and waste the chance that I've been given.

[quixotic_enigma]

I know you don't read this anymore.  But sometimes, I feel afraid to peek into your life, and that's stupid.  Through all the pictures you post, shuffled among memes, and other things, I can see that you have happiness.  And a part of me is genuinely happy for you.  But then, I compare where you are with your life, versus where I am in mine, and it makes me angry.  Well, jealous, really.  And I know that comparing my life to yours is like apples to oranges and all that.  But I look at pretty much everyone else that I know.  I should be farther along in my life than I am, right?  I should know what I want out of life and some kind of direction in order to get there, right?  I feel like I should be something, and I'm not.

I know that if you have read this, and most of my other posts, I seem to just drone on and on about this uncertainty in my life.  But the fact of the matter is, is that I am afraid.  Scared that I will never amount to anything.  Scared that my life has no meaning, and when it is over, I will not have left a lasting impression on anyone.  That I never mattered, and that I never will.  Of course, you'll never read this.  You'll never know that my fear paralyzes me in a way I don't fully understand, and that all the chances I have been given had been thrown away.  I don't even know what I want in life anymore.  Or maybe I never knew what I wanted to begin with.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense.  I want to love, and I want to live.  I want to be happy, and I want to be cared for and cared about.  I want adventure, and I want freedom from my current state of existence.  I want to understand, and I want to be wanted.  But I also know that maybe I'm not meant to have all of these things.  Or really any of these things and now I feel like I'm typing in circles, and I'm sure it's frustrating.

Oh well.  No sense in typing about it now.  I just wish I had a do over.