fanfic50: 038. Together.
[total fanon response for my Remus' canon (doesn't tie to Harry or Sirius at all unless mun chooses to do so); placed during HBP]
if I'd see you, the storminess will turn to light. and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall, and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright,and everything will be alright'>Even if earlier the Burrow had been as loud as it could possibly get, now as Remus sat in front of the fireplace the only sound that kept him company was the crackling of the fire. Soon he would have to go upstairs, as soon as the fire died down, but at the moment he couldn't imagine moving and it had nothing to do with keeping warm.
It was stupid to entertain the thought. He knew it, and truly was very painfully aware of that fact, yet some part of him - a very illogical one, if he managed to admit it to himself - kept...waiting. For the sound of something other than that familiar crackling. For that familiar scent, rather than the one from Molly's cooking. For that voice, that made his heart ache whenever he remembered it.
"They'll be here for Christmas, can you believe it? We'll need to prepare the house, of course. Make this holiday as it should be. As it should have been for so many years. Can I count on your help, Moony?"
His lips seemed to burn suddenly as he remembered the kiss he had been rewarded for agreeing to help, and that ache in his chest suddenly took his breath away as he remembered the way Sirius' face had lit up as he planned everything. The lights, the decorations, the gifts. Not that there could be many, all things considered, but that hadn't mattered at all. The fact was that they would all get a holiday together. As a family, because that was what Sirius, Harry and himself had become.
It was so hard to believe the fact that all that had happened just a year ago. In so many ways it all seemed like eternities had passed from then until now, and even if he knew that he should be used to the loneliness in his heart, he wasn't. All this was like a slap in the face, reminding him that he obviously wasn't used to it. That he would never be used to this.
But how could he, really? Especially after the holiday they had been able to spend together the previous year? Sirius had been there. He had been happy, finally, even if he couldn't leave Grimmauld as he so desperately wanted.
He had been alive.
Yet, even if he knew that no familiar scent would come walking in, that no familiar voice would call his name, he still sat there staring at the fire. When he stared at it long enough he could see Sirius' face there, and even if it hurt nearly as much as it filled him with relief, he couldn't look away.
'You should have been here,' Remus thought as if Sirius could hear him, feeling his eyes sting even if no tears actually made their way forward. 'You should be able to wish Harry a Happy Christmas in the morning. You should have had dinner with us. You should be with us, Sirius. Merlin, it shouldn't have been you. It should have never been you.'
Instead of seeing Sirius' face in the fire, suddenly he saw something else. He saw Bellatrix, and a veil. He saw Sirius falling through it. He heard Harry's voice, begging him to go after him. To get him back. And he felt that familiar ache at the inability to do so.
Suddenly a shift on the couch he was sitting on brought him back to reality, and Remus blinked over to the person that had just sat next to him. The only light that remained in the room was the dim one that remained from the fire, but it was enough for him to see Harry and see that he was staring at him, as if searching his face wondering if the reason for him to be sitting there was the same one that he had woken up for. And, with just a small nod, the answer was given.
They didn't need to talk in order to know what they were both thinking about. Who they were both thinking about, because that night at the Ministry they had both lost someone that had meant the world to them. Sirius had become that link, to a life that neither one had figured they could ever have again and it had been taken away in just a second. For Harry it was the opportunity to finally have a chance at having a family. For Remus it was the second chance to be with someone who he loved, and had always loved.
Now, even if others couldn't see it, they were both scrambling to gain a grasp onto something because thinking of that loss was overwhelming in the worst way possible. Remus wanted to apologize for not being in touch sooner, for not making sure that he was all right, but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat because he knew that no one could really help either one of them with what they were feeling. Time was supposed to ease the pain, yet they were still waiting.
Reaching over, Remus gave his shoulder a small squeeze as if to tell him You aren't alone in this. They stayed there in silence, watching the flames die down, but after a moment Harry stood with a small sigh. And, without saying anything, he reached for Remus' shoulder and returned the same small squeeze. As if to say, I know. You aren't, either.
if I'd see you, the storminess will turn to light. and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall, and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright,and everything will be alright'>Even if earlier the Burrow had been as loud as it could possibly get, now as Remus sat in front of the fireplace the only sound that kept him company was the crackling of the fire. Soon he would have to go upstairs, as soon as the fire died down, but at the moment he couldn't imagine moving and it had nothing to do with keeping warm.
It was stupid to entertain the thought. He knew it, and truly was very painfully aware of that fact, yet some part of him - a very illogical one, if he managed to admit it to himself - kept...waiting. For the sound of something other than that familiar crackling. For that familiar scent, rather than the one from Molly's cooking. For that voice, that made his heart ache whenever he remembered it.
"They'll be here for Christmas, can you believe it? We'll need to prepare the house, of course. Make this holiday as it should be. As it should have been for so many years. Can I count on your help, Moony?"
His lips seemed to burn suddenly as he remembered the kiss he had been rewarded for agreeing to help, and that ache in his chest suddenly took his breath away as he remembered the way Sirius' face had lit up as he planned everything. The lights, the decorations, the gifts. Not that there could be many, all things considered, but that hadn't mattered at all. The fact was that they would all get a holiday together. As a family, because that was what Sirius, Harry and himself had become.
It was so hard to believe the fact that all that had happened just a year ago. In so many ways it all seemed like eternities had passed from then until now, and even if he knew that he should be used to the loneliness in his heart, he wasn't. All this was like a slap in the face, reminding him that he obviously wasn't used to it. That he would never be used to this.
But how could he, really? Especially after the holiday they had been able to spend together the previous year? Sirius had been there. He had been happy, finally, even if he couldn't leave Grimmauld as he so desperately wanted.
He had been alive.
Yet, even if he knew that no familiar scent would come walking in, that no familiar voice would call his name, he still sat there staring at the fire. When he stared at it long enough he could see Sirius' face there, and even if it hurt nearly as much as it filled him with relief, he couldn't look away.
'You should have been here,' Remus thought as if Sirius could hear him, feeling his eyes sting even if no tears actually made their way forward. 'You should be able to wish Harry a Happy Christmas in the morning. You should have had dinner with us. You should be with us, Sirius. Merlin, it shouldn't have been you. It should have never been you.'
Instead of seeing Sirius' face in the fire, suddenly he saw something else. He saw Bellatrix, and a veil. He saw Sirius falling through it. He heard Harry's voice, begging him to go after him. To get him back. And he felt that familiar ache at the inability to do so.
Suddenly a shift on the couch he was sitting on brought him back to reality, and Remus blinked over to the person that had just sat next to him. The only light that remained in the room was the dim one that remained from the fire, but it was enough for him to see Harry and see that he was staring at him, as if searching his face wondering if the reason for him to be sitting there was the same one that he had woken up for. And, with just a small nod, the answer was given.
They didn't need to talk in order to know what they were both thinking about. Who they were both thinking about, because that night at the Ministry they had both lost someone that had meant the world to them. Sirius had become that link, to a life that neither one had figured they could ever have again and it had been taken away in just a second. For Harry it was the opportunity to finally have a chance at having a family. For Remus it was the second chance to be with someone who he loved, and had always loved.
Now, even if others couldn't see it, they were both scrambling to gain a grasp onto something because thinking of that loss was overwhelming in the worst way possible. Remus wanted to apologize for not being in touch sooner, for not making sure that he was all right, but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat because he knew that no one could really help either one of them with what they were feeling. Time was supposed to ease the pain, yet they were still waiting.
Reaching over, Remus gave his shoulder a small squeeze as if to tell him You aren't alone in this. They stayed there in silence, watching the flames die down, but after a moment Harry stood with a small sigh. And, without saying anything, he reached for Remus' shoulder and returned the same small squeeze. As if to say, I know. You aren't, either.