(no subject)
I was forced to make a decision. I thought our relationship was getting worse and worse. When he's gone he doesn't feel real. We were losing touch. We were arguing over nothing on the phone. We weren't talking about our problems, just when we got mad, that person would end the conversation. Jonny kept saying that if I stayed in the relationship and wasn't feeling it, that would hurt him worse than if we broke up. I didn't expect to break up that night, it just happened. I made a decision whilst also crying uncontrollably. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't call Jonny enough, he doesn't feel real to me, I never talked to him about stuff. It's all my fault. Sure, he forced me to make a decision, but he wasn't expecting that answer. I don't want to hurt him. I love him. I never want to hurt him. But I did. I hurt him. He's still hurting. He emailed me saying that he thought it better he not talk to me so that he doesn't get bitter and hate me. This hurt a lot, but I thought, hey, you did this, you have to take the consequences. Then he said he shouldn't have let me make the decision, that he should have tried to keep us together. If I wasn't forced into saying I thought the relationship was only going to get worse, we would probably still be together. But would we just delay the sadness? I feel like it was going to happen, he said he thought it was going to happen eventually. I don't know if I ever really really thought it was going to happen till it did. I thought I couldn't make a decision about anything until he gets back into town, but then last night I got some confusing emails. I don't know what to do. I still feel like it would only get worse. If we got back together, it would probably be good for a little while, or not good, I don't know, but then what? We'd still be far apart, and I can't take it. I'm weak apparently. I hate this. I hate myself. I'm a fuckhead.
I thought about not writing anything on xanga or LJ or anything, but I look like a cold bitch who just dumped him if I do that. Maybe I am just a cold bitch. Last time we broke up I lost 10 lbs in a week. I've lost 13 lbs in the last few weeks, because it hasn't been real for a while. I want to hurt myself, but I won't. I'd be so easy. I didn't go to school today. I didn't get out of bed until 3. Why am I saying all this? Why does it matter.
I thought about not writing anything on xanga or LJ or anything, but I look like a cold bitch who just dumped him if I do that. Maybe I am just a cold bitch. Last time we broke up I lost 10 lbs in a week. I've lost 13 lbs in the last few weeks, because it hasn't been real for a while. I want to hurt myself, but I won't. I'd be so easy. I didn't go to school today. I didn't get out of bed until 3. Why am I saying all this? Why does it matter.