“Youthful Innocence”
By the time I was 18 I had been 21 for years, for way too long. Now i find myself reaching for youth and feigning innocence. Innocence that left me too soon, like a deadbeat parent it ditched me when I wasn’t ready. A part of my life is missing now, and I can’t get anywhere without abandoning the adolescence I have left and forever be deficient. When my carelessness left me so did living my life. I might as well be five, as I step on the butt of my blunt and walk home high. They say who you are now is who you would have felt safe with as a kid, but that kid is still here and is terrified. I lost the maturity I was forced to take on. Now I might as well be seven, doodling on a paper, not in class but receipt paper from the convenience store, drooling not from childish boredom but from drunkenness instead. Lithium over vitamin gummies, punching walls over tantrums. How did I get here instead of out of here? I don’t ask my mother, I never loved my father, we sit in a circle and introduce ourselves but preschool was years ago.
-e :/