CHRONICLES OF A LOST LIFE
as a child, never did i expect to miss a lifestyle i once had. i never expected to even have more than one lifestyle. I never expected to have changed this much. So what happened? where did i make the wrong turn? What had left me so listless and yearning in a way i could have never imagined?
when i was in third grade, my favorite hobbies were reading, writing and drawing. This trend continued until sophomore year, when it was still true. But around that time, i became invested in different subjects, one of which being Livejournal, another Myspace which evolved into Facebook. i became more interested in bands and music, mostly just collected knowledge that can be found so instantly on these sites. like a fix. i was obsessed. i still am obsessed. But it has changed from music to movies. From performers to actors. but it's still the same obsession.
I miss reading. I miss everything i used to do. I miss that old life, that old me. I tell myself i will come home and read or draw. And even on the off chances that i actually follow through, i still feel that tug to go on the computer, the need to check something, facebook, livejournal, whatever. It's an addiction, something that is always present, no matter what i do and i hate it.
i have this addictive personality, this desire to collect and to save or hoard. I want knowledge or beauty or emotion, but in a form that can be manipulated or saved, an image, a video, a song. I want to have these possessions and i want to keep them. But eventually, they all grow old to me. It's so pointless. I had thousands of pictures from my Fueled By Ramen phase that i simply deleted on New Years Day. all that time, wasted. All this time, wasted. All my time, wasted. Always. How can i ever accomplish anything if i can never accomplish anything?
There are drug addicts who recover. They stop using and they get clean. They do this to claim their life back. But for the rest of their life, they know the joy and euphoria of using. They know how easy it is or where to get it. This information will never leave them and they will always want to use again. The only way to prevent themselves from relapsing is to never, ever use. Even alcoholics can relapse into binge drinking after a taste of wine. So what about computer addicts? What about me? i know of this quick fix, how to get it, where to find it. I deleted my tumblr but that changed nothing. All that changed was the newfound presence of an empty space on my toolbar, one that left me aimless and bored. Should i cut everything off? I couldn't possibly.
Why can't i become addicted to something productive like getting good grades or writing best selling novels.
life would be so much easier.
when i was in third grade, my favorite hobbies were reading, writing and drawing. This trend continued until sophomore year, when it was still true. But around that time, i became invested in different subjects, one of which being Livejournal, another Myspace which evolved into Facebook. i became more interested in bands and music, mostly just collected knowledge that can be found so instantly on these sites. like a fix. i was obsessed. i still am obsessed. But it has changed from music to movies. From performers to actors. but it's still the same obsession.
I miss reading. I miss everything i used to do. I miss that old life, that old me. I tell myself i will come home and read or draw. And even on the off chances that i actually follow through, i still feel that tug to go on the computer, the need to check something, facebook, livejournal, whatever. It's an addiction, something that is always present, no matter what i do and i hate it.
i have this addictive personality, this desire to collect and to save or hoard. I want knowledge or beauty or emotion, but in a form that can be manipulated or saved, an image, a video, a song. I want to have these possessions and i want to keep them. But eventually, they all grow old to me. It's so pointless. I had thousands of pictures from my Fueled By Ramen phase that i simply deleted on New Years Day. all that time, wasted. All this time, wasted. All my time, wasted. Always. How can i ever accomplish anything if i can never accomplish anything?
There are drug addicts who recover. They stop using and they get clean. They do this to claim their life back. But for the rest of their life, they know the joy and euphoria of using. They know how easy it is or where to get it. This information will never leave them and they will always want to use again. The only way to prevent themselves from relapsing is to never, ever use. Even alcoholics can relapse into binge drinking after a taste of wine. So what about computer addicts? What about me? i know of this quick fix, how to get it, where to find it. I deleted my tumblr but that changed nothing. All that changed was the newfound presence of an empty space on my toolbar, one that left me aimless and bored. Should i cut everything off? I couldn't possibly.
Why can't i become addicted to something productive like getting good grades or writing best selling novels.
life would be so much easier.