Valentine's Day: that which has birthed the Abomination of sugar-free heart-shaped Peeps.
(Among other things.)
Better titles for this day:
Singles Awareness Day
Forced Affection Day
V.D.
Anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre
I'm not saying this any more as someone who is against couples out of pure spite and jealousy. I feel secure enough at this point in my life to actually enjoy the sight of people in love or even just enjoying one another's company, granted that they do not do so in such a way as to nauseate all immediate bystanders.
But all the awesome people I know hate this holiday (meaning all of my friends and family, pretty much) because it forces couples to blow money on each other in order to prove their affection and it drives many single people into spite, jealousy, and the blackest angst when they would normally laugh at something so obviously contrived. Even as kids we used to get around the "everyone gets a valentine" rule by giving the nice ones to people we liked and crumpled ones with pre-printed greetings and nothing else on them to kids we didn't like so much. In high school I got a carnation as a present from my stalker, and in college I worked in the Mail Hut and sorted numerous postal service bins overflowing with valentines, none of which were ever addressed to me and some of which said only "To My [insert mushy term here]" with no name or address on them. (Those went directly into the garbage, seeing as we Mail Hut people have never been very good at reading minds.)
Today's Fashion Forecast: Sick of pink, purple, red and white? Black is the obvious color for anti-Valentine hipsters, but why not choose something a little more au courant?
-- Blue will signal your depression at the day, and makes a striking impression when paired with black.
-- Green (especially pea soup color), "baby shit yellow," and related mulch-toned shades indicate your readiness to vomit at all the mushy sentiment.
-- Brown, especially yellow or green-toned brown, gives a nice effect that the wearer is shitting on the whole VD parade or, in another vein, does not give a shit about valentines.
And last but not least, why not celebrate the anniversary of the infamous Massacre?
-- In a timeless twist on traditional signs of affection, men may kiss anyone who needs to be whacked.
-- Leave your sweetheart a surprise he or she will never forget: a racehorse's severed head painted with little hearts and tied with pretty ribbons. (For the pillow version, see here.)
If you hate Valentine's Day and would love to tell us all why, please leave a comment. Misery shared is misery lessened, or at least made funny.
Better titles for this day:
Singles Awareness Day
Forced Affection Day
V.D.
Anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre
I'm not saying this any more as someone who is against couples out of pure spite and jealousy. I feel secure enough at this point in my life to actually enjoy the sight of people in love or even just enjoying one another's company, granted that they do not do so in such a way as to nauseate all immediate bystanders.
But all the awesome people I know hate this holiday (meaning all of my friends and family, pretty much) because it forces couples to blow money on each other in order to prove their affection and it drives many single people into spite, jealousy, and the blackest angst when they would normally laugh at something so obviously contrived. Even as kids we used to get around the "everyone gets a valentine" rule by giving the nice ones to people we liked and crumpled ones with pre-printed greetings and nothing else on them to kids we didn't like so much. In high school I got a carnation as a present from my stalker, and in college I worked in the Mail Hut and sorted numerous postal service bins overflowing with valentines, none of which were ever addressed to me and some of which said only "To My [insert mushy term here]" with no name or address on them. (Those went directly into the garbage, seeing as we Mail Hut people have never been very good at reading minds.)
Today's Fashion Forecast: Sick of pink, purple, red and white? Black is the obvious color for anti-Valentine hipsters, but why not choose something a little more au courant?
-- Blue will signal your depression at the day, and makes a striking impression when paired with black.
-- Green (especially pea soup color), "baby shit yellow," and related mulch-toned shades indicate your readiness to vomit at all the mushy sentiment.
-- Brown, especially yellow or green-toned brown, gives a nice effect that the wearer is shitting on the whole VD parade or, in another vein, does not give a shit about valentines.
And last but not least, why not celebrate the anniversary of the infamous Massacre?
-- In a timeless twist on traditional signs of affection, men may kiss anyone who needs to be whacked.
-- Leave your sweetheart a surprise he or she will never forget: a racehorse's severed head painted with little hearts and tied with pretty ribbons. (For the pillow version, see here.)
If you hate Valentine's Day and would love to tell us all why, please leave a comment. Misery shared is misery lessened, or at least made funny.