Back to square one.
How am I supposed to ever get what I want if I don't know what I want?
I feel like I've been having this problem for the past 6 years. I'm in some sort of vicious cycle of "okay, I have some sort of distraction (boyfriend) that makes everything seem like it's okay for a little while" and then "shit, this isn't really making me happy because I still hate my job / where I'm living / I don't know what I'm really doing with my life and I'm way too young to settle down because I need to sort my own life out first" and then "fuck, now I'm all alone and miserable again and I still don't know what I'm doing with myself" so then I go and find myself another distraction... It's fucking awful. Yet at the same time I just feel like one of these days one of these "distractions" will make everything better. That's hope right there. What little I have left of it.
You know what I want? I want to know what I want! What a fucking conundrum. My life is and has been one giant paradox ever since I was 16. It's like I've grown up a bit in some areas, but deep down I'm still just kind of wondering what the fuck I'm doing with myself now that I've realized the world isn't all rainbows and butterflies and I need to take responsibility for myself.
Ugh. I don't know where I'm going with this. I broke up with my boyfriend of one year today. I feel like an asshole. He was super upset. That was the worst part, really. Watching his heart break right in front of me. And just sitting there, letting it happen. But what was I supposed to do? Breaking up is never a nice thing to do. There is no good way to go about it. I had to. It had been a year, and I just didn't see myself with him forever forever. (Forever ever, forever ever?? God I suck.) He is such a nice guy too. I just feel like we are in two different places in life right now. He loves his job, he just got a promotion, and he doesn't mind living in Scranton. I, on the other hand, fucking hate my job, and have absolutely no desire to stay in Scranton forever. I'm actually a little bummed about the fact that I'm still here. I just want someone to come and carry me away in their golden chariot to live happily ever after. I'm fucking ridiculous. I need to seriously get to work and make my life better. No one is going to come along and fix everything. I can't rely on other people to make me happy. I just don't know why motivation is so hard for me. It always has been. I mean, I haven't totally given up on myself. I have a full-time job (which I hate, but still) which is a lot better than a lot of people. I have my own apartment. I'm basically independent, except that I do my laundry at my parent's house, but I could totally use a laundromat if I had to...
I was doing these "new month's resolutions" earlier this year. I kind of totally failed at March, though. I wanted to do artwork (paint, or work on my website) for 2 hours a day, 2 days a week for the month of March, except I haven't done one minute of it so far. Tomorrow is the "Ides of March," so I've half-failed. I guess I could do double or nothing for the rest of the month? I mean, I'm probably going to have a lot more free time now. Now that I don't have a distraction...
I know I'm the one who broke up with him, but a year is a long time, and it's going to take a while for me to be okay. I'm okay right now, but I know I'm going to miss him. And everything is going to remind me of him. Ugh. I hope he's okay, though. I still care about him. Gah. And it's things like this that make me never want to date anyone ever again. Because it hurts so much when it's over. But I don't want to be alone forever. So it's like, is it worth the risk? How do you know if it's worth it? How do you know when he's worth the risk? PARADOX. Date and be perpetually heartbroken vs. date and live happily ever after. I want to date because I want to live happily ever after (fuck you, Disney, seriously), but I don't want to date because I know how bad it sucks when it doesn't work out.
And what if you think you've found someone worth risking it for, and there's like, a GIANT FUCKING OBSTACLE in the way? Like, serious obstacle. Like, definitely he's not going to think you're worth risking it for, and you don't want him to if it's going to hurt him, or anyone else, yet you really have high hopes and think it could be something amazing? But then again maybe you're just crazy and want it to be something so badly that you're putting it up high on a pedestal because you have nothing else to worship right now?
FUCK.
I feel like I've been having this problem for the past 6 years. I'm in some sort of vicious cycle of "okay, I have some sort of distraction (boyfriend) that makes everything seem like it's okay for a little while" and then "shit, this isn't really making me happy because I still hate my job / where I'm living / I don't know what I'm really doing with my life and I'm way too young to settle down because I need to sort my own life out first" and then "fuck, now I'm all alone and miserable again and I still don't know what I'm doing with myself" so then I go and find myself another distraction... It's fucking awful. Yet at the same time I just feel like one of these days one of these "distractions" will make everything better. That's hope right there. What little I have left of it.
You know what I want? I want to know what I want! What a fucking conundrum. My life is and has been one giant paradox ever since I was 16. It's like I've grown up a bit in some areas, but deep down I'm still just kind of wondering what the fuck I'm doing with myself now that I've realized the world isn't all rainbows and butterflies and I need to take responsibility for myself.
Ugh. I don't know where I'm going with this. I broke up with my boyfriend of one year today. I feel like an asshole. He was super upset. That was the worst part, really. Watching his heart break right in front of me. And just sitting there, letting it happen. But what was I supposed to do? Breaking up is never a nice thing to do. There is no good way to go about it. I had to. It had been a year, and I just didn't see myself with him forever forever. (Forever ever, forever ever?? God I suck.) He is such a nice guy too. I just feel like we are in two different places in life right now. He loves his job, he just got a promotion, and he doesn't mind living in Scranton. I, on the other hand, fucking hate my job, and have absolutely no desire to stay in Scranton forever. I'm actually a little bummed about the fact that I'm still here. I just want someone to come and carry me away in their golden chariot to live happily ever after. I'm fucking ridiculous. I need to seriously get to work and make my life better. No one is going to come along and fix everything. I can't rely on other people to make me happy. I just don't know why motivation is so hard for me. It always has been. I mean, I haven't totally given up on myself. I have a full-time job (which I hate, but still) which is a lot better than a lot of people. I have my own apartment. I'm basically independent, except that I do my laundry at my parent's house, but I could totally use a laundromat if I had to...
I was doing these "new month's resolutions" earlier this year. I kind of totally failed at March, though. I wanted to do artwork (paint, or work on my website) for 2 hours a day, 2 days a week for the month of March, except I haven't done one minute of it so far. Tomorrow is the "Ides of March," so I've half-failed. I guess I could do double or nothing for the rest of the month? I mean, I'm probably going to have a lot more free time now. Now that I don't have a distraction...
I know I'm the one who broke up with him, but a year is a long time, and it's going to take a while for me to be okay. I'm okay right now, but I know I'm going to miss him. And everything is going to remind me of him. Ugh. I hope he's okay, though. I still care about him. Gah. And it's things like this that make me never want to date anyone ever again. Because it hurts so much when it's over. But I don't want to be alone forever. So it's like, is it worth the risk? How do you know if it's worth it? How do you know when he's worth the risk? PARADOX. Date and be perpetually heartbroken vs. date and live happily ever after. I want to date because I want to live happily ever after (fuck you, Disney, seriously), but I don't want to date because I know how bad it sucks when it doesn't work out.
And what if you think you've found someone worth risking it for, and there's like, a GIANT FUCKING OBSTACLE in the way? Like, serious obstacle. Like, definitely he's not going to think you're worth risking it for, and you don't want him to if it's going to hurt him, or anyone else, yet you really have high hopes and think it could be something amazing? But then again maybe you're just crazy and want it to be something so badly that you're putting it up high on a pedestal because you have nothing else to worship right now?
FUCK.