Comments | r_a_l_i_g_h: Six Years Today

r_a_l_i_g_h

Six Years Today

Sep 28, 2005 16:09

It’s been six years to the day since we lost my dad. My mom had to remind me this morning. I probably would have remembered at some point today, writing the date. But I hadn’t even been paying attention to the fact it was coming up, something I have noticed in past years ( Read more... )

my family, deep thoughts, part of my journey

Comments 16

bostonben September 28 2005, 22:01:05 UTC

*hugs*

A thought -- have you gone to therapy about any of this? I found it somewhat helpful to discuss what brought on my binge eating, although I don't think you have a binge eating problem like I do.

r_a_l_i_g_h September 28 2005, 23:15:51 UTC

Thanks.

No. My mom has asked if I think I need to, but at this point I really don't think I do. I probably could have used it a couple years ago, it might have helped me get to this point of healing faster. But, I'm not sure I would have accepted it then.

I am a very introspective, analytical person. I can be very objective about my strengthes and weaknesses. Denial is not a big part of my life. Even when I decide to escape from my problems, I generally acknowledge that's what I'm doing and usually even consider WHY I'm doing it.

That's why looking back on those years is so odd to me, it's like somebody took over my brain.

Now, I'm doing so much better. I talk about my struggles to people. I force myself to stretch out into uncomfortable areas. I may come upon some area that I do need to talk to somebody about, but right now, I think I'm healing well with the help of my family and friends - and that includes you guys, for sure!

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r_a_l_i_g_h September 28 2005, 23:25:10 UTC

Hee.

Life should come with an "edit" function, shouldn't it?

r_a_l_i_g_h September 28 2005, 23:24:28 UTC

What I really meant, is I didn't FEEL like I was missing out on anything. Or, when I did, it made sense as part of the grieving process, (Christmas not as much fun? Wonder why? College graduation a little bittersweet? Same thing.)

I'm by no means ashamed to talk to somebody if I need to. At this point though, I think I'm healing and improving as well as I can.

My mom has been invaluable. She is truly healed from losing my dad (he was simply half her soul), something I never thought would happen. And I think a little bit of why I didn't/couldn't deal with everything right away, is because I felt I needed to be "strong" for her and the family. (eldest, you know)

I haven't been to his gravesite since that year. Not so much deliberately as just not arranging the opportunity - the cemetary is all the way on the other side of town. I think that's something I need to do in the not-to-distant future.

I'm glad my sharing meant something to you. I'm glad your mom is here for you.

carpedi7 September 28 2005, 22:19:00 UTC

awww sweetheart. {{Hugs}}, I Love how you can just remember him and you want to remind people of him.

r_a_l_i_g_h September 28 2005, 23:28:57 UTC

Thanks!

The nice thing is, my family was so close (I've known my parents as friends as well as parents for almost as long as I can remember) that there's not a lot of "what might have beens."

I KNEW my dad. We all did. So when we remember him, it's not "I wonder what Daddy would think...?" but "Oh, wouldn't Daddy love...!" or "If Daddy were here, he would..." And that makes it so much easier to keep his memory alive, especially for my youngest siblings (who were only 4 and 8 at the time).

carpedi7 September 28 2005, 23:35:52 UTC

I totally get that. My mom is my bset friend on earth so I get the parents as friends thing.

r_a_l_i_g_h September 29 2005, 13:13:12 UTC

Yeah. My mom is completely my best friend. And, since an overwhelming number of people we know nowdays never even met my dad, I play a very special role in her life, as well.

petunia846 September 28 2005, 22:46:53 UTC

*extra big, gigantic, dinosaur-sized hugs for you today*

r_a_l_i_g_h September 28 2005, 23:29:50 UTC

T-Rex hugs?

Thanks so much.

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r_a_l_i_g_h September 28 2005, 23:34:19 UTC

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is good when you can share and remember without regret.

Thank you. That's my one little shade of regret, is that he loved me so much and hoped for me and believed in me so much, and worried over my teenage screwups. I wish he could just pop down for a visit, or I could send him a letter and tell him in WORDS that I understand and I'm sorry and I came out okay - because of him.

I know he always knew that, but I want to be able to tell him.