The back. Ongoing. Overindulgent Rambling.
Today is not the worst day of my life - not by any stretch of the imagination. Worst day is the 24 hour period in which your dad has a heart attack and your step-mom discovers she has incurable cancer. Worst day is the love of your life walking out on you, and the future you thought was coming when you have to move in one month and have no job and no apartment and your heart breaks into a million pieces in a way you didn't even know was possible and from which you may never recover. Worst day is realizing that for your own mental health you may never be able to spend time with or even speak to your biological mother who raised you because she's too crazy, and it's contributed to the horrible crazy that you have.
But today just sucks. I love Jeremy and Amy and I was looking forward to watching them celebrate their love for each other. I had my Fluevog boots all picked out and a cute dress that matched my date's outfit. I was so excited to see Amy, especially in her dress that Windy made. I heard it looked amazing.
I was so ready for the sexy party. The sexy party that I had been excited about since Lauri and Seth chose the date for sure in the parking lot of the convergence volunteer party. I have a fucking AWESOME idea and an amazing costume that Cali sewed for me, and I was going to look both sexy and totally F-ing ridiculous. My boyfriend was going to discover furry tendencies he never knew he had...I was so excited to see everyone's sexy ideas. I had a great plan for my boyfriend, who was surprisingly excited about the party too.
My back spasmed this morning while I was carrying my boots over to where I was trying on dresses for the wedding. It's been feeling so much better the last few days; so much better I was hoping to go back to circus, not tumbling but at least the aerial part. I have been getting up every single day before work and doing my stretching and some basic strengthening exercises. Yesterday I sat at work all day and it didn't hurt.
The first time that my back did this whole thing, it was one of the worst things ever, somewhat on par with the above-mentioned worst days. The complete lack of control, or understanding. Falling over and just being, I admit it, too stubborn to call someone to come help me. The pure ridiculousness, of having Cali drag me down the hall to the bathroom and help me pee. The fact that by the time we got to the doctor riding in a wheel chair was so painful that I was crying and I couldn't move my left leg at all. BUT - I thought the doctor could help me. She gave me steroids and pain killers and a physical therapist. And the drugs were lovely and the physicial therapist was like a miracle worker. And things slowly got better.
I've had a couple episodes since then. They were easily fixed with physical therapy, except this last one. I saw my doctor again. I have an MRI scheduled. I know the treatment options for the issues that are probably causing this are not great or many. But it didn't feel hopeless.
Today, it just felt hopeless. To go from feeling so mobile and controlled to being completely immobilized. To having to have my boyfriend carry me to the bathroom. To crying because everyone I know is doing the things I want to be doing. To think that I might never be able to be active in the way that I've been loving again. To feel ashamed that I won't be able to do the things in my artist cooperative that I would like to do, like hang a lyra in the lobby during open loft times and have a performance or to maybe hold a circus of the unusual at the nearby park. Just the loss of the simple trust in my body that it will support me when I need it. To not have the amazing high that I get after circus from the combination of intense exercise and mastering something totally awesome that two years ago I could not have done.
And in the end, today, just such a let-down that it had to happen on a day that I really wanted to spend doing multiple wonderful things. Everytime my percocet wears off I start crying, and then I feel even lamer!
I know that this is not crippling, and that many many people have much worse things they deal with everyday. I have a job that allows me to work from home and gives me sick time and help. I have amazing friends, who even today are making sure that I am not left out and alone and are even feeding me! I have a boyfriend that ran all over town to make sure I had the books I wanted and the supplies I needed to costume up if I did decide to take a ton of percocet and just go to the parties anyway. I am so grateful to everyone in my life.
But I find that while I handled each of the other episodes with my back with at least a modicum of aplomb, today I am just depressed.
But today just sucks. I love Jeremy and Amy and I was looking forward to watching them celebrate their love for each other. I had my Fluevog boots all picked out and a cute dress that matched my date's outfit. I was so excited to see Amy, especially in her dress that Windy made. I heard it looked amazing.
I was so ready for the sexy party. The sexy party that I had been excited about since Lauri and Seth chose the date for sure in the parking lot of the convergence volunteer party. I have a fucking AWESOME idea and an amazing costume that Cali sewed for me, and I was going to look both sexy and totally F-ing ridiculous. My boyfriend was going to discover furry tendencies he never knew he had...I was so excited to see everyone's sexy ideas. I had a great plan for my boyfriend, who was surprisingly excited about the party too.
My back spasmed this morning while I was carrying my boots over to where I was trying on dresses for the wedding. It's been feeling so much better the last few days; so much better I was hoping to go back to circus, not tumbling but at least the aerial part. I have been getting up every single day before work and doing my stretching and some basic strengthening exercises. Yesterday I sat at work all day and it didn't hurt.
The first time that my back did this whole thing, it was one of the worst things ever, somewhat on par with the above-mentioned worst days. The complete lack of control, or understanding. Falling over and just being, I admit it, too stubborn to call someone to come help me. The pure ridiculousness, of having Cali drag me down the hall to the bathroom and help me pee. The fact that by the time we got to the doctor riding in a wheel chair was so painful that I was crying and I couldn't move my left leg at all. BUT - I thought the doctor could help me. She gave me steroids and pain killers and a physical therapist. And the drugs were lovely and the physicial therapist was like a miracle worker. And things slowly got better.
I've had a couple episodes since then. They were easily fixed with physical therapy, except this last one. I saw my doctor again. I have an MRI scheduled. I know the treatment options for the issues that are probably causing this are not great or many. But it didn't feel hopeless.
Today, it just felt hopeless. To go from feeling so mobile and controlled to being completely immobilized. To having to have my boyfriend carry me to the bathroom. To crying because everyone I know is doing the things I want to be doing. To think that I might never be able to be active in the way that I've been loving again. To feel ashamed that I won't be able to do the things in my artist cooperative that I would like to do, like hang a lyra in the lobby during open loft times and have a performance or to maybe hold a circus of the unusual at the nearby park. Just the loss of the simple trust in my body that it will support me when I need it. To not have the amazing high that I get after circus from the combination of intense exercise and mastering something totally awesome that two years ago I could not have done.
And in the end, today, just such a let-down that it had to happen on a day that I really wanted to spend doing multiple wonderful things. Everytime my percocet wears off I start crying, and then I feel even lamer!
I know that this is not crippling, and that many many people have much worse things they deal with everyday. I have a job that allows me to work from home and gives me sick time and help. I have amazing friends, who even today are making sure that I am not left out and alone and are even feeding me! I have a boyfriend that ran all over town to make sure I had the books I wanted and the supplies I needed to costume up if I did decide to take a ton of percocet and just go to the parties anyway. I am so grateful to everyone in my life.
But I find that while I handled each of the other episodes with my back with at least a modicum of aplomb, today I am just depressed.