(no subject)
and somewhere along the line you realize
that the things that were important to you back when...
were important
and this bullshit parents feed us about
"it may seem like the world now but down the road it won't matter"
truly is bullshit
because it did matter
it did envoke feeling
feelings that stay with you forever
and I am living my life for now
trying to pick myself back up
for once accepting help from others as well
but when I think about this summer, I wouldn't trade anything that happened for the world.
Things, tangible items come and go, and get stolen
but life happened, and it cannot be changed or altered
Right now life is such a high/low type of situation
realizing how good of friends I have and the support behind me is amazing
but I live my life on everyone else's schedule except mine
and I am tired, very tired
and feeling nostalgic of easier times.
Because I finally, truly, completely think I have figured my self out
and the person everyone, well most people see me as and who I actually am, are pretty much the same person
and that is all I ever wanted.
and now with all I know and have learned...
the yearning shall begin
not for something that I con control
but for someone to share it all with.
[so maybe we must agree to disagree, about the carbon in our bones
but we sure will build tall our glass houses, as we collect our stones]
I have been writing a lot and I think its all starting to make sense when I accept that my inspiration, is also my goal.
I feel very Richard Brautigan-esque when I type this but....
I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago.
The way I think of you or us as very similar to my complete understanding of the Civil War.
Two super powers, with all the nuclear amo in the world to cause devistation upon each other
You are Russia, not because I'd say I won or anything, or you fell apart, or anything like the actual outcome of the war
Honestly, I do not know why but you are Russia.
Then as I was explaining this I realized I was explaining us, not you.
So I tried again and I finally ended up describing you a book I read as a child.
I think it was called Holly and Ivy or something, but title doesn't matter
It was a story about a young orphan girl during holiday time who was overlooked in the orphanage, and not given a home to stay at during the holidays so she had to go to an infants orphange for the duration.
On the trip to the orphanage, the is a strange occurance where the train malfunctions and
the illuminated welcome sign no longer reads MILL VALLEY but instead reads I V Y, the girl's name.
She takes this as a sign that she has to get off and wonder the town.
The story switches to a scene in a toy shop window with a little doll named Holly
being insulted by a stuffed owl, telling her nobody is going to want her a Christmas present.
Some where along the way, Ivy sees Holly in the store window and falls in love but has no money to buy her
A good deed is done out of true innocence, (Ivy finds and returns a lost pair of the toy shop keys) and
gives Ivy the doll she loved.
And that is how I saw you, you were my Mill Valley, my sign, my beautiful but unwanted doll in a glass toy store window
that I could only obtain through true, pure, innocent love.
We were two unwanted, forgotten things who found each other, and learned each other's worth.
http://brautigan.cybernetic-meadows.net/tiki-index.php?page=I%20Was%20Trying%20to%20Describe%20You%20to%20Someone
"and that's how you look to me"