Loss of Control.
ooc: This is set after finding out Bellatrix took Harry, but way before the organizing of the searching party and this. He needed to vent before he could continue facing whatever he needs to face, and this is it.
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Control was something that Remus had grown to appreciate more than a normal person would. Control of his temper, control of his reactions, control of his life; all of it kept him balanced, it allowed him to lead his life easier. This appreciation for control came after he started to experience how it felt to lose it every full moon. How it felt to lose any sense of right or wrong, how it felt to have both body and mind suddenly bend and break without his will.
Funny. Today wasn't a full moon, and he could feel that control slip away slowly through his fingers.
No one was home. Maybe they would come soon, maybe they would come back in a few hours, but for now he was locked up in the room they used as a library. The cottage was silent except for the sound of his footsteps as he paced from one end of the room to another, but inside his mind his thoughts were strong and loud. They were merciless, how they kept reminding him of everything that was going on. They were painful, how they made him feel the utter helplessness that he despised.
They were everything he had right now. They were what was causing him to lose control.
Remus had become a master at burying his feelings in front of others at a very young age. It was a result of trying to keep his parents calm over his transformations; it was a result of trying to keep everyone happy. He knew well enough how to appear calm and collected even if inside he was crumbling or screaming. He had even managed to make his voice sound convincing as well - he could transmit a calmness that he sometimes didn't feel, but that he so desperately needed.
Right now there was no one to pretend for, however. There were no masks that needed to be put up, there were no barriers that he needed to protect. At the moment it was just him and his thoughts, and that feeling so blinding that kept burning and boiling within him. It was a feeling so strong, so powerful, that he could feel the worst part of himself awaken once more. He could feel it clawing at him. Gnawing. Growling and snarling at his ear, demanding something to appease it with.
Bellatrix. It wanted Bellatrix.
The whole week had been terrible to deal with, feeling angry one minute and depressed the next over what was going on with his family, but he had managed to control it as best as he could even if his protectiveness over his wife had him ready to leap at a second's notice. After what Bellatrix had done, though... Finding out what had happened had opened a gate that kept the beast residing in him to dash out. It had taken all he had to remain calm at Hogwarts while they tried to make sense of what had happened, but when it was said that Harry was the one missing the beast was ready to go out for blood. It was ready to take back just something of everything Bellatrix had managed to take away.
Torture. Pain. Death. Hadn't she caused all of them already, throughout so many years? He still remembered, vividly, the night when she had killed Sirius. He remembered her laughter, he remembered Sirius' face as he was pushed through that veil, he remembered Harry and his desperation for wanting to bring him back.
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" The voice was so clear in his memory that he almost flinched at the sound. And then he remembered just hollow and empty his own voice had sounded after seeing his best friend die without being able to do anything about it. "He can't come back, because he's d-"
No, he thought as he tried to keep the memory away. No, no, no.
But the memories kept coming. One after another.
He had done nothing. He had just stood there while Sirius had died, and what was he doing now?
Nothing. There was just...nothing, and he could feel his chest tighten painfully as the anger and helplessness washed over him once more. Grasping a handful of hair, he forced himself to stand still to calm down, but as he closed his eyes another memory crossed through his mind.
Hogwarts. Nineteen years ago, and Bellatrix had been there as a part of Voldemort's army to take down as many people as she could. And of all the people to kill, of all people to cross paths with, she had gone after Tonks. After his wife. She had killed her, just how she had killed their cousin, and by doing so she had taken away Tonks' opportunity to be there with Teddy. She had snatched away in a second any chance of raising him, of leaving at least one of his parents with him.
The anger and everything he was feeling collided then, and before he knew it there was something flying across the air and smashing on the wall. It was some vase, now shattered into a million pieces on the floor, but he didn't care. Reparo, and it was back to normal.
Kneeling down in front of the now-fixed vase, Remus picked it up and just stared at it. Merlin, how he wanted to just...do that. Say reparo, and fix things even if they seemed too broken to be put together again.
But, he knew better. Leave it to Remus Lupin to know better, he thought dryly.
Now that the anger wasn't as blinding - the bloody vase had managed to snap him out of that trance he had been in - he started to refocus, and try to regain some control again. Dumbledore would find Harry. Sirius, James and himself, they would deal with Bellatrix when the time came. Maybe it wouldn't happen, and someone else would beat them to it (wasn't that what people kept trying to do with him and Fenrir? Try to settle their own score, when he had his own he wanted to deal with?), but for now it was something to focus on. It was easier to think about, because the alternative was allowing himself to think of Harry getting hurt and that was just too painful to endure. He may not be his father, or his godfather, but he had always been protective of Harry. From the very first day he had seen him, he had considered him as part of his family, and loved him as such.
A final snarl was heard from the beast, and Remus let out a growl of his own out of pure frustration as he tried to fight back everything that he was feeling. All the frustration, all the anger, all the helplessness needed to be buried; nothing could be done if he allowed his emotions to take over. He would act rashly if he did, he would go after Bellatrix, he would--
The sound of the vase crashing against the wall snapped him out of his thoughts again, and Remus stared down at his now-empty hands. Across the room the pieces were scattered again, the vase looking too shattered to become whole once more, but Remus didn't care. One flick of his wand would fix things, one single word would put it back together, but neither was done.
Later on he would go back to pretending. He would go back to being calm and collected, but for now he couldn't. Instead he just sat and leaned against the wall, staring blankly at those broken pieces across the room.
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Control was something that Remus had grown to appreciate more than a normal person would. Control of his temper, control of his reactions, control of his life; all of it kept him balanced, it allowed him to lead his life easier. This appreciation for control came after he started to experience how it felt to lose it every full moon. How it felt to lose any sense of right or wrong, how it felt to have both body and mind suddenly bend and break without his will.
Funny. Today wasn't a full moon, and he could feel that control slip away slowly through his fingers.
No one was home. Maybe they would come soon, maybe they would come back in a few hours, but for now he was locked up in the room they used as a library. The cottage was silent except for the sound of his footsteps as he paced from one end of the room to another, but inside his mind his thoughts were strong and loud. They were merciless, how they kept reminding him of everything that was going on. They were painful, how they made him feel the utter helplessness that he despised.
They were everything he had right now. They were what was causing him to lose control.
Remus had become a master at burying his feelings in front of others at a very young age. It was a result of trying to keep his parents calm over his transformations; it was a result of trying to keep everyone happy. He knew well enough how to appear calm and collected even if inside he was crumbling or screaming. He had even managed to make his voice sound convincing as well - he could transmit a calmness that he sometimes didn't feel, but that he so desperately needed.
Right now there was no one to pretend for, however. There were no masks that needed to be put up, there were no barriers that he needed to protect. At the moment it was just him and his thoughts, and that feeling so blinding that kept burning and boiling within him. It was a feeling so strong, so powerful, that he could feel the worst part of himself awaken once more. He could feel it clawing at him. Gnawing. Growling and snarling at his ear, demanding something to appease it with.
Bellatrix. It wanted Bellatrix.
The whole week had been terrible to deal with, feeling angry one minute and depressed the next over what was going on with his family, but he had managed to control it as best as he could even if his protectiveness over his wife had him ready to leap at a second's notice. After what Bellatrix had done, though... Finding out what had happened had opened a gate that kept the beast residing in him to dash out. It had taken all he had to remain calm at Hogwarts while they tried to make sense of what had happened, but when it was said that Harry was the one missing the beast was ready to go out for blood. It was ready to take back just something of everything Bellatrix had managed to take away.
Torture. Pain. Death. Hadn't she caused all of them already, throughout so many years? He still remembered, vividly, the night when she had killed Sirius. He remembered her laughter, he remembered Sirius' face as he was pushed through that veil, he remembered Harry and his desperation for wanting to bring him back.
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" The voice was so clear in his memory that he almost flinched at the sound. And then he remembered just hollow and empty his own voice had sounded after seeing his best friend die without being able to do anything about it. "He can't come back, because he's d-"
No, he thought as he tried to keep the memory away. No, no, no.
But the memories kept coming. One after another.
He had done nothing. He had just stood there while Sirius had died, and what was he doing now?
Nothing. There was just...nothing, and he could feel his chest tighten painfully as the anger and helplessness washed over him once more. Grasping a handful of hair, he forced himself to stand still to calm down, but as he closed his eyes another memory crossed through his mind.
Hogwarts. Nineteen years ago, and Bellatrix had been there as a part of Voldemort's army to take down as many people as she could. And of all the people to kill, of all people to cross paths with, she had gone after Tonks. After his wife. She had killed her, just how she had killed their cousin, and by doing so she had taken away Tonks' opportunity to be there with Teddy. She had snatched away in a second any chance of raising him, of leaving at least one of his parents with him.
The anger and everything he was feeling collided then, and before he knew it there was something flying across the air and smashing on the wall. It was some vase, now shattered into a million pieces on the floor, but he didn't care. Reparo, and it was back to normal.
Kneeling down in front of the now-fixed vase, Remus picked it up and just stared at it. Merlin, how he wanted to just...do that. Say reparo, and fix things even if they seemed too broken to be put together again.
But, he knew better. Leave it to Remus Lupin to know better, he thought dryly.
Now that the anger wasn't as blinding - the bloody vase had managed to snap him out of that trance he had been in - he started to refocus, and try to regain some control again. Dumbledore would find Harry. Sirius, James and himself, they would deal with Bellatrix when the time came. Maybe it wouldn't happen, and someone else would beat them to it (wasn't that what people kept trying to do with him and Fenrir? Try to settle their own score, when he had his own he wanted to deal with?), but for now it was something to focus on. It was easier to think about, because the alternative was allowing himself to think of Harry getting hurt and that was just too painful to endure. He may not be his father, or his godfather, but he had always been protective of Harry. From the very first day he had seen him, he had considered him as part of his family, and loved him as such.
A final snarl was heard from the beast, and Remus let out a growl of his own out of pure frustration as he tried to fight back everything that he was feeling. All the frustration, all the anger, all the helplessness needed to be buried; nothing could be done if he allowed his emotions to take over. He would act rashly if he did, he would go after Bellatrix, he would--
The sound of the vase crashing against the wall snapped him out of his thoughts again, and Remus stared down at his now-empty hands. Across the room the pieces were scattered again, the vase looking too shattered to become whole once more, but Remus didn't care. One flick of his wand would fix things, one single word would put it back together, but neither was done.
Later on he would go back to pretending. He would go back to being calm and collected, but for now he couldn't. Instead he just sat and leaned against the wall, staring blankly at those broken pieces across the room.