Just to let you know
The day before yesterday my mom had an appointment with our asthma doctor because she's been having a lot of problems lately. Well, it turns out it's not just asthma related.
There's something wrong with her lungs.
Now, when she called and told me that, my own heart and breathing practically stopped and I nearly passed out. See, it's nine years ago last week that we had my dad's surgery and realized that the cancer had progressed far beyond any projections and, well, basically, he was going to die and there was nothing that could be done.
However, this is not the same situation. It isn't cancer. Based on the x-rays and what little we know now it looks like although there is something in the tissue of her lungs, not just the airways, there doesn't appear to be any damage ("honeycombing" is apparently the medical term - and, oh, do I hate being in a position to become familiar with terminology like that again). Our doctor is pretty sure that it is still treatable and reversible at this point.
It looks like it's probably a reaction to an allergen getting into the lungs. (And we know the cause is probably the AC vents in the back of the house where the bedrooms are. Due to all the rain we had over the last year, the French drains in the front yard have been backing up and water gets into the AC ducts in the floor. We pump it out, but it has most likely has developed mold which led to this. And, yeah, we've been meaning to get it fixed but it's $10,000+ and before we can do that we have to have some foundation work done from the house settling. We've had a structural engineer out a couple times for assessments and a contractor, too, but in between that there was the holidays and then there was my sister's surgery and then ... It's been a busy year.)
The doctor says she thinks it's hypersensitive pneumonitis. And, no, we have not and ARE NOT looking it up. We do not need to know the possibilities. We have already lived through the worst case scenario in this sort of thing before.
It is horrific enough simply to know this. Simply for it to exist.
We're not telling the Siblings. I mean, we let them know that "her asthma is worse than we thought and she has to go to another specialist" (she has an appointment with a pulmonologist on July 16th) but until we know, really know one way or another, they don't need to live with the fear and uncertainty.
My mom and I basically spent the remainder of the day on Wednesday between numb and trying to ward off a panic attack. (Fortunately all of the Siblings are all gone most of this week - out of town, at friends' houses, dance camp, etc. So we could deal.) And praying whatever fragments we could put into words.
Right now we're trying to adjust and cope.
The reality is that even if it isn't reversible, it isn't immediately fatal. It will put severe physical limitations on her and will alter our lifestyle, and probably shorten her lifespan, but she'll still have years left. But it isn't a death sentence. It's not like Daddy, where she will be gone by Christmas.
But see, that's the thing. Even if this is a best case scenario, and she goes in, gets some treatment and everything's over and okay and no more problems ever again - We know the flip side. We KNOW how wrong things can go. We have lived through and suffered through it. And we are reliving it now.
And will continue to do so for the next five weeks at least.
If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't understand. It probably sounds kind of silly even. But that's what we're going through, those of us who know. (And we're not even telling any other family members. My mom, brother (the 25-year-old one) and I are the only ones. We've told a few close friends so they can be praying and just so someone else knows. But it's a very limited group.
I really don't want to talk about it, sorta stupid to say in a big long post like this, I know. But I kinda wanted to let you know something was going on so you'd know that I was dealing with something. And I didn't want to downplay it and I didn't think it was really fair to say "Something potentially really really bad is going on and it's digging up a whole decade's worth of issues and emotional trauma and I'm having to deal with it" and leave it at that. Which would have been about all I could come up with before this.
The first day was really, truly, utterly horrific. But now I'm at a place spiritually, emotionally, mentally where I'm at peace. Not because I'm in denial or just coping so well. But I could either flip out, or repress, or move to a place of faith and trust and patience. We can't do anything to change or undo what has happened and we can't really know what we're dealing with until we get in to see the specialist. So right now I'm just dealing with today. Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.
So, that's how it stands right now. I tried to keep it short and just give the facts, but I wanted you to also understand the emotional resonance this situation has for me.
I may or may not be around. If stuff is particularly hard out in real life, I have a feeling it might be nice to come in 'round here and just escape for a little while into a picspam or some random post or comment thread. On the other hand, I might choose to work some stuff out by getting my thoughts down into words and letting them go. Either way, please don't feel like you have to act or respond in a certain manner. Don't feel you have to give sympathy or you should hold back from being silly or making a particular comment. Please try to act as normal (well, "normal") as usual. I think that's one of the big reasons that we're holding back on telling people until we know exactly what we're dealing with - we don't want to face The Looks from others. Those of you who have gone through this sort of thing for yourself or with a loved one, know what I'm talking about. The only thing I would ask is if you do know any sort of medical information about this situation please do not share unless it is completely positive. I really don't need any kind of medical horror stories, as I'm sure you understand.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" and letting me dump this stuff out there. I'm going to go prepare a late lunch and clean out the fridge.
There's something wrong with her lungs.
Now, when she called and told me that, my own heart and breathing practically stopped and I nearly passed out. See, it's nine years ago last week that we had my dad's surgery and realized that the cancer had progressed far beyond any projections and, well, basically, he was going to die and there was nothing that could be done.
However, this is not the same situation. It isn't cancer. Based on the x-rays and what little we know now it looks like although there is something in the tissue of her lungs, not just the airways, there doesn't appear to be any damage ("honeycombing" is apparently the medical term - and, oh, do I hate being in a position to become familiar with terminology like that again). Our doctor is pretty sure that it is still treatable and reversible at this point.
It looks like it's probably a reaction to an allergen getting into the lungs. (And we know the cause is probably the AC vents in the back of the house where the bedrooms are. Due to all the rain we had over the last year, the French drains in the front yard have been backing up and water gets into the AC ducts in the floor. We pump it out, but it has most likely has developed mold which led to this. And, yeah, we've been meaning to get it fixed but it's $10,000+ and before we can do that we have to have some foundation work done from the house settling. We've had a structural engineer out a couple times for assessments and a contractor, too, but in between that there was the holidays and then there was my sister's surgery and then ... It's been a busy year.)
The doctor says she thinks it's hypersensitive pneumonitis. And, no, we have not and ARE NOT looking it up. We do not need to know the possibilities. We have already lived through the worst case scenario in this sort of thing before.
It is horrific enough simply to know this. Simply for it to exist.
We're not telling the Siblings. I mean, we let them know that "her asthma is worse than we thought and she has to go to another specialist" (she has an appointment with a pulmonologist on July 16th) but until we know, really know one way or another, they don't need to live with the fear and uncertainty.
My mom and I basically spent the remainder of the day on Wednesday between numb and trying to ward off a panic attack. (Fortunately all of the Siblings are all gone most of this week - out of town, at friends' houses, dance camp, etc. So we could deal.) And praying whatever fragments we could put into words.
Right now we're trying to adjust and cope.
The reality is that even if it isn't reversible, it isn't immediately fatal. It will put severe physical limitations on her and will alter our lifestyle, and probably shorten her lifespan, but she'll still have years left. But it isn't a death sentence. It's not like Daddy, where she will be gone by Christmas.
But see, that's the thing. Even if this is a best case scenario, and she goes in, gets some treatment and everything's over and okay and no more problems ever again - We know the flip side. We KNOW how wrong things can go. We have lived through and suffered through it. And we are reliving it now.
And will continue to do so for the next five weeks at least.
If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't understand. It probably sounds kind of silly even. But that's what we're going through, those of us who know. (And we're not even telling any other family members. My mom, brother (the 25-year-old one) and I are the only ones. We've told a few close friends so they can be praying and just so someone else knows. But it's a very limited group.
I really don't want to talk about it, sorta stupid to say in a big long post like this, I know. But I kinda wanted to let you know something was going on so you'd know that I was dealing with something. And I didn't want to downplay it and I didn't think it was really fair to say "Something potentially really really bad is going on and it's digging up a whole decade's worth of issues and emotional trauma and I'm having to deal with it" and leave it at that. Which would have been about all I could come up with before this.
The first day was really, truly, utterly horrific. But now I'm at a place spiritually, emotionally, mentally where I'm at peace. Not because I'm in denial or just coping so well. But I could either flip out, or repress, or move to a place of faith and trust and patience. We can't do anything to change or undo what has happened and we can't really know what we're dealing with until we get in to see the specialist. So right now I'm just dealing with today. Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.
So, that's how it stands right now. I tried to keep it short and just give the facts, but I wanted you to also understand the emotional resonance this situation has for me.
I may or may not be around. If stuff is particularly hard out in real life, I have a feeling it might be nice to come in 'round here and just escape for a little while into a picspam or some random post or comment thread. On the other hand, I might choose to work some stuff out by getting my thoughts down into words and letting them go. Either way, please don't feel like you have to act or respond in a certain manner. Don't feel you have to give sympathy or you should hold back from being silly or making a particular comment. Please try to act as normal (well, "normal") as usual. I think that's one of the big reasons that we're holding back on telling people until we know exactly what we're dealing with - we don't want to face The Looks from others. Those of you who have gone through this sort of thing for yourself or with a loved one, know what I'm talking about. The only thing I would ask is if you do know any sort of medical information about this situation please do not share unless it is completely positive. I really don't need any kind of medical horror stories, as I'm sure you understand.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" and letting me dump this stuff out there. I'm going to go prepare a late lunch and clean out the fridge.