A Decision Coming Soon.....
I've done a lot of thinking this past weekend and today, and I've come to a conclusion; I'm depressed. Last year I went to my school's nurse sometime in November/December because I was having problems sleeping. She gave me a huge packet, and most of it pointed to the cause being depression. I shrugged this off, thinking "hey, I'm not depressed," but now I am beginning to think I was wrong.
At St. Mike's I slept soooo well. I thought my bed had some magic power. I could literally put my head on the pillow and be asleep in under two minutes (ask Jon or Vinny if ya doubt me). I've been home almost two months now, and since the first day I've been back, so has my sleeping problems. Now those of you who know me best know that I have had some serious problems with my grandparents. The drinking and constant bickering/fighting/screaming has taken its toll on me a few times, but up until tonight I hadn't really thought of it as causing depression. After this weekend however, I'm beginning to think differently. My grandparents went down to Marblehead for what was supposed to be one night, but thanks to the blizzard it ended up being three nights. For the first time since I've been home from college I was able to sleep. I must have gotten at least 7 hours of sleep each of the three nights, something that I haven't experienced in a VERY long time. I didn't originally link that to them being gone, but from the past hours events it now seems so clear to me.
They haven't even been back a full day, and alread there is conflict. Why? The three of us just got into a fight about a doctor's appointment and how it is going to be scheduled..... A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT! My grandfather (drunk as usual) started shouting at the top of his lungs as my grandmother (also drunk) just ignored him and tried to quietly say what she thought to me, even though time and time again he hears these little whispers of input. So I go into the den, trying to avoid conflict, and the usual thoughts of moving out run through my mind. Suddenly, as if reading my mind my grandmother, talking to herself says "if you move out that will be it... I hope you'll like paying for your schooling."
Now first off, thats just creepy as hell, but it makes me wonder. Do they actually want me staying here? Do they think the only reason that I am staying here is because then they will pay for college? Either way, I'm going to give them an answer. I've decided that I'm going to move out. I'm going to stay with my mom tomorrow and possibly Wednesday and go job hunting in Concord. I don't care whether I work at a nice restaurant, Walmart, a gas station, or McDonalds..... I will find a job. When I do I am going to come back here, pack my things, and tell my grandparents I'll see them around.
Its now not even a matter of me just not wanting to be here. I haven't been happy since I've been home. Not only have I not been sleeping, but I'm almost always down. I didn't even associate that with being home until Kate brought up the fact that she felt since I have been home I haven't been happy/optimistic/insert positive adjective here. Coming from her, I know something is wrong. I finally think I have thought this out enough to make a logical and responsible decision. I'm not worried about the cost of college. Ever since junior year of high school I've regretted being under the financial black mail of my grandparents, and now I finally have a way to get out of that, and its what I want to do. I'm going to apply for financial aid and scholarships, and after that there are student loans which I would gladly take on in exchange for being happy with my home. If all goes the way I hope this will be the last message from Tuftonboro, but I'll updating as the story unfolds...
At St. Mike's I slept soooo well. I thought my bed had some magic power. I could literally put my head on the pillow and be asleep in under two minutes (ask Jon or Vinny if ya doubt me). I've been home almost two months now, and since the first day I've been back, so has my sleeping problems. Now those of you who know me best know that I have had some serious problems with my grandparents. The drinking and constant bickering/fighting/screaming has taken its toll on me a few times, but up until tonight I hadn't really thought of it as causing depression. After this weekend however, I'm beginning to think differently. My grandparents went down to Marblehead for what was supposed to be one night, but thanks to the blizzard it ended up being three nights. For the first time since I've been home from college I was able to sleep. I must have gotten at least 7 hours of sleep each of the three nights, something that I haven't experienced in a VERY long time. I didn't originally link that to them being gone, but from the past hours events it now seems so clear to me.
They haven't even been back a full day, and alread there is conflict. Why? The three of us just got into a fight about a doctor's appointment and how it is going to be scheduled..... A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT! My grandfather (drunk as usual) started shouting at the top of his lungs as my grandmother (also drunk) just ignored him and tried to quietly say what she thought to me, even though time and time again he hears these little whispers of input. So I go into the den, trying to avoid conflict, and the usual thoughts of moving out run through my mind. Suddenly, as if reading my mind my grandmother, talking to herself says "if you move out that will be it... I hope you'll like paying for your schooling."
Now first off, thats just creepy as hell, but it makes me wonder. Do they actually want me staying here? Do they think the only reason that I am staying here is because then they will pay for college? Either way, I'm going to give them an answer. I've decided that I'm going to move out. I'm going to stay with my mom tomorrow and possibly Wednesday and go job hunting in Concord. I don't care whether I work at a nice restaurant, Walmart, a gas station, or McDonalds..... I will find a job. When I do I am going to come back here, pack my things, and tell my grandparents I'll see them around.
Its now not even a matter of me just not wanting to be here. I haven't been happy since I've been home. Not only have I not been sleeping, but I'm almost always down. I didn't even associate that with being home until Kate brought up the fact that she felt since I have been home I haven't been happy/optimistic/insert positive adjective here. Coming from her, I know something is wrong. I finally think I have thought this out enough to make a logical and responsible decision. I'm not worried about the cost of college. Ever since junior year of high school I've regretted being under the financial black mail of my grandparents, and now I finally have a way to get out of that, and its what I want to do. I'm going to apply for financial aid and scholarships, and after that there are student loans which I would gladly take on in exchange for being happy with my home. If all goes the way I hope this will be the last message from Tuftonboro, but I'll updating as the story unfolds...