i had a bad day today. i posted this on babycenter's bulletin board
we had our first baby on dec. 1, 2006. he was diagnosed with a diaphragmatic hernia at 20 wks gestation. we thought he would have the surgery and he would be better.
unfortunately, the ultrasounds didn't catch that he also had a laundry list of things wrong with his brain development. they believe now that it was a stroke in his first trimester that caused all of it, but they're not ruling out genetic problems.
so we had to take our son off life support on january 14. we held his sweet little body while he died. my husband and i are just devastated, even though we know our little guy is so much happier free from the body he was in. our precious boy didn't get held for the first 3 weeks of his life. i couldn't do anything to stop his pain except let him go.
and now that i've had one normal period, i'm ready to try again. we want a baby now more than ever. it's a promise of new life. but i'm terrified down to my toes of being pregnant again. the last time was such a rollercoaster of stress and anxiety and terror. i just get paranoid trying to figure out how the majority of babies are born perfectly normal when there's so many things that can go wrong. i don't even know how i'll be able to stand the anxiety.
i just miss my son so much. i can still feel his warm head of hair on my lips. and i can still smell his sweet little skin. i can feel his chubby little hand in mine, his perfectly tiny little fingers with perfectly tiny little knuckles. and i know that his spirit is free now from the body that couldn't give him a good life. but his body is the hardest to let go of. i miss his body. i miss the few times i got to hold him. i miss his little double chins and his big intense eyes. it just devastates me to know that there's a part of me, that i made, laying in a morgue. i had this ticker on my myspace page. it was counting the days jonah was alive. now i changed it to say "jonah would be..."
there's just this part of me that looks at women who've had a healthy baby and i wonder how the hell they managed to do it. and i know i couldn't have prevented what happened to my boy, but i can't help it. i wonder why this had to be my first experience with pregnancy and childbirth. i have nothing to compare it to.
sometimes, when i'm feeling really dark, i feel it's so unfair. i get mad at women who didn't even want a baby getting a healthy happy little tyke to bring home from the hospital. we wanted this baby SO much. nothing could have made us happier. and everyone kept telling us what good parents we were. but i don't even feel like a mom anymore. and i never REALLY felt like a mom when i had him here, either. because i never got to do any of the tiny things that make you a mom like carry him around the house, shush him and calm him in the middle of the night when he was crying, i never got to breastfeed or see him smile at me.
so my son is gone. and i want to have another one but i'm scared because now i feel like there's so many things that can go wrong when a baby is growing inside of me, how will i EVER have a normal baby experience??
today's one of the bad days.
becky
unfortunately, the ultrasounds didn't catch that he also had a laundry list of things wrong with his brain development. they believe now that it was a stroke in his first trimester that caused all of it, but they're not ruling out genetic problems.
so we had to take our son off life support on january 14. we held his sweet little body while he died. my husband and i are just devastated, even though we know our little guy is so much happier free from the body he was in. our precious boy didn't get held for the first 3 weeks of his life. i couldn't do anything to stop his pain except let him go.
and now that i've had one normal period, i'm ready to try again. we want a baby now more than ever. it's a promise of new life. but i'm terrified down to my toes of being pregnant again. the last time was such a rollercoaster of stress and anxiety and terror. i just get paranoid trying to figure out how the majority of babies are born perfectly normal when there's so many things that can go wrong. i don't even know how i'll be able to stand the anxiety.
i just miss my son so much. i can still feel his warm head of hair on my lips. and i can still smell his sweet little skin. i can feel his chubby little hand in mine, his perfectly tiny little fingers with perfectly tiny little knuckles. and i know that his spirit is free now from the body that couldn't give him a good life. but his body is the hardest to let go of. i miss his body. i miss the few times i got to hold him. i miss his little double chins and his big intense eyes. it just devastates me to know that there's a part of me, that i made, laying in a morgue. i had this ticker on my myspace page. it was counting the days jonah was alive. now i changed it to say "jonah would be..."
there's just this part of me that looks at women who've had a healthy baby and i wonder how the hell they managed to do it. and i know i couldn't have prevented what happened to my boy, but i can't help it. i wonder why this had to be my first experience with pregnancy and childbirth. i have nothing to compare it to.
sometimes, when i'm feeling really dark, i feel it's so unfair. i get mad at women who didn't even want a baby getting a healthy happy little tyke to bring home from the hospital. we wanted this baby SO much. nothing could have made us happier. and everyone kept telling us what good parents we were. but i don't even feel like a mom anymore. and i never REALLY felt like a mom when i had him here, either. because i never got to do any of the tiny things that make you a mom like carry him around the house, shush him and calm him in the middle of the night when he was crying, i never got to breastfeed or see him smile at me.
so my son is gone. and i want to have another one but i'm scared because now i feel like there's so many things that can go wrong when a baby is growing inside of me, how will i EVER have a normal baby experience??
today's one of the bad days.
becky