when reality sleeps with fiction
have you ever been happy? yes and no.
& the time when you told me you loved me, I thought I was in love with you. it was the time when I would have said I have never been happier. I was afraid, afraid of losing you to someone else but at the same time happy for you being with me here right now. we talked about the monsoon and the trees, because you loved them so much but you trusted me a secret and said that you had never loved anyone like you loved me. I smiled and felt ticklish. when you repeated your question, I said yes. when I asked the same thing, you pondered for awhile and said no. and soon after that everything fell apart, everything crashed and I heard your laughter from distance and the sea was crocked and my heart not only skipped a beat, it began to take its beats back as if I betrayed a sacred contract.
I have felt this feeling all my life. so? so I don’t know the difference between happiness and sadness and therefore I have never been happy as I have no idea what is to be sad.
& I began to tell you, because if I could be I’d be a face for sorrow. descriptions of being miserable and alone in the rain (but the rain could be your friend and therefore you would not need to be mellow), stories about being in love with someone who is not in love with you (but then you have witnessed love and you know how it feels like and although it is painful, you have never felt so much care in your life), letters to an electricity company pleading for extension for the bill (but they could say yes, you never know until you send the letters to them and wait for their answers), rejections from publishing companies (but your poetry only needs to matter to you and if it does not matter to you then it is a failure and the greatest rejection as it is from yourself), burned family photographs (but you never told them that you loved them either and, although you never said I assure you loved them and it is the same way with your parents, too, even if it seems like they treated you like hell and never told you were dearest thing to them, you must have been) and soon I ceased, because I realized that there was nothing that could change your mind, you always found an optimistic view to the most pessimistic scenarios and if possible I fell deeper and deeper and soon I lost both you and myself.
we talked, but in the end the conversation did not go anywhere. it was like were at Moscow Central Railway Station and the trains were unwilling to move to Mongolia. you spoke in Russian, but because I was unable to understand it I mumbled back in English and so there was no interaction as we had forgotten how to speak body language. and soon after, I could not stop myself and asked you. how do you know if you are not happy right now if you do not how it is like to be happy? difficult questions usually offer easy answers, you told me and before you even began to answer I knew everything and ceased to wonder life’s wonders. if someone was my best friend and I was one to introduce him to another friend of mine should not they be automatically friends as I am friends with both of them? logically they should get along with each other as I get along with both of them and the head began to spin too fast and I fell and you caught me and you kissed me and too much dizziness going on and life was pretending to be the star of the film. you are losing me, you said and I told you that I have already lost you, it was not a task that I needed to do again and you pinched me, kindly, gently and I woke up in South America you next to me. what is happening, everything is moving too fast and you said the camera is already rolling, keep acting and remembering my lines and so we finished our scene.
you: how could you do that?
me: what?
y: you know what.
m: I have absolutely no idea.
y: you fucking cunt.
m: are you talking to me?
y: no, I am talking to myself.
m: why?
y: idiot.
m: sorry, I’m not following the script.
y: you just do not understand anything, do you know?
m: not this.
y: messing up everyone’s lives. falling in love and then falling out of love whilst keeping the other people in love. playing with hearts and thinking they are easily replaceable as the world is for you. you fucking whore, you fatherfucking -
m: maybe I should wake up again, because I really do not know what you are talking about.
y: you never know.
m: I guess I do not.
y: that is your problem.
m: I guess so.
y: fucking -
m: can we get pass the fucking part already?
y: see. that is what you are. a fucking twit who does not care about other people’s emotions. sure, you love them at first, sure, you take care of them at the beginning but as soon as someone else appears in your life other people simply just vanish. and we follow you, we are on your mercy and you treat as like fucking dirt and you do not even notice as because you are too busy with your own life that is so precious and amazing and glorious and -
m: FOR FUCK’S SAKE CAN’T YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE(S?) JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME GO TO THE FUCKING REALITY WHICH SEEMS TO BE SO MUCH FUCKING SANER THAN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FICTION…
director: CUT! perfect, maybe too much use of the word fucking the last line, but otherwise this was a brilliant shot!
y: I knew you could do it.
m: I’m tired of being lost.
y: one is always lost when there are no boundaries in the world.
Moscow. the trains ate the coal and were ready to leave. from South America with fiction or from Russia with reality?