How I Spent My 4th of July
How I spent my 4th of July
I did NOT have a good day today ! It wasn't even 10 o'clock before my day turned into a major crap-storm. I hadn't even gotten out of "bed" yet and it was disastrous. First of all, in case you missed it earlier, I don't even own a bed. I have a really bad back, so I live and sleep in the same recliner - a motorized lift chair type. (I don't need the old lady lifting part, but they are infinitely adjustable, and just a button to press. I usually can't reach the levers on normal recliners. I guess they just don't care about short people.)
I was moving around, waking up this morning, and the back of the chair made an ominous CRACK ! And the back part just went slack back there. So I had to start out my day by putting my back out to FLING my fat self UPHILL to get out of the chair. (Do I look like a person who does many uphill situps?) My new chair is "toast" (meaning really broken). Now I have to figure out how to send it back to the factory to hopefully fix it. The chair is only a year old, and was $1300, so I'm really upset !!! This was supposed to last me until death, hopefully.
Luckily, when I got the new one, I refused to listen to my son and throw out the still working old one (which I inherited from a dead old lady), and it was in the storage room. So I had to muscle the two chairs all around my apartment by myself - remember, this is the lady with the really bad back who can't even be erect in a regular chair for a few hours and hasn't lain down in a few years. These chairs are as heavy as a couch, because of the motors, but hard to grip onto, because of the moving parts.
Got the second one wedged in the door, on its side, and stuck. I was there, imagining myself stuck for a few days in the spare room, no food or water, and just in my undies (Big, ugly, cotton granny panties, and barefoot, with a raggedy, stretched out, ancient tank top on). I'm thinking, PLEASE don't make me have to open a window and holler out for HELP !! (Why couldn't I be wearing my sexy leopard print C string, right?)
I literally sat down in the room I was stranded in, dripping with sweat, ... ( I mean "glistening". My mother always said, "Horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies glisten."), chest heaving ... And thought I would never get over that chair stuck in the doorway, not without breaking it. The chair was on its side, to get it to go around the corner. What would be the sense of breaking the second chair, right? And I thought to myself, James is going to come back from Up North with my minivan, but not for 2 or 3 days. And I don't even have my cellphone in this room with me, what am I going to do?
*looks around the room for some container to pee in, because I'm not going to do what the cat does when she gets locked in this room by mistake....
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I did muster up the energy to try again with the stuck chair, and finally got it out the door. But it occurred to me that either my neighbors (in all directions) were gone for the day, or deaf.... or they must think I was really having a wild sex time in there. All that screaming and grunting....
“No! No! Yes! Unh! UNH ! Argh! Y e s, yes, oh YESSSS..... FINALLY !!! (puff, puff, puff).”
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Anyway, stop laughing at me, and please pray that I can get that chair repaired, and that it won't be terribly expensive.
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Oh, I missed a point. About an hour after getting back into my chair (the old one, and SO thankful for it), there comes the most horrific and LONG lightning. Many claps of thunder, and really LONG rolling thunder. I've never heard one thunder that lasted so long - like 20 seconds or so !
So then the power goes out ! Remember..... it's a MOTORIZED chair ! FABulous !!!
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