Lifetime.
Bam. Last hit. The bell goes during the half time heat and of course, i am on my back again. Even more bruised than before, but i did not try to stand up this time. Instead, i closed my eyes and let the feeling of failure drive through my body. I feel cold, emotionless and lonely while my demons win this battle once again. I got dragged across the ring and was put on a stool, where my coaches and friends were supposed to be. I turned to see no one around me. It was empty. I looked across my opponent's half and there i saw- its substitutes and my fears.
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In reality, I lay against the concrete wall of my "favourite hang out spot", somewhere i thought i've long forgotten. I counted down, but shook awake when a call came through.
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A hand reached out to me to pat my sweaty and gruesomely bruised shoulder. I turned, dizzily, and there you were. You did not say a word but in that millisecond i felt like i have won. I looked to you, and saw that you were devastated too. You could not understand my stupidity but you still did not say a thing.
I got back up on my feet and this time, i will fight.
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Those moments when you saw me and was half-screaming repeatedly "fuck you. fuck you", I felt so sorry and thankful at the same time. I haven't been here for a long while, and i know this has kept you wondering for a long period of time. Tonight, after speaking to you, i'm admitting that i need help. Help that only you've proven effective, and also the only i'm receptive towards. So, I've invited you to this space, sharing with you all my tormented and unpleasant past, even though you know me more than all of these already. i've held great sentimental value towards this space, and i hope it will be written with love and courage from now on. My mental health has not been at its best state the last few days/ weeks, when i felt so small and thought so much. Your love is so forgiving and so patient. When i look at you, (even though you catch me sneak glances at you sometimes) i melt on the inside and throw my head back for alittle while and really do feel the bliss I've never felt before. For 20 years, I did not live. I was hanging by a thin thread and yeah, you were right, i hated life to its core. I am in awe of what God had put to you when he made you because i felt like i could be whole again. I love you. Everything i've experienced was flawed, and i did not know love till there was you.
________________________________________________________________________________________
In reality, I lay against the concrete wall of my "favourite hang out spot", somewhere i thought i've long forgotten. I counted down, but shook awake when a call came through.
________________________________________________________________________________________
A hand reached out to me to pat my sweaty and gruesomely bruised shoulder. I turned, dizzily, and there you were. You did not say a word but in that millisecond i felt like i have won. I looked to you, and saw that you were devastated too. You could not understand my stupidity but you still did not say a thing.
I got back up on my feet and this time, i will fight.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Those moments when you saw me and was half-screaming repeatedly "fuck you. fuck you", I felt so sorry and thankful at the same time. I haven't been here for a long while, and i know this has kept you wondering for a long period of time. Tonight, after speaking to you, i'm admitting that i need help. Help that only you've proven effective, and also the only i'm receptive towards. So, I've invited you to this space, sharing with you all my tormented and unpleasant past, even though you know me more than all of these already. i've held great sentimental value towards this space, and i hope it will be written with love and courage from now on. My mental health has not been at its best state the last few days/ weeks, when i felt so small and thought so much. Your love is so forgiving and so patient. When i look at you, (even though you catch me sneak glances at you sometimes) i melt on the inside and throw my head back for alittle while and really do feel the bliss I've never felt before. For 20 years, I did not live. I was hanging by a thin thread and yeah, you were right, i hated life to its core. I am in awe of what God had put to you when he made you because i felt like i could be whole again. I love you. Everything i've experienced was flawed, and i did not know love till there was you.