"YOU SOUND LIKE SAM."
Everyone in the world always has that one friend. She's the friend that everyone hates but no one is mean enough to tell her.
Well i had that friend and in a moment of complete honestly, i was the person who was mean enough to tell her. But i did it out of kindness and we were supposed to remain friends afterwards. but we haven't spoken since. and that was in August.
I've posted posts complaining about how my friends hate me or how I don't communicate. I'm not one to make up excuses, but I feel that this event is one reason for why this is.
I feel like it's time this is all put in words.
Sam was that friend. she is self centered, loud, dramatic. a typical high school girl. but even though she was easily annoying beyond words, she was also, often, fun to be around, had some interesting points to make and very similar to myself. I'm not going to lie, we had out moments. she was hard to take sometimes. i had even written a paper about her shenanigans for english. but besides kimmi, she was my only other friend. she was the only person i could talk to about kimmi and kevin. She was the only person who had time for me sometimes. and i was the last people who had tolerance for her.
it happened on a chilly day at the end of the summer. the three of us went to the mall. me, sam and kimmi. i was faking annoyance for kimmi and feigning interest for sam. i have brief moments of sympathy for most people in this world and i felt bad for sam because kimmi was acting up. she was probably listening to her iPod and not really listening to either of us talk. within an hour or two, she was picked up by her parents, leaving sam and i alone.
we went to Lazy Dog to get dinner. We ate outside though it was cold. we split the usual sandwich and we began to talk. i'm not EXACTLY sure now how the topic came up, but it all came down to the defining question.
"Should i even sit with you guys at lunch on the first day of school?" she asked.
being in high school, this is quite a social dilemma. since we were on good terms at the time, i didn't want to hurt her feelings because i could tell this was already a sore subject.
"Well... i don't know... maybe try the first day or two..."
but she stopped me. she wanted to know. seriously. honestly. personally, i was horrorstruck. here was my only other friend in the world and she was about to leave the group of friends, leaving me to straddle a fine line of mutiny and loyalty.
"Honestly. probably not."
of course these are not the exact dialogue, but it makes the same point. i told her the truth. kimmi felt alienated and impatient towards sam. her original best friend, another girl in our lunch girl, had already excommunicated her and the other girls just barely tolerated her. sam was now losing not just one more friend, but an either group of girls. she was finding out for the first time that they all hated her.
we were done eating. we were both shivering in the cold. Though it was dim out, sam put on her sunglasses. i assumed she was crying. i told her i had her back. she doesn't have to talk to the other girls, but she can talk to me. i am still her friend. that was in august.
we haven't spoken since.
after that evening, i went home, and though i was sad for sam, i felt triumphant in the fact that the other girls would be relieved. i called kimmi and told her the news. kimmi didn't take it well. she questioned my loyalty to her and said she felt as though her privacy had been violated. i don't want to put in words all the things we fought about for the next few days or all the hours i spent crying over what may have been the choice of the wrong friend.
and i still question my choice to this day. to this very moment in fact. sure, spending too much time with sam caused me to be irritable and sarcastic, but sometimes a person needs someone else. since that day, i wonder if kimmi still hates me and keeps things from me. i wonder if the other girls hate me because they all were angry as well. i thought i was doing a good deed for everyone when instead i just became more isolated. one day when i was sick and decided not to go ice skating with the group, kimmi later told me they had joked i was ditching them to see sam. being sick and probably on my period, i took great offense. kimmi didn't understand why, though i'm sure had she been in the same position, she would be just as pissed.
and now, i've been wondering about sam more and more. i don't see much happening on her facebook wall and i almost never see her around school. whenever i go shopping, i always think of how much fun we used to have. i miss her. kimmi still hates her and looks peeved when i mention her, but i still wonder...
winter break is coming up. if kimmi isn't done with kevin by then, i will, most likely, be all on my own. i don't do well on my own in the winter. i have issues with isolation when the weather is like this. i've been thinking that i might give her a call or message her on facebook. and even if i do tell kimmi, it'll be so i'm not completely dependent on one person.
but then again, i might not.
i hope not all the ties have been severed. maybe we can still see each other in college. maybe we can still talk.
maybe i can still tell her i'm sorry i miss her and that i hope she is okay and i hope she has a good 18th birthday.
maybe i can still have that one other friend.
EDIT: now, checking facebook, i see i don't have her listed as a friend. then, searching for her name, it's not found. either she's deleted her facebook for some reason or she deleted and blocked me.
i have no words to express my disappointment and regret.
Well i had that friend and in a moment of complete honestly, i was the person who was mean enough to tell her. But i did it out of kindness and we were supposed to remain friends afterwards. but we haven't spoken since. and that was in August.
I've posted posts complaining about how my friends hate me or how I don't communicate. I'm not one to make up excuses, but I feel that this event is one reason for why this is.
I feel like it's time this is all put in words.
Sam was that friend. she is self centered, loud, dramatic. a typical high school girl. but even though she was easily annoying beyond words, she was also, often, fun to be around, had some interesting points to make and very similar to myself. I'm not going to lie, we had out moments. she was hard to take sometimes. i had even written a paper about her shenanigans for english. but besides kimmi, she was my only other friend. she was the only person i could talk to about kimmi and kevin. She was the only person who had time for me sometimes. and i was the last people who had tolerance for her.
it happened on a chilly day at the end of the summer. the three of us went to the mall. me, sam and kimmi. i was faking annoyance for kimmi and feigning interest for sam. i have brief moments of sympathy for most people in this world and i felt bad for sam because kimmi was acting up. she was probably listening to her iPod and not really listening to either of us talk. within an hour or two, she was picked up by her parents, leaving sam and i alone.
we went to Lazy Dog to get dinner. We ate outside though it was cold. we split the usual sandwich and we began to talk. i'm not EXACTLY sure now how the topic came up, but it all came down to the defining question.
"Should i even sit with you guys at lunch on the first day of school?" she asked.
being in high school, this is quite a social dilemma. since we were on good terms at the time, i didn't want to hurt her feelings because i could tell this was already a sore subject.
"Well... i don't know... maybe try the first day or two..."
but she stopped me. she wanted to know. seriously. honestly. personally, i was horrorstruck. here was my only other friend in the world and she was about to leave the group of friends, leaving me to straddle a fine line of mutiny and loyalty.
"Honestly. probably not."
of course these are not the exact dialogue, but it makes the same point. i told her the truth. kimmi felt alienated and impatient towards sam. her original best friend, another girl in our lunch girl, had already excommunicated her and the other girls just barely tolerated her. sam was now losing not just one more friend, but an either group of girls. she was finding out for the first time that they all hated her.
we were done eating. we were both shivering in the cold. Though it was dim out, sam put on her sunglasses. i assumed she was crying. i told her i had her back. she doesn't have to talk to the other girls, but she can talk to me. i am still her friend. that was in august.
we haven't spoken since.
after that evening, i went home, and though i was sad for sam, i felt triumphant in the fact that the other girls would be relieved. i called kimmi and told her the news. kimmi didn't take it well. she questioned my loyalty to her and said she felt as though her privacy had been violated. i don't want to put in words all the things we fought about for the next few days or all the hours i spent crying over what may have been the choice of the wrong friend.
and i still question my choice to this day. to this very moment in fact. sure, spending too much time with sam caused me to be irritable and sarcastic, but sometimes a person needs someone else. since that day, i wonder if kimmi still hates me and keeps things from me. i wonder if the other girls hate me because they all were angry as well. i thought i was doing a good deed for everyone when instead i just became more isolated. one day when i was sick and decided not to go ice skating with the group, kimmi later told me they had joked i was ditching them to see sam. being sick and probably on my period, i took great offense. kimmi didn't understand why, though i'm sure had she been in the same position, she would be just as pissed.
and now, i've been wondering about sam more and more. i don't see much happening on her facebook wall and i almost never see her around school. whenever i go shopping, i always think of how much fun we used to have. i miss her. kimmi still hates her and looks peeved when i mention her, but i still wonder...
winter break is coming up. if kimmi isn't done with kevin by then, i will, most likely, be all on my own. i don't do well on my own in the winter. i have issues with isolation when the weather is like this. i've been thinking that i might give her a call or message her on facebook. and even if i do tell kimmi, it'll be so i'm not completely dependent on one person.
but then again, i might not.
i hope not all the ties have been severed. maybe we can still see each other in college. maybe we can still talk.
maybe i can still tell her i'm sorry i miss her and that i hope she is okay and i hope she has a good 18th birthday.
maybe i can still have that one other friend.
EDIT: now, checking facebook, i see i don't have her listed as a friend. then, searching for her name, it's not found. either she's deleted her facebook for some reason or she deleted and blocked me.
i have no words to express my disappointment and regret.