Angel of music....Sing for me
Today is one of the most profoundly depressing days of my life...
Why couldn't i have just stay focused on the little mail icon like normal... but the computer was slow at work so i glanced down as the page was loading and saw the headline "Tsunami death tolls rise"...
I sort of ignored it the first time i saw it... the second time I read the title completely and had a chance to take it in fully.. but i continued to go onto my e-mail anyways... debating on whether or not i wanted to read about the dark side of the ocean...
I love the ocean and both have a healthy fear and respect for it, but could i resist? at that point i had decided i could....
The third time i saw it i resolved to read it... but my break was fast ending so i just signed off and went back to my cubicle.....
but now i am home... and have read sevral handy articles about the tsunami that has devastated 9 countries with its wrath...
the last printed less than 25 minutes ago.... it's gottent o the point where i'm reading about the same stuff over and over again with touches of personal tragedies thrown in to taste... mass graves and watery ones too, bodies rotting because of the heat... bloatted boddies littering the shorlines and many still in their swim attire....They never saw it coming, the water drew away from the shore leaving fish flopping around helpless then BAM! a wall of water 20ft high rip babies from their families arms and drags many out to sea while unforgivingly crushing and drowning others....
whole villages were sunk and or washed out and away...
I feel with a deep sorrow for the victims who cannot find a place to bury their loved ones... many have been forced to either burn them or bury them in mass graves.... (hundreds of children were buried this way ) and after shocks and waves are expected until tuesday...
i hurt and ache spiritually... i feel as if i've been dealt a blow that cannot be combatted because how can one fight nature? nature will always win out.. even if it takes longer than one might expect, nature will always find a way...
As the sun rises this morning i so choose to bury myself under my cover and try to sleep off this nightmare... if i can sleep at all.... though crying usually wears me out... and i was already exhausted to begin with.. so it shouldn't be long.... atleast i would hope it won't be long....
I have no idea how else to cope with this...I need to just sleep on it.... dreams no matter how fucked up are just that, dreams... they don't mean much unless they're prophetic.... ok i don't really mean that... dreams mean alot.. but right now i would take one of my worst nightmares to dealing with this... and try not to ask me if i am ok.. because even though I AM NOT, i refuse to tell anyone that to their ear/face... i will say what i always do when i'm uncomfortable and feel put on the spot... "I'm f.i.n.e." and notice i spelled fine as if it's the acronym... thats because it is the way i am intending it... If i ever say i am okay and then say i am fine... its cuz i'm Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional... a normal state of being for me...
it's just today i feel it a little more intesely than most days....
this too shall pass... it always does; or is that just me burying the hatchet? i have no way of knowing.. maybe it "passes" because i retreat from reality and embed myself in denile.....
whatever i don't care as long as the inteseness of all this wears off i don't give a shit how it happens...
on a bright note I didn't let the white candle go out without the other one being lit... i'm proud of myself for having the foresight to know that the candle would burn out before i got back from work... so i lit the new one....
Low and behold when i came home the old one had extinguished itself and the new one was burning brightly....
i think i shall paint the roof paisley... detachment is goood... maybe not psychologically healthy... but i have no choice.. anything else and i don't know if i can deal... atleast i'm not making a gamble with detachment... i know the outcome of that... or atleast i think i do....
I don't want to eat breakfast this morning...and my body is waaaay to tense... but i guess thats part of life.... I need a maseuse... any takers? i guess not... but yeah. A shower, yes.. that's what i'll do.. that way i can sleep until 9 30 if the goddess so graces me with the privilage....
I want to call someone, but i don't want to speak...i just want to listen... but no thats not the way a phone works.. besides human contact is bad it is evil... it puts you on display...i don't want to be on display today, no, not today or tonight or the next day... never....never again.
I will not go through all that again...
i want never to know the news disasters or catastrophies....i think that i shall have to speak with john today though...you know just to say goodbye... it's not nice to constantly aggrivate someone because you are paranoid they'll get hurt... if they choose to heavy fight.. their choice...they want to go to india fine...if the refuse to live in LA or in Mexico for a short period of time.......they have every right... and i've no right to ask anything of anyone. Or to be overprotective and steifling... no roght to smother the embers that could have turned to flames..... damn me for being such an ass...
the separation anxiety is going to suck though... i already know this.. yet i'm going to do it anyways how fucked up is that? either way it's masochistic what kind of shit is all this?!!!! I HATE THIS I HATE IT ALLL
Fucking A!!!
GODDESS DAMN IT ALLL!!!!
GRRRRRRRR!!!!
THERE IS NOTHING RIGHT NOW... I just need to go and calm down or something... damnit... i wish i had some rumplemints or margaritas... tequila ish good people; live it, learn it, love it...
"LEave me alone, forget all you've seen... don't let them see you.... Go no, go now and leave me" (oveture plays in the background)
i'm paingint my nails today... and heavy heavy make up... oh you bet your sweet asss... mounds of it...
you wouldn't know me if you saw me... and thats exactly the point...anonymity has its virtues you know... i need a good book, and a movies and music... more clothes too... i need to go shopping... tomorrow.. yes tomorrow i will call a cab and go shopping... i think... or maybe just stay in.... either way it doesn't matter.. noen of it matters.. i know rationally that i feel the need to shop because i'm upset... this i know.. but it;s hard to back off of the mentality that if i just find the perfect disc or page or movie, it will all go away... and it does for the duration of the book, cd, or movie.. cuz i can throw myself into things like that.. but just how far can i get before it ends and i'm harshly rejected and thrown back into "real life" though what's so real about it?
everywhere i go everything is so fake... hell i'm even fake.. how can i be real... i don't even know who i am half the time until after i've expirienced the "moment" then i realize: "hey i was me, for that breif moment in time" and then i realize yet again that just like everything else is fleeting... i hate this i hate it i hate it i hate it....
I'm going to go crawl into a hole now.. my feet are cold and my bedroom is calling to me... and yes i have just realized that this will probably not make sense to even me when all is said and done.
but do i care? no
FUCK YOU! grrrrr i hate all this shit... I hope a meteor falls on camden and takes out my gorgeous, picturesque little house... with me in it... damned meteor, just my luck it would miss and hit the pond or the river... stupid assed meteors... I hate them right now... and just grrrrr
stupid toes... damned feeet.. stupid jaw with the clenching and shit i have to stop doing that it gives me headaches.. why can't i stop it? i should be able to stop it, it's my damend jaw for goddess-sakes!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO IN HATE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
If i didn't have to work tonight i would scream until i lost my voice.... just scream and cry until i fell down dead.... there's always someting keeping me.. always.... always "one more thing to do" maybe not today... but tomorrow.. i hate this shit..... i hate it all....and i have to cut my nails. i keep scratching myself.. i have a couple net knicks on my hands... stupid nails.. clumsey me.. grrr i'm sooo PISSSED
I HATE ALL OF THIS SHIT I WISH IT WOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?1?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!
DAMN YOU TO WHATEVER HELL YOU SEEK THROUGH YOU'RE IDIOCY GRRRRRRRCH!
Bite me.. hardcore... in the toe....TAKE OFF MY SOCK!
WALKING AWAY NOW!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I just want to be held...
No wait no i don't i don't want anyone near me... i think we're just toxic to eachother's existances.... and ummm i'm humna so self preservation is one of those annoying innate tendancies.... you are gonna die.. just do it without me... i don't want to osee it or hear about it... i don't want to know i don't even what to be hinted to about your impending doom..
I damn you all to hell (or whatever if you do not believe in hell) for being just as mortal as i am... i was supposed to die first not any of you... damnm you all for dying..... YOU LEFT ME!
AS IF I dont have ENOUGH issues without this shit...
FUCK YOU....
YOu don't exist...
you don't exist.. you just don't exist... i can't miss you if you don't exist... i hate you for not existing... but i'm better off because of it... if you don't exist you cannnot hurt me.... you will not hurt me... I WILL RID THE WORLD OF YOU BEFORE I EVER LET YOU HURT ME.....
no more... no fucking more... i cannot and will not deal with any of your bullshite... i have no time for that not.. one by one i will erase you from existance in my mind so that i wil no long be effected by you and the things you say or do...
NONE OF YOU..
you WILL NOT exost.. i refuse ... i refuse damnit
I refuse.
damnit my feet.. damn them to hell if i didn't need them to run away from you bastards on the rare occasion i see any of you face to face i'd cut them off... damn you all to hell...
not enough water in my system... my tears are way too salty.. they burn my eyes and face and make my face feel dry and tight... DIE!!! i hate you alll
damn you all for worming your way into my heart and minds... what the hell is your problem.. don't you know its not nice to tap the fishbowl... the water ampliphies the sound and it hurts.. it hurts... STOP TAPPING THE BOWL!!!! stop tapping the fcuking bowl you gawking bastards...
STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! I hoope you all go blind.... or lose whatever sense you hold DEAR just as i'd hope you'd wish the same upon me.. fair is fair afterall... it's not your faukt i'm upset.. so you shouldn't have to take this lying down.... its not like sex, where someof the most comfortable position consistof you lying on you back sid or whaever... its like walking... you cannot do it while lying down.. you can scoot, but no not walk.
promise me that all you say is true. thats all i ask of you... but were you to say that you would be lieing... damnit my right leg is going numbe up to my calf.. if i wanna make it up the stairs i'm gonna have to start now.. this is bullshite... i've been leaving for lia while now.....
I started this damed thing at 7:49... its not 9:05.. thats bullshite.. i've been typing and venting and shif for an hous and 15 minutes.. and what do i have to show for it? a numb leg... I HATE YOU
Why couldn't i have just stay focused on the little mail icon like normal... but the computer was slow at work so i glanced down as the page was loading and saw the headline "Tsunami death tolls rise"...
I sort of ignored it the first time i saw it... the second time I read the title completely and had a chance to take it in fully.. but i continued to go onto my e-mail anyways... debating on whether or not i wanted to read about the dark side of the ocean...
I love the ocean and both have a healthy fear and respect for it, but could i resist? at that point i had decided i could....
The third time i saw it i resolved to read it... but my break was fast ending so i just signed off and went back to my cubicle.....
but now i am home... and have read sevral handy articles about the tsunami that has devastated 9 countries with its wrath...
the last printed less than 25 minutes ago.... it's gottent o the point where i'm reading about the same stuff over and over again with touches of personal tragedies thrown in to taste... mass graves and watery ones too, bodies rotting because of the heat... bloatted boddies littering the shorlines and many still in their swim attire....They never saw it coming, the water drew away from the shore leaving fish flopping around helpless then BAM! a wall of water 20ft high rip babies from their families arms and drags many out to sea while unforgivingly crushing and drowning others....
whole villages were sunk and or washed out and away...
I feel with a deep sorrow for the victims who cannot find a place to bury their loved ones... many have been forced to either burn them or bury them in mass graves.... (hundreds of children were buried this way ) and after shocks and waves are expected until tuesday...
i hurt and ache spiritually... i feel as if i've been dealt a blow that cannot be combatted because how can one fight nature? nature will always win out.. even if it takes longer than one might expect, nature will always find a way...
As the sun rises this morning i so choose to bury myself under my cover and try to sleep off this nightmare... if i can sleep at all.... though crying usually wears me out... and i was already exhausted to begin with.. so it shouldn't be long.... atleast i would hope it won't be long....
I have no idea how else to cope with this...I need to just sleep on it.... dreams no matter how fucked up are just that, dreams... they don't mean much unless they're prophetic.... ok i don't really mean that... dreams mean alot.. but right now i would take one of my worst nightmares to dealing with this... and try not to ask me if i am ok.. because even though I AM NOT, i refuse to tell anyone that to their ear/face... i will say what i always do when i'm uncomfortable and feel put on the spot... "I'm f.i.n.e." and notice i spelled fine as if it's the acronym... thats because it is the way i am intending it... If i ever say i am okay and then say i am fine... its cuz i'm Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional... a normal state of being for me...
it's just today i feel it a little more intesely than most days....
this too shall pass... it always does; or is that just me burying the hatchet? i have no way of knowing.. maybe it "passes" because i retreat from reality and embed myself in denile.....
whatever i don't care as long as the inteseness of all this wears off i don't give a shit how it happens...
on a bright note I didn't let the white candle go out without the other one being lit... i'm proud of myself for having the foresight to know that the candle would burn out before i got back from work... so i lit the new one....
Low and behold when i came home the old one had extinguished itself and the new one was burning brightly....
i think i shall paint the roof paisley... detachment is goood... maybe not psychologically healthy... but i have no choice.. anything else and i don't know if i can deal... atleast i'm not making a gamble with detachment... i know the outcome of that... or atleast i think i do....
I don't want to eat breakfast this morning...and my body is waaaay to tense... but i guess thats part of life.... I need a maseuse... any takers? i guess not... but yeah. A shower, yes.. that's what i'll do.. that way i can sleep until 9 30 if the goddess so graces me with the privilage....
I want to call someone, but i don't want to speak...i just want to listen... but no thats not the way a phone works.. besides human contact is bad it is evil... it puts you on display...i don't want to be on display today, no, not today or tonight or the next day... never....never again.
I will not go through all that again...
i want never to know the news disasters or catastrophies....i think that i shall have to speak with john today though...you know just to say goodbye... it's not nice to constantly aggrivate someone because you are paranoid they'll get hurt... if they choose to heavy fight.. their choice...they want to go to india fine...if the refuse to live in LA or in Mexico for a short period of time.......they have every right... and i've no right to ask anything of anyone. Or to be overprotective and steifling... no roght to smother the embers that could have turned to flames..... damn me for being such an ass...
the separation anxiety is going to suck though... i already know this.. yet i'm going to do it anyways how fucked up is that? either way it's masochistic what kind of shit is all this?!!!! I HATE THIS I HATE IT ALLL
Fucking A!!!
GODDESS DAMN IT ALLL!!!!
GRRRRRRRR!!!!
THERE IS NOTHING RIGHT NOW... I just need to go and calm down or something... damnit... i wish i had some rumplemints or margaritas... tequila ish good people; live it, learn it, love it...
"LEave me alone, forget all you've seen... don't let them see you.... Go no, go now and leave me" (oveture plays in the background)
i'm paingint my nails today... and heavy heavy make up... oh you bet your sweet asss... mounds of it...
you wouldn't know me if you saw me... and thats exactly the point...anonymity has its virtues you know... i need a good book, and a movies and music... more clothes too... i need to go shopping... tomorrow.. yes tomorrow i will call a cab and go shopping... i think... or maybe just stay in.... either way it doesn't matter.. noen of it matters.. i know rationally that i feel the need to shop because i'm upset... this i know.. but it;s hard to back off of the mentality that if i just find the perfect disc or page or movie, it will all go away... and it does for the duration of the book, cd, or movie.. cuz i can throw myself into things like that.. but just how far can i get before it ends and i'm harshly rejected and thrown back into "real life" though what's so real about it?
everywhere i go everything is so fake... hell i'm even fake.. how can i be real... i don't even know who i am half the time until after i've expirienced the "moment" then i realize: "hey i was me, for that breif moment in time" and then i realize yet again that just like everything else is fleeting... i hate this i hate it i hate it i hate it....
I'm going to go crawl into a hole now.. my feet are cold and my bedroom is calling to me... and yes i have just realized that this will probably not make sense to even me when all is said and done.
but do i care? no
FUCK YOU! grrrrr i hate all this shit... I hope a meteor falls on camden and takes out my gorgeous, picturesque little house... with me in it... damned meteor, just my luck it would miss and hit the pond or the river... stupid assed meteors... I hate them right now... and just grrrrr
stupid toes... damned feeet.. stupid jaw with the clenching and shit i have to stop doing that it gives me headaches.. why can't i stop it? i should be able to stop it, it's my damend jaw for goddess-sakes!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO IN HATE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
If i didn't have to work tonight i would scream until i lost my voice.... just scream and cry until i fell down dead.... there's always someting keeping me.. always.... always "one more thing to do" maybe not today... but tomorrow.. i hate this shit..... i hate it all....and i have to cut my nails. i keep scratching myself.. i have a couple net knicks on my hands... stupid nails.. clumsey me.. grrr i'm sooo PISSSED
I HATE ALL OF THIS SHIT I WISH IT WOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?1?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!
DAMN YOU TO WHATEVER HELL YOU SEEK THROUGH YOU'RE IDIOCY GRRRRRRRCH!
Bite me.. hardcore... in the toe....TAKE OFF MY SOCK!
WALKING AWAY NOW!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I just want to be held...
No wait no i don't i don't want anyone near me... i think we're just toxic to eachother's existances.... and ummm i'm humna so self preservation is one of those annoying innate tendancies.... you are gonna die.. just do it without me... i don't want to osee it or hear about it... i don't want to know i don't even what to be hinted to about your impending doom..
I damn you all to hell (or whatever if you do not believe in hell) for being just as mortal as i am... i was supposed to die first not any of you... damnm you all for dying..... YOU LEFT ME!
AS IF I dont have ENOUGH issues without this shit...
FUCK YOU....
YOu don't exist...
you don't exist.. you just don't exist... i can't miss you if you don't exist... i hate you for not existing... but i'm better off because of it... if you don't exist you cannnot hurt me.... you will not hurt me... I WILL RID THE WORLD OF YOU BEFORE I EVER LET YOU HURT ME.....
no more... no fucking more... i cannot and will not deal with any of your bullshite... i have no time for that not.. one by one i will erase you from existance in my mind so that i wil no long be effected by you and the things you say or do...
NONE OF YOU..
you WILL NOT exost.. i refuse ... i refuse damnit
I refuse.
damnit my feet.. damn them to hell if i didn't need them to run away from you bastards on the rare occasion i see any of you face to face i'd cut them off... damn you all to hell...
not enough water in my system... my tears are way too salty.. they burn my eyes and face and make my face feel dry and tight... DIE!!! i hate you alll
damn you all for worming your way into my heart and minds... what the hell is your problem.. don't you know its not nice to tap the fishbowl... the water ampliphies the sound and it hurts.. it hurts... STOP TAPPING THE BOWL!!!! stop tapping the fcuking bowl you gawking bastards...
STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! I hoope you all go blind.... or lose whatever sense you hold DEAR just as i'd hope you'd wish the same upon me.. fair is fair afterall... it's not your faukt i'm upset.. so you shouldn't have to take this lying down.... its not like sex, where someof the most comfortable position consistof you lying on you back sid or whaever... its like walking... you cannot do it while lying down.. you can scoot, but no not walk.
promise me that all you say is true. thats all i ask of you... but were you to say that you would be lieing... damnit my right leg is going numbe up to my calf.. if i wanna make it up the stairs i'm gonna have to start now.. this is bullshite... i've been leaving for lia while now.....
I started this damed thing at 7:49... its not 9:05.. thats bullshite.. i've been typing and venting and shif for an hous and 15 minutes.. and what do i have to show for it? a numb leg... I HATE YOU