Tell me what do they want from..
Can you help me... does anybody feel me... can you even see me?
Okies this is going to be one of those very short posts, i think.... unless somehow i finally feel like talking and writing... I would feel grateful if i do...
The reason i haven't been posting lately is because i have ben back and forth between shock depression and severe agitation.. and that doesn't make for a very pleasant post or read...
I haven't spoken much to anyone unless they saw me during one of the days at my place... I generally either stay in my room or go out on the back patio drinking coffee and speaking with Randy....
I have been dealing with alot of blows to my emotions lately... not to mention my sense of security... So please don't be angry with me for not going out of my way to contact he "outside world"
Besides i've always figured if i have a strong suspicion that what i say will cause an argument or harsh words i should refrain from saying it...
It looks like this post will be longer than i thought..
My life is soo screwed.. I am in all kinds of shit that i want nothing to do with.. i can't keep from crying when i finally am semi-alone... i'm usually crying by sunrise, but that doesn't matter too much.. it's frequency is the only thing that worries me att he moment..
I sometimes wonder if i should pick up and leave again.. it might make everything easier...
I'm all kinds of fucked up and one of my best friends is irritated with me because i've failed to comment upon one of her major decisions...or atleast thats what i gather from the little i know about the situation... How am i to blame for not supporting her when i've no said anything against it either... damnit there is not way to break even huh?
*switches song form Split persoanity to faithless by injeced...*
How am i supposed to know what to do...
Oh and for all of you who give a shit... I've not seen Alex in quite some time.. considering... It's been atleast two to three weeks.... And even if It makes you guys happy...It doesn't sit too well with me..
Damnit i feel a rant coming on... Don't hate me for what i am about to say....
Who in the fuck gave you the right to even think you could have a say in the approval of who i choose to associate with?!... I don't honestly give a flying fuck if it was Diana or Hekate themselves... Its none of your damned bussiness who i choose to sleep with IF i do... not to mention that as much as i want you guys in my life i will not choose between you all...or no wait, i can't say that for sure...
It pisses me off when you try to do shit like that... you want ot protect me then tell me how you feel... then let me make my own damned decision... don't even try and give me the "I don't want to see you get hurt " bullshit then turn around and hurt me your-own-damned-self...
Did you know that it hurts me when i stay up night after night mulling over things.. trying to figure out what to do and how i can make you guys happy while still retaining some bit of happiness for myself? I can't do it...
I don't want to have to choose... Please don't make me.. cause either decision will make me unhappy... and you can't ask me which is the lesser of the two evils so to speak cuz i don't know...
And for the love of the goddess and her consort... if i ask you to stop something more than seven times i think it means stop... those of you who been privy to the multiples of asking should know who you are.. if you cannot associate with me in a manner that consists of not trying to torture me or feed into any major issue of mine, then you really should just leave me alone.... I'm so burnt out and have been lately... I really don't want ot have to deal with it anymore.. if thats all you have to offer.. then i want none of it..
I'm really sorry for saying all of this... Sorry that i have to say it, and why....But not for my Reasoning...
I can't handle alot of unstability right now... maybe when you met me i could.. but i cannot right now and i'm doing everything i can to hang on...Even if that means burning bridges..
And even though i was debating and even half tempted to give up seeing Alex permamnetly, I've decided i WILL NOT....
So sorry and i know i'm "not goign to like it" when my dealine is up... so on saturday and beyond since that was the deadline, i appaerntly will be very very sad or dissapointed or whatever... But i cannot let someone make me that stressed or unhappy......Which is wha i've been... from the time that i made the decision to walk away from Alex permanently to the time i recanted that conviction... to my making this public announcement... I am STRESSED.... And i don't give a shit who you are and what you try to offer me or threaten me with.. i refuse to be put through that shit for long...
I'm sorry...But i've made a mistake like that before and i still regrett it.. so why would i knowingly do it again..
I'm sorry but no....
I will accept the consequences of my reaction to this ultimatum...
I feel horrible.. either way someones unhappy...someone looses....I wish that didn't happen..
I'm going... and don't expect too many posts... if i am on the somp longer than the time it takes to check my e-mail i'll be suprised.... Comment or e-mail me... either way it gets sent to my e-mail.... otherwise you have to call me if you want to bitch at me.... I promise to listen... but thats all i promise..
Oh and fernie.. i saw fernie... missed him... but i saw him.. and he misses me too...
*huggles to all those who will accept them after this post.... *
*walks away, turning off the lights and shutting the door on the way out..*
Okies this is going to be one of those very short posts, i think.... unless somehow i finally feel like talking and writing... I would feel grateful if i do...
The reason i haven't been posting lately is because i have ben back and forth between shock depression and severe agitation.. and that doesn't make for a very pleasant post or read...
I haven't spoken much to anyone unless they saw me during one of the days at my place... I generally either stay in my room or go out on the back patio drinking coffee and speaking with Randy....
I have been dealing with alot of blows to my emotions lately... not to mention my sense of security... So please don't be angry with me for not going out of my way to contact he "outside world"
Besides i've always figured if i have a strong suspicion that what i say will cause an argument or harsh words i should refrain from saying it...
It looks like this post will be longer than i thought..
My life is soo screwed.. I am in all kinds of shit that i want nothing to do with.. i can't keep from crying when i finally am semi-alone... i'm usually crying by sunrise, but that doesn't matter too much.. it's frequency is the only thing that worries me att he moment..
I sometimes wonder if i should pick up and leave again.. it might make everything easier...
I'm all kinds of fucked up and one of my best friends is irritated with me because i've failed to comment upon one of her major decisions...or atleast thats what i gather from the little i know about the situation... How am i to blame for not supporting her when i've no said anything against it either... damnit there is not way to break even huh?
*switches song form Split persoanity to faithless by injeced...*
How am i supposed to know what to do...
Oh and for all of you who give a shit... I've not seen Alex in quite some time.. considering... It's been atleast two to three weeks.... And even if It makes you guys happy...It doesn't sit too well with me..
Damnit i feel a rant coming on... Don't hate me for what i am about to say....
Who in the fuck gave you the right to even think you could have a say in the approval of who i choose to associate with?!... I don't honestly give a flying fuck if it was Diana or Hekate themselves... Its none of your damned bussiness who i choose to sleep with IF i do... not to mention that as much as i want you guys in my life i will not choose between you all...or no wait, i can't say that for sure...
It pisses me off when you try to do shit like that... you want ot protect me then tell me how you feel... then let me make my own damned decision... don't even try and give me the "I don't want to see you get hurt " bullshit then turn around and hurt me your-own-damned-self...
Did you know that it hurts me when i stay up night after night mulling over things.. trying to figure out what to do and how i can make you guys happy while still retaining some bit of happiness for myself? I can't do it...
I don't want to have to choose... Please don't make me.. cause either decision will make me unhappy... and you can't ask me which is the lesser of the two evils so to speak cuz i don't know...
And for the love of the goddess and her consort... if i ask you to stop something more than seven times i think it means stop... those of you who been privy to the multiples of asking should know who you are.. if you cannot associate with me in a manner that consists of not trying to torture me or feed into any major issue of mine, then you really should just leave me alone.... I'm so burnt out and have been lately... I really don't want ot have to deal with it anymore.. if thats all you have to offer.. then i want none of it..
I'm really sorry for saying all of this... Sorry that i have to say it, and why....But not for my Reasoning...
I can't handle alot of unstability right now... maybe when you met me i could.. but i cannot right now and i'm doing everything i can to hang on...Even if that means burning bridges..
And even though i was debating and even half tempted to give up seeing Alex permamnetly, I've decided i WILL NOT....
So sorry and i know i'm "not goign to like it" when my dealine is up... so on saturday and beyond since that was the deadline, i appaerntly will be very very sad or dissapointed or whatever... But i cannot let someone make me that stressed or unhappy......Which is wha i've been... from the time that i made the decision to walk away from Alex permanently to the time i recanted that conviction... to my making this public announcement... I am STRESSED.... And i don't give a shit who you are and what you try to offer me or threaten me with.. i refuse to be put through that shit for long...
I'm sorry...But i've made a mistake like that before and i still regrett it.. so why would i knowingly do it again..
I'm sorry but no....
I will accept the consequences of my reaction to this ultimatum...
I feel horrible.. either way someones unhappy...someone looses....I wish that didn't happen..
I'm going... and don't expect too many posts... if i am on the somp longer than the time it takes to check my e-mail i'll be suprised.... Comment or e-mail me... either way it gets sent to my e-mail.... otherwise you have to call me if you want to bitch at me.... I promise to listen... but thats all i promise..
Oh and fernie.. i saw fernie... missed him... but i saw him.. and he misses me too...
*huggles to all those who will accept them after this post.... *
*walks away, turning off the lights and shutting the door on the way out..*