even set foot in the place. He had helped him, mentored him, taught him, inspired him... He had trusted him. In time, as Remus' relationship with his father had started to deteriorate, he had started to see Dumbledore as not only a mentor but also as a sort of father figure. Then, if that wasn't enough, Dumbledore had trusted him (yet again) when he had welcomed him as a professor years later.
Now...he had disappointed him. He had been careless with the information about the Order. Perhaps he hadn't told Dresden about the Order, exactly, but he had assumed wrongly in thinking that Dresden had already been told and had been invited by someone else. He had told him where to find Dumbledore rather than simply putting out the curiosity right there and then how he should have.
He. should. have. known. better.
The thought kept repeating itself, over and over. He had been careless. He had been foolish. This wasn't supposed to be like him at all, because he knew better.
Or, maybe he didn't. Maybe it all really was an act, without even being aware of it, and sometimes it got too hard to keep it up. Maybe, if he wasn't careful, he would lose that act and it really would be his fault that things would fall apart. In the first war he had been suspected of being the spy, after all; maybe they knew him better than he knew himself. Maybe...
Maybe he really didn't know better.
How long had it taken him to earn whatever trust he had from Dumbledore? From everyone? He had worked so hard at being worthy of that trust, but it hadn't been enough. Once because people had thought he'd be the spy that would betray Lily and James, and the other time because of what had happened recently. After he had found out that Sirius had once suspected him of being the spy he had worked twice as hard so he could deserve that trust others had in him, and in one day he had thrown it all away. Score one for the werewolf, he thought even more bitterly than earlier and a sudden fear started to cling to him so tightly that it seemed to drain any sort of warmth from his body. What if his recklessness continued, somehow? Could he ever really be foolish enough to...betray someone? The thought alone made him almost sick to his stomach, which should have been his answer already, but he simply didn't listen. All he kept thinking was that they must have suspected him once for a reason, and he had obviously proved them right now. Maybe he should even tell Dumbledore to get Moody to replace him, he thought as he sent yet another rock skipping across the water. Merlin knew that he himself didn't deserve it.
Looking down at another rock he had been about to throw next, he simply stared at it for a long moment. He would find a way to make it up somehow, he hoped. He had to find a way to fix it. He had to, because otherwise...
...no. He didn't want to think about that. All he knew was that he needed to take away that bitter taste in his mouth, and get rid of that guilt and shame that felt as if it kept crushing his chest. Resolving things would be the only thing that would help, even if he had no idea how to even start to resolve anything.
With a sigh he sent that rock he had been holding flying again and just stared blankly ahead as he got lost in his thoughts once more. He would go back to the castle soon, he just...had to make up his mind first on what to do even if it seemed impossible to come up with a solution.
This was the trick time was playing on him, at least. One minute he was at Hogwarts, a beam of green light coming straight at him before he could react, and the next he was face-to-face with his nineteen year old son. Now a month had just passed since his return, and at times he couldn't help but wonder if it had somehow been longer than just a month. If maybe time had played yet another trick and had sped up while he wasn't looking.
In a sense, however, that was exactly what had happened. Time had sped up and, in a matter of days, he got to see everything that he had missed. A new minister in charge of the Ministry, his previous students grown and with families of their own, his own son no longer a few months old but instead all grown up... And friends who he had once thought of as gone forever were back, just how he was. Time did seem to fly by then.
Suddenly the sound of an owl flying by brought him out of his thoughts, and he watched it as it flew back to Hogwarts. After his talk with Dumbledore earlier he had been in desperate need of some time for himself, so once his classes were over he had gone out to the grounds of the castle for a walk so he could try and gather his thoughts.
Now, as he stared at the castle, his mind strayed over to his classes and he still couldn't believe that he was back as a Professor. It was temporary, he knew this well enough, but it was just hard to believe. When Dumbledore had approached him he had been so proud, so...happy. Now he doubted he deserved opportunity. ...actually, he knew he didn't deserve the opportunity and felt guilty for taking the position at all. It belonged to someone better than him; someone who deserved Dumbledore's trust more than he did.
The thought caused his stomach to clench once more, for what felt like the thousandth time today, and to take his mind away from it he threw yet another rock towards the lake. Skipping rocks seemed like a pointless, and maybe even childish, thing to do right now, but it was the only thing that was helping him concentrate at all.
Some things really had changed in the time he had been gone, he thought somewhat bitterly as he sent another rock skipping along the surface of the lake. How many years had he spent being so careful of every detail in his life? He was supposed to know better. He knew better, yet twice now he had managed to show carelessness in the one month he had been back. Remus Lupin was not supposed to make those sort of mistakes. He was supposed to stay level-headed, to think things through.
He was supposed to know better.
In an act of anger (or desperation, perhaps, for that need to get rid of something so vile from this Earth) he had challenged Fenrir Greyback. They were supposed to meet, one-on-one, while they were both transformed. To this day he often tried to figure out just what he had been thinking, exactly, when he had made the challenge and the only conclusion he was able to reach was that there was no one else who should risk their lives for this. His wolf form could try to take on Fenrir's, prevent him from infecting someone else on the full moon, and that was it. But if someone were to ask him what he had been thinking when he had made the challenge, the answer was one he was not happy with. He just...hadn't been thinking. He had allowed his emotions to get the better of him when he was usually so good at handling them, and he had made a rash decision despite his better judgment.
He really was supposed to know better.
And now, today, he had to face the fact that he had disappointed Dumbledore. Dumbledore, of all people. Anyone who knew him at all knew that his opinion mattered more than almost anyone. It had been Dumbledore, after all, the one that had welcomed him to Hogwarts when he had figured he would never get a chance to even set foot in the place. He had helped him, mentored him, taught him, inspired him... He had trusted him. In time, as Remus' relationship with his father had started to deteriorate, he had started to see Dumbledore as not only a mentor but also as a sort of father figure. Then, if that wasn't enough, Dumbledore had trusted him (yet again) when he had welcomed him as a professor years later.
Now...he had disappointed him. He had been careless with the information about the Order. Perhaps he hadn't told Dresden about the Order, exactly, but he had assumed wrongly in thinking that Dresden had already been told and had been invited by someone else. He had told him where to find Dumbledore rather than simply putting out the curiosity right there and then how he should have.
He. should. have. known. better.
The thought kept repeating itself, over and over. He had been careless. He had been foolish. This wasn't supposed to be like him at all, because he knew better.
Or, maybe he didn't. Maybe it all really was an act, without even being aware of it, and sometimes it got too hard to keep it up. Maybe, if he wasn't careful, he would lose that act and it really would be his fault that things would fall apart. In the first war he had been suspected of being the spy, after all; maybe they knew him better than he knew himself. Maybe...
Maybe he really didn't know better.
How long had it taken him to earn whatever trust he had from Dumbledore? From everyone? He had worked so hard at being worthy of that trust, but it hadn't been enough. Once because people had thought he'd be the spy that would betray Lily and James, and the other time because of what had happened recently. After he had found out that Sirius had once suspected him of being the spy he had worked twice as hard so he could deserve that trust others had in him, and in one day he had thrown it all away. Score one for the werewolf, he thought even more bitterly than earlier and a sudden fear started to cling to him so tightly that it seemed to drain any sort of warmth from his body. What if his recklessness continued, somehow? Could he ever really be foolish enough to...betray someone? The thought alone made him almost sick to his stomach, which should have been his answer already, but he simply didn't listen. All he kept thinking was that they must have suspected him once for a reason, and he had obviously proved them right now. Maybe he should even tell Dumbledore to get Moody to replace him, he thought as he sent yet another rock skipping across the water. Merlin knew that he himself didn't deserve it.
Looking down at another rock he had been about to throw next, he simply stared at it for a long moment. He would find a way to make it up somehow, he hoped. He had to find a way to fix it. He had to, because otherwise...
...no. He didn't want to think about that. All he knew was that he needed to take away that bitter taste in his mouth, and get rid of that guilt and shame that felt as if it kept crushing his chest. Resolving things would be the only thing that would help, even if he had no idea how to even start to resolve anything.
With a sigh he sent that rock he had been holding flying again and just stared blankly ahead as he got lost in his thoughts once more. He would go back to the castle soon, he just...had to make up his mind first on what to do even if it seemed impossible to come up with a solution.