(one-shot) i wanna see you but you're not mine
title: i wanna see you but you're not mine
pairing: Baekhyun/Chen
genre: au, really light angst, romance
rating: pg-13
warnings: brief mention of alcohol influence
word count: 6676 words
summary: Jongdae’s not sure if Baekhyun just wants to get back together or if he just really needs a place to stay at.
notes: aka that one fic with a million typos i had to fix cries :c written for the lovely bcnf3nf for the thedaelight fic exchange! ♥ title taken from the 1975's undo. more notes over at the original post over here (which had a million typos and grammatical errors!!)
“So,” Jongdae starts, hunched down on the couch with his elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped together. His skeptical stare darts back and forth from a fidgety Baekhyun to the luggage by his door.
“So,” Baekhyun repeats in reply, pursing his lips, staring at the light pink curtains with great interest. “I see you changed your curtains.” He nods his head as his gaze averts from Jongdae’s suspicious eyes.
Accepting the situation, Jongdae hangs his head down and sighs.
Baekhyun clears his throat and leans back further on the couch. He finally looks at Jongdae, with a pleading and embarrassed gaze. “Look, I sort of-”
“I know.” Jongdae breathes out. “You can stay here.”
As loud as Baekhyun seemed to be, it was actually frighteningly silent when it happened. The bed creaked every time Jongdae shifted, his throat dried up through the influx of emotions. He has never been an expert at breakups. He was too nice to breakup with someone, he was too nice to actually hurt someone by ending a relationship so he usually just sits around when it gets dysfunctional and waits for the unavoidable farewell. The only problem is that Jongdae hadn’t seen it coming, because he was so used to everything. It has always been Baekhyun and Jongdae, Jongdae and Baekhyun, one just can’t be without the other.
Jongdae had no idea what to do when it finally happened.
“I’m leaving.” Baekhyun almost whispered, his voiced seemed tired after all the shouted arguments and unflattering withheld sobs.
Jongdae thinks that there was probably more to that, but his mind was so fogged up that the remaining memories tore themselves up into vague fragments. It was a struggle to make any move, because he was afraid of what might come next - every word, every movement, might mend or break the thing that holds them together. He couldn’t make his hand hold onto the sleeves of Baekhyun’s sweater as he walks out of the door. He couldn’t scream and fight for the last glimpse of hope he caught in between Baekhyun’s tired gaze. His beating heart wouldn’t calm down for a second, raging and thrashing out of his own chest, but his limbs seem too weak to even flinch.
Jongdae didn’t want to admit it, but he was holding onto something that’s slipping right out of his grip bit by bit.
Jongdae didn’t want to admit it, but he was too tired to hold on any longer.
He felt utterly numb that time and all he could say was “Whatever makes you happy.” as Baekhyun steps one foot out of the door.
“So do we sleep on the same bed?” Baekhyun asks with humor in his tone, like it was no big deal to actually sleep on the same bed with his ex-boyfriend, as his eyes still avoid Jongdae’s own. He sits down on the bed so formally, no rolling around and messing up the covers unlike before, and it makes Jongdae build the newly formed walls between them a bit thicker.
Jongdae’s stuck in between a cringe and a laugh and a sigh as he groans incoherently by the entrance to their-his-room.
Baekhyun has a small, teasing smile on his face as he shrugs while going through his luggage.
“Do you need um,” Jongdae chokes on his own words, and clears his throat. He coughs a few times, and gives Baekhyun an angry stare when he sees the boy trying to stifle a laugh. He exhales, and musters a laugh through the seemingly awkward atmosphere. “I’m fine.” He says.
With familiar pieces of clothing scattered on the bed, Baekhyun bounces on the mattress as he shifts in his seat, kicking off the luggage that still has a few more stuff that needs to be unpacked. “I’m fine, too.” Baekhyun gives him a small smile.
Jongdae answers with an abrupt change of expression on his face, both the anxiety and nostalgia slowly creeps in. He tries to calmly remind himself to stop reading into things too much.
Baekhyun offers a small laugh through his timid smile. “I’m fine, I can unpack by myself.” He quietly clears it up through a small voice, then he busies himself by sorting out his clothes.
“We’re fine.” It comes out like an assumption rather than a declaration, and Jongdae feels as if he dove in too deep without any precaution.
Baekhyun doesn’t even flinch to look at Jongdae, appearing preoccupied with the luggage.
A week into post-breakup, Jongdae felt like checking himself into a mental institution every passing second. He was being so cynical and contradicting that it was just awfully irritating. He brag about how he found his own sense of freedom and how comfortable it was to live by himself, but would end up calling Chanyeol because the place seems too quiet and too big. He would rummage through the cabinets because the curtains they used to argue over are never quite the right color and it reminded Jongdae of his ex, but he would settle with light blue in the end, the color Baekhyun picked before he left. Kyungsoo would begrudgingly visit him for brunch, since Jongdae would wail on the phone about how he misses decently cooked meals, but in the end, the coffee and the pancakes still never taste the way they used to.
He was stuck in between days wherein he would have this undeniable urge to check up on Byun Baekhyun, and avoid going on every social networking site all at the same time. Jongdae was pretty much on the verge of going insane - avoiding all the things that remind him of Baekhyun, and realizing that he couldn’t go a day without remembering him because his habits, his interests, has a tiny part of the boy he once loved embedded into them.
Jongdae has no idea where to go. He has no idea what to say. He knows Baekhyun always has something to say, but it’s been small talk for the past few hours and it kills Jongdae bit by bit.
“This is so weird.” Jongdae mutters while they’re having a somewhat awkward dinner filled with slurping noises that makes the both of them feel undeniably uncomfortable.
Baekhyun pauses for a second, before launching his chopsticks onto the kimbap and devouring it in one bite. “It’s only weird if we make it weird.” he lectures with his mouth half-full.
Jongdae tries to look Baekhyun in the eyes, only to discover that he’s too busy trying to avoid eye contact this whole time. “It’s only weird if you still can’t look me in the eyes.”
An exhale escapes Baekhyun’s lips, his eyes carefully meeting Jongdae’s own. “It’s not weird.” he says, staring blankly as if he’s looking past Jongdae.
Jongdae raises an eyebrow as he chews. He finds himself leaning forward and pushing another piece of kimbap in front of Baekhyun’s mouth, trying to prove something but not entirely sure what that thing is.
Baekhyun hesitates for about a second before eating it.
Jongdae catches himself smiling and casually lowers the sides of his mouth with a cough. He thinks Baekhyun looks so dumb when he chews while trying to smile. “Not weird at all.” he declares, actually convincing himself rather than the slurping boy across the table.
A month into post-breakup, Jongdae was on the verge of going crazy when the doorbell suddenly rang. He took measured steps and skimmed through his mind to remember if he was expecting either Kyungsoo or Chanyeol today. He wasn’t expecting to see Byun Baekhyun on the doorway, with a luggage and awkward eye contact to match.
“Hi.” was what Baekhyun had said, trying not to sound awkward but failing to do so.
“Oh my god.” was what Jongdae had replied, with blinking eyes and a feverish face. “I mean, hey.” Jongdae corrected himself coolly.
“ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME?” Chanyeol slams the door open to see the pair clad in thin wife-beaters and printed boxers, lazily gobbling up takeout noodles on the couch. It’s been three days and Jongdae couldn’t be more relieved that things are starting to get less awkward than it was before. (And it also scares him at the same time, for reasons involving a small place in his heart where he tucks his old feelings.)
“Chanyeol-”
“WHY ARE YOU BACK TOGETHER?”
Baekhyun almost chokes, and sharply turns to face Jongdae. “Wait, are we together again?” He says like he was unsure of every single thing he ever knew.
“I did not tell him that we’re back together, I just told him you came back.” Jongdae sort of scoots further away from Baekhyun but he tries to defend himself nonetheless.
Chanyeol groans by the doorstep, feet stomping in frustration. “The both of you are so weird.” he exhales and raises both of his hands up. “I can’t take this-”
“Such a big deal.” Baekhyun fans himself sarcastically. He looks at Jongdae with a mischievous glint in his eyes, the upturned corners of his lips inviting Jongdae to get in on the joke.
Jongdae chuckles and relaxes onto the couch. “I’m getting so worked up about this.” Jongdae chimes in, dramatically flexing his shoulders as he glances at Chanyeol’s annoyed face.
“This is so weird.” Baekhyun adds with an extra sarcastic tone.
Jongdae pauses with his mouth open, his next attack suddenly gets stuck in his throat when he realizes that it is indeed kind of weird. It’s only been a few days, and here they are in their most comfortable clothes, eating take out Chinese food like they always did, as if everything was okay and there were no hard feelings and every reason why they broke up didn’t matter. He closes it after a few seconds of contemplation, staring into space.
“Yes, Baek. It is.” Chanyeol answers and leans on the doorframe. “And why did you guys forget about ordering one for me?” he lets himself in.
“That’s cool.” Chanyeol casually remarked without even sparing a glance at Baekhyun and Jongdae, too busy fumbling with his phone.
“I just said we’re together.” Baekhyun repeated, a hand on his hip as he stands in the middle of the living room after his big announcement. “Not just living together, like together together.”
Kyungsoo had seemed tired back then, and extra annoyed. It made Jongdae extra nervous, and make assumptions that their friends aren’t okay with them being a couple. The four of them have been inseparable ever since college and Jongdae had thought that falling in love with Baekhyun was way out of context - like it wasn’t part of the deal, like it would break something for the four of them if they ever end things between the two of them.
“Kyungsoo?” Jongdae had braved to speak to him the moment he sat next to Jongdae on the couch. Jongdae saw Baekhyun sneak a glance at the both of them, taking a quick break from arguing with Chanyeol over the movie they should watch.
“What?” Kyungsoo replied, his expression softened the moment he looked at Jongdae. He suddenly chuckled as he shook his head. “Look,” he says, smiling at Jongdae like he just played a joke on him. “I knew you two were together even before the both of you knew it yourselves.”
“Everyone knew.” Chanyeol added.
Baekhyun reacted quite hugely from what they said and threw senseless arguments. Jongdae heaved a big exhale from relief and felt utterly happy and contented.
It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, Jongdae has been working since morning, his fingers quickly tapping on the keyboard while his eyes blankly stared at the screen. Baekhyun still doesn’t get programming until now, so he didn’t bother Jongdae and just flipped through newspapers with scrutinizing eyes scanning the ads for vacant apartment units. Baekhyun told him he’d stay here for a week, and if he could stay true to his words then that would mean that he’d be leaving in three days. Jongdae sort of didn’t want that, and he mentally punches himself in the face for doing so.
“How did it feel when…” Baekhyun starts, out of the blue, while Jongdae’s lying face flat on the rug with his hands slightly twitching on top of his closed laptop.
“When what?” Jongdae replies, voice muffled by the fur. He starts to turn, to lie on his side so he could see Baekhyun’s face.
The older boy shifts on the couch, lying on his stomach to get a better look at Jongdae. “You know,” he shrugs, with a few noncommittal wiggly hand gestures to match.
Jongdae looks at him with narrowed eyes and Baekhyun gives him a look that makes Jongdae feel like he’s actually supposed to know what they’re talking about. “Are we talking about the first time we did it or are we talking about something else?” He bravely says the only thing that honestly comes up to his mind.
Baekhyun’s head falls down along with a groan. “No, we are not talking about that.” He says in between fits of laughter, his shoulders shaking slightly.
“Because it actually felt goddamn-”
“Jongdae.”
“I’m just saying.” Jongdae shrugs and lies on his back, noisily stretching to get rid of the tiredness. He uses his arms to pillow his head and he stares at Baekhyun with tired eyes.
“When we broke up.” Baekhyun continues, hiding half of his face underneath an arm, the other one dangling down the couch.
Jongdae exhales and he feels awake. It takes a few seconds before he says “I don’t know, I guess it felt like that one time when I was six years old and I was with my dad.”
It was a chilly November night, and Jongdae remembers persistently tagging along with his dad to buy some condiments at a nearby convenience store. He remembers it was probably because his dad would ride a motorbike and six-year-old Jongdae loved riding on motorbikes with his dad.
Little Jongdae was sitting on the sidewalk, sipping a small carton of flavored yogurt under the luminescence of a streetlight. Just as he finished his drink, the bell to the glass door of the convenience store rings too loudly in the quiet night. But it wasn’t his dad who came out of the store. It wasn’t his dad who came out after that, and even after that.
He felt this really ugly feeling inside of him, and it ate him up with every passing second. He stood on his toes to sneak a glance inside the convenience store, his stomach bubbling with raw panic and desperation swimming through his veins the moment he couldn’t seem to find his dad.
Jongdae even looked around him, checking every direction just to catch a glimpse of him. The panic rises up to his head as starts walking aimlessly, cluttering up his thoughts and formulating thousands of ‘what-ifs’ and worst case scenarios.
He felt so lost. He wanted to scream and yell for him, but his throat clogged up and his voice got lost somewhere in the evening silence. The anxiety drowns him inside and his eyes gradually start to blur with tears.
Then Jongdae felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder, pulling him back to reality that everything will be okay. His dad came back for him after a few minutes, worry in his eyes along with words of comfort and an apology on his lips.
Baekhyun came back after a month, pulling him back to the idea that everything might be okay, with an apology in his eyes and a few pieces of Jongdae’s hope at the tip of his fingertips.
Jongdae knew that Baekhyun had given up on finding an apartment once and for all. Baekhyun would usually be gone all day and come back before dinner, working at the advertising company in the morning and probably scouting for places he could stay at in the afternoon.
Recently, Baekhyun just came home in the afternoon, having movie and series marathons until it was time for dinner. Jongdae should complain about the freeloader in his place, but he doesn’t. He does complain when Baekhyun starts watching a show he doesn’t really like.
“I don’t even understand that.” Jongdae squints at the TV screen through his glasses, his feet resting on the tiny coffee table with his laptop balanced on his thighs.
Jongdae feels a piercing stare on the right side of his head.
“I’m just saying.” he shrugs as he hears an audible exhale. “You still watch that show?” Jongdae continues to pry and to push his buttons. “Like, until now? For real?”
“You never like anything I like.” Baekhyun revolts and ignores all his questions.
“Oh come on,” Jongdae breathes out, rolling his eyes and unconsciously shifting closer to Baekhyun on the couch. “Well, we both liked How I Met Your Mother.” he points out.
Baekhyun hums in contemplation. “We actually did.” He nods to himself, eyes still focused on the replay of Couples Therapy.
Jongdae nudges him. “I think we were almost like Barney and Ro-”
“Nope.” Baekhyun cuts through, not sparing him a single glance.
“Marshall and Lily?”
Baekhyun hums again, but still answers “Nope.”
Jongdae exhales. “Okay, Ted an-”
“Nope.” Baekhyun replies without a second thought. “Besides, all the people you mentioned ended up with each other. We broke up, Jongdae.” he shrugs as he explains, his lips pouting into a controlled frown.
“Fine then.” Jongdae ended the argument, perhaps a little too defensively. He takes the laptop off his lap and places it on the coffee table, perhaps with too much force than necessary.
Baekhyun scoots further and looks at Jongdae. “What are you so worked up about?”
“What? Nothing.” Jongdae glances at him once, and proceeds to sulk.
With a sigh, Baekhyun shifts in his seat, slumping further into the couch. “You liked that show way too much.”
Jongdae’s eyebrows meet and he retorts “What does that even mean?”
“Nothing,” Baekhyun answers, rolling his eyes. “You’re just really hung up on it, that’s all.” he argues with a set of hand gestures.
Jongdae moves his limbs to face Baekhyun and sits cross legged on top of the couch. “I am not really hung up on it.”
“You are.” Baekhyun looks at the TV screen.
“What? No.”
“Why do you keep on disagreeing with me?” Baekhyun’s voice is louder, and they’re now facing each other.
“You know you started it!” Jongdae’s reply was his very own hybrid of a shout and a whine. He feels a strain on his neck and he suddenly becomes aware that he’s leaning a bit too close to Baekhyun’s face.
They pause for about a half a minute, surprised eyes scanning each other’s faces and looking for subtle hints that should give them a clue about what to do next. Suddenly, Jongdae exhales and says “Now I know why you like that show so much.” head titling to the broadcast of Couples Therapy.
Three days into post-breakup, Jongdae woke up every day with the undeniable urge to order a whole box of pizza and eat it by himself while watching stupid Couple’s Therapy reruns on his TV.
A week into post-breakup is when Chanyeol starts bringing pints of ice cream with a variety of flavors and Jongdae couldn’t be more thankful even though Kyungsoo always reminded him of how ugly and fat he would be and how he would be judged by Baekhyun if he happens to run into him one day. Jongdae always rolled his eyes at Kyungsoo.
Nowadays, Jongdae would wake up to bubblegum pop songs blasting through the speakers, accompanied by the sound of manic footsteps and the smell of warm coffee with too much cream. Baekhyun had started cooking for the both of them when his one week mark had passed by silently, Jongdae hadn’t talked to him about overstaying. The smell of breakfast usually filled his place at about six in the morning, a few hours too early for Jongdae. But he’d get up much quickly than before, just so he could check whether his tiny kitchen is still organized and clean and safe and fire-less.
“Need any help?” Jongdae yawns, leaning on the kitchen counter for balance as he drowsily stares at the thick pancake mix on the frying pan.
“I’m good.” Baekhyun runs his gaze at him from head to toe, gradually bringing his gaze back up at Jongdae’s boxers. “You need any help with that?”
Jongdae looks down and finds a bulge in his boxers greeting him good morning. Something that’s in between a chuckle and snort escapes his mouth. “You up for it?” he teases as he slowly closes in on the space between them.
Baekhyun stifles a laugh under his breath, then quickly puts on a serious façade, the spatula on his hand raised sternly. “Jongdae,” he warns.
And there it comes, for the first time in weeks, Jongdae laughs. It’s not the kind of laugh that comes casually and lasts for a few seconds, it’s the kind of laugh that bubbles up a tinge of genuine happiness that could fuel someone throughout the day. Jongdae laughs as he closes in on Baekhyun, pressing his body against the thin boy’s side, his arms enveloping Baekhyun into a loose hug. Jongdae doesn’t know if it’s because of the scrumptious smell of pancakes, or because he woke up on the right side of the bed, but he feels giddy inside out. He doesn’t care if he’s breaking the barriers, but maybe he wants to, just this once.
There’s a piercing scream that took over the entirety of the place, which then transitioned into fits of bubbly laughter erupting from the kitchen.
Today, Jongdae had breakfast with a slob of thick pancake mix entangled in his hair.
Jongdae fell for Baekhyun the first time they slept together.
Fresh out of college with their own paychecks from their stable jobs, the four of them went on a vacation when the holidays came up. Jongdae remembered Chanyeol ignoring him when he told them that it was going to rain, Kyungsoo being extra cranky because they had to leave early (and because he had to drive), and Baekhyun insisting they’d get a room by pair rather than squeezing themselves into one room.
Jongdae couldn’t remember how it happened but he just ended up rooming with Baekhyun and it was actually no big deal. It started turning into a big deal when it stormed around midnight, the kind that had thunder and lightning and everything a kid would fear if they’re alone at home.
“Move.” Baekhyun was suddenly shaking him awake while he hugged his own pillow to his chest.
“God, what do you want?” Jongdae said in an irritated and raspy voice. He groaned a few times before surrendering and scooting over to make some space for Baekhyun. Jongdae heard the wind howling angrily outside as he turned to face Baekhyun who was making himself comfortable beside him. The bed seemed too small for them and Jongdae suddenly felt his heart through his chest the moment he realized how close they are.
“What?” His eyebrows met. “Go to sleep.” He told Jongdae. Jongdae saw Baekhyun flinch every time the rain pelted too strongly against the glass window by the bed he was supposed to be sleeping in.
“Are you scared?” Jongdae asked and shifted on the bed, placing an arm under his pillow.
Baekhyun scoffed. “No, I’m not.” The rain knocks hard on the glass window and he flinched again. “I just don’t want to die in my sleep.”
Jongdae wanted to tell him that the window wasn’t going to break into pieces because of the thunder storm. He wanted to reassure him that if it did break while he was sleeping on his own bed right by the window, the broken glass would probably just cut him and that would be it. Baekhyun was overreacting, it wouldn’t kill him. “Come on,” Jongdae started. “Stop finding excuses to sleep with me.” Jongdae had said instead, a drowsy smile on his face.
Baekhyun snorted at him, and that was the last thing Jongdae remembers before he fell asleep.
Jongdae woke up to a hint of sunshine and clear skies through the glass window by the empty bed, and to a sleeping Baekhyun. Jongdae could have just untangled himself from Baekhyun’s limbs, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to wake him up, because Jongdae saw Baekhyun in a different light for the very first time. And maybe Jongdae was just finding excuses to stay close to him a little longer. He knew that from that day on, he had to keep finding excuses.
Jongdae finds Baekhyun lying a bit too close to him on the bed. They have been taking turns on the bed and the couch, so that it’s fair. Besides, the couch was actually comfortable and Baekhyun has always had the habit of falling asleep on movies. (Jongdae woke up one night to the sound of a snoring Baekhyun and Mean Girls coming from the living room.)
“This is so weird.” Jongdae whispers against the strands of Baekhyun’s hair, his arm already feeling the weight. Baekhyun just plunged into the bed without any warning, and landed on Jongdae’s poor arm.
“You’re weird.” Baekhyun retorts with no sense, thrashing his legs to get a lucky kick at Jongdae’s shin. Jongdae puts up a fight until he hooks his leg over Baekhyun’s, a sense of victory washing over him.
“You are not allowed to watch horror movies before sleeping ever again.” Jongdae leaned back to look at Baekhyun in the eyes, he tries not to appear too loving, or too caring. Baekhyun makes it easier to do so by rolling his eyes at Jongdae in reply.
“Just go to sleep,” he says. “I’ll go back to the couch when I’m fine.” Baekhyun sounds sleepy.
Jongdae hums and retrieves his arm under Baekhyun, placing his hand under his pillow. “Or you could just sleep here.” He says, no longer afraid or uncomfortable when it comes to looking at Baekhyun in the eyes. “For tonight.” He adds dumbly.
Baekhyun’s eyes were struggling to keep themselves open as his breathing slows down and evens out. “God, Jongdae,” he mutters under a sigh, and he shifts a little closer. “Stop trying to sleep with me.” He slurs before giving him a small laugh.
Jongdae rests his arm just above Baekhyun’s torso, and he feels awake with a thousand thoughts inside his head. He pulls Baekhyun a little bit closer, but not too close enough to feel his stupid raging heartbeat.
Baekhyun never had an outrageous drinking habit, he just got a bit braver when he drinks like most people.
When they were in college and Baekhyun got drunk, he almost kissed Chanyeol and told him that he’d go out with him if he wasn’t an asshole. When they went out one weekend and Baekhyun got drunk, he got into a really personal fight with Kyungsoo - the kind of fight that only involved talking with a brutally honest tongue, no fists or leg kicks involved - and it took them two weeks to make up.
When they were sort of together but not quite yet and Baekyun got drunk, he told Jongdae how much he really liked him and how he wants to just move in with him so they could be together all the time. Jongdae almost told Baekhyun that he loves him, but he didn’t. He waited for Baekhyun to sober up, because he wanted it to be crystal clear in Baekhyun’s memory.
Baekhyun wasn’t drunk but he actually laughed for a long, harsh minute before he said “Well, what took you so long?”
The moment Baekhyun arrives with a bottle of soju, Jongdae senses that he must have had a really tough day at work. Baekhyun rarely finds his work hard, so it must have been really bad. Jongdae tells him that they should talk about it after dinner.
It was really bad. Baekhyun talked for two and a half hours straight about their new creative director and how much of an asshole he seems to be, downing shots of soju as if it’s plain water. Jongdae just listened through it all, slipping in an occasional “Really?” and “Are you serious?” when he gets the chance.
And then Baekhyun stops talking. He stares into space.
“Um, Baekhyun?” Jongdae looks at him. It’s as if he just completely spaced out all of a sudden, and anxiety grows inside Jongdae’s mind. This is usually the part where Baekhyun starts being outrageously honest and brave. Jongdae doesn’t know if he’s ready for what Baekhyun’s going to say to him.
Baekhyun calmly puts down his glass on the coffee table and runs his hands through his hair. He hangs his head down and says “I missed you.”
And that’s all it takes to turn Jongdae into an emotional mess. “Stop,” Jongdae replies a little too sharply. “you’re drunk.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you a-”
“We both know I’m not that drunk.” Baekhyun cuts him off with a louder voice. Baekhyun looks at him, his shoulders slump down and his eyes are searching for something.
Jongdae’s mentally contradicting himself. He could, but he shouldn’t. He can, but he shouldn’t. He should, he should, he should - so he says “I missed you too.” as quietly as possible and he knows deep down that he’s accepting defeat.
Baekhyun leans forward too quickly and too close, close enough to clumsily bump his nose against Jongdae’s and to kiss him with no hesitation. Jongdae’s surprised, not because of the sudden kiss, but because Baekhyun’s kissing him like he never did before. He feels the armrest at the back of his head and a pillow under his back and it confuses Jongdae as to how much force did Baekhyun use to make him fall onto his back. Jongdae feels the familiar touch of long, thin fingers under his shirt and he feels himself leaning into the kiss a little too eagerly. He wonders how many times Baekhyun should bite his bottom lip tonight to make him fall apart completely. He tries to find a way to stop sneaking in his own gasps in between their kiss, but he fails to do so.
Jongdae tastes so much need and a tinge of regret on Baekhyun’s lips that something inside him breaks.
Jongdae should pull away, but he couldn’t. Baekhyun has one knee on the couch and one foot on the floor as he towers over Jongdae; he has one hand on the armrest and the other holds onto the hem of Jongdae’s shirt. He leaves subtle bruises on Jongdae’s neck down to his clavicles. Jongdae should really pull away, but he can’t.
As if Baekhyun has read his mind, he stops. He unlatches himself off, his hair an angry mess and his cheeks flushed. Jongdae could feel his heartbeat in his ears as Baekhyun just breathes there. He just breathes, but Jongdae revels at the sight before him. And he shouldn’t. Jongdae shouldn’t. He shouldn’t, because Baekhyun doesn’t taste like need and regret. Baekhyun tastes like mint candy, and soju, and a mistake that is about to happen.
So Jongdae sits himself up. “Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun looks at him with panic-stricken eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t-”
Jongdae pulls him into a hug, cautiously and hesitantly. A tired and heavy exhale escapes Jongdae’s mouth, and he tries to clear his head. They stay like that for a moment, Baekhyun’s hand clutching the fabric of his shirt and his head resting on his shoulder. “Let’s just talk about it.” He says, and he feels Baekhyun breathing long and even breaths.
Baekhyun didn’t talk.
Jongdae knows that Baekhyun would fall asleep, but he doesn’t know what to feel about it the moment it actually happens.
Jongdae was completely sure that he liked Baekhyun first, so he was completely off guard when Baekhyun was the one who kissed him first.
They were both on their way to Kyungsoo’s place for New Year’s Eve, clinging onto each other because it was ridiculously cold that Jongdae could see Baekhyun’s breath whenever he cracked a dumb joke. There was something off about Baekhyun that night, and Jongdae just couldn’t figure it out. But when Baekhyun suddenly pulled him by brute force and tugged at his scarf, Jongdae knew there was definitely something off about Baekhyun that night - because Baekhyun had his lips against Jongdae’s for about ten seconds and then Baekhyun just let him go like nothing ever happened.
Baekhyun started to walk and Jongdae shouted “What was that for?”
“There was a mistletoe!” He replied without looking at Jongdae.
“It’s New Year’s Eve.” Jongdae told him as a matter-of-factly as he caught to up to Baekhyun, already turning around the corner, a few steps away from Kyungsoo’s.
Baekhyun ignored him until Kyungsoo greeted them at the doorstep. He acted like nothing happened, and Jongdae spent his New Year’s Eve somewhat frustrated and confused.
Jongdae wakes up at five in the morning, and reflects on his life for about thirty minutes after staring at a sleeping Baekhyun on the couch. He sits on top of his kitchen counter, a glass of ice cold water in one hand, and the hair on the back of his head in the other. Jongdae ponders about a lot of things. He thinks about the things could have said that might have kept them together. He thinks about their differences that tore them apart. He thinks about the way it felt to kiss Baekhyun again after a long time, and how he couldn’t pull away immediately.
He avoids glancing at the drooling boy on couch because doing so just makes his intestines twist and his heart disintegrate into a thousand pieces.
Baekhyun clears his throat. “Good morning.” he greets with a raspy voice, and with footsteps as unsure as his tone.
Jongdae almost jumps in surprise. He wasn’t done thinking about what to say to Baekhyun the moment he wakes up. He wasn’t done thinking about what he wants to do and where he wants this thing to go. “Hey.” Jongdae replies, his legs dangling off the counter. He glances at the wall clock and realizes he’s been contemplating for more than an hour already.
Baekhyun has his eyes on the floor. “So,”
“So?”
Baekhyun stands in front of him, his hands on his waist and his shoulders slumping as he sighs. “I’m just,” he starts and looks at his side, eyes avoiding Jongdae. “Really sorry for last night, I mean I wasn’t even that drunk but I guess I just got so emotional?” he stares blankly at Jongdae’s dangling feet, his lips resting into a pout as he blinks. “And brave.” he adds and nods at himself.
“You’re sorry for what happened?” It was supposed to be a mere thought in his head but Jongdae felt the words flying out of his mouth without any precaution, and it catches the both of them off guard.
Baekhyun finally looks at him, but his gaze still flickers everywhere, a bit confused and frustrated at the same time. “Should I not be?” his voice sounds strained, and his gaze lingers at Jongdae’s face.
“I don’t know.” Jongdae shrugs and it was his turn to look at every inch of his place just to avoid Baekhyun’s stare. “I guess I just thought you still felt something.” He hops off the counter and leans his back on it.
“What if I did?” He’s staring right at Jongdae, his posture straightens and his tone comes off demanding and with a tinge of bubbling anger. The tension between them grows evident through the dead silence.
“I don’t know.” Jongdae shrugs again.
“Stop telling me that you don’t know.” Baekhyun almost yells, and Jongdae can tell that something just snapped within him.
“It’s not that easy.” Jongdae didn’t mean to be as loud as Baekhyun. “It has never been easy, from the moment you walked out of that door and came back a month later as if you’re trying to just fuck up what’s left of my feelings.”
Baekhyun doesn’t move an inch and just stares at Jongdae with a tense expression that seems too familiar.
“I’m not saying that I don’t want you here, or that I’m just being hypocritically nice and I’ve actually hated you all this time. It’s wrong and it sucks but I want you here because I actually missed you.” Jongdae didn’t mean to make it worse.
Every inch of Baekhyun suddenly dims and his glazed eyes seem to be somewhere in between upset and unsettled. The silence is excruciatingly painful and the ticking of the clock seems louder than ever as the both of them are still searching for the right words to say.
An exhausted exhale breaks the silence, and Jongdae calms himself down. “Shit, I don’t know, I’m sorry.”
“You’re apologizing for missing me?”
Jongdae shakes his head. “I’m apologizing for this.” He gestures to his sides, because he’s so sorry for so much things that he just wants to apologize for everything. Jongdae doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s tired.
Baekhyun’s arms are crossed, his shoulders are still slumped as if they’ve been too tired from carrying something too heavy. “I’m sorry for actually missing you too.”
Jongdae has no idea what to feel, and ends up chuckling with just tiny pinch of humor. He just missed Baekhyun so, so much.
“We’re idiots aren’t we?” Baekhyun slips the words through a breathy laugh.
“So what are you gonna do now?” Kyungsoo asked, after hanging up on Jongdae through the phone when he told him that Baekhyun had broken up with him and arriving at his place fifteen minutes later. Kyungsoo immediately demanded him to skip the emotional outburst and just tell him the whole story.
Jongdae laughed and shrugged. “I don’t know.” It was the kind of laugh that tasted too bitter on his mouth.
They’re sitting on the couch.
Baekhyun breathes out before carefully leaning his head on Jongdae’s shoulder and Jongdae just lets him - because Baekhyun just barged back in to Jongdae’s life without any warning. Maybe because of that one night Baekhyun was too scared to sleep alone on the couch. Probably because he likes to disturb him while Baekhyun cooks breakfast. Because he couldn’t pull away when Baekhyun kissed him.
Jongdae lightly places his hand on top of Baekhyun’s, their fingers shyly meeting each other, and Baekhyun lets him.
“So,” Jongdae starts to suck on his lower lip.
“So,” Baekhyun echoes, and fits his fingers through the spaces of the hand he’s loosely holding.
“What are we gonna do now?” Jongdae asks and looks at Baekhyun.
“I don’t know.” Baekhyun answers with a small smile and a glint of hope in his eyes. “Whatever makes us happy.” He shrugs as he adds.
Jongdae chuckles and holds onto him tighter.
pairing: Baekhyun/Chen
genre: au, really light angst, romance
rating: pg-13
warnings: brief mention of alcohol influence
word count: 6676 words
summary: Jongdae’s not sure if Baekhyun just wants to get back together or if he just really needs a place to stay at.
notes: aka that one fic with a million typos i had to fix cries :c written for the lovely bcnf3nf for the thedaelight fic exchange! ♥ title taken from the 1975's undo. more notes over at the original post over here (which had a million typos and grammatical errors!!)
“So,” Jongdae starts, hunched down on the couch with his elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped together. His skeptical stare darts back and forth from a fidgety Baekhyun to the luggage by his door.
“So,” Baekhyun repeats in reply, pursing his lips, staring at the light pink curtains with great interest. “I see you changed your curtains.” He nods his head as his gaze averts from Jongdae’s suspicious eyes.
Accepting the situation, Jongdae hangs his head down and sighs.
Baekhyun clears his throat and leans back further on the couch. He finally looks at Jongdae, with a pleading and embarrassed gaze. “Look, I sort of-”
“I know.” Jongdae breathes out. “You can stay here.”
As loud as Baekhyun seemed to be, it was actually frighteningly silent when it happened. The bed creaked every time Jongdae shifted, his throat dried up through the influx of emotions. He has never been an expert at breakups. He was too nice to breakup with someone, he was too nice to actually hurt someone by ending a relationship so he usually just sits around when it gets dysfunctional and waits for the unavoidable farewell. The only problem is that Jongdae hadn’t seen it coming, because he was so used to everything. It has always been Baekhyun and Jongdae, Jongdae and Baekhyun, one just can’t be without the other.
Jongdae had no idea what to do when it finally happened.
“I’m leaving.” Baekhyun almost whispered, his voiced seemed tired after all the shouted arguments and unflattering withheld sobs.
Jongdae thinks that there was probably more to that, but his mind was so fogged up that the remaining memories tore themselves up into vague fragments. It was a struggle to make any move, because he was afraid of what might come next - every word, every movement, might mend or break the thing that holds them together. He couldn’t make his hand hold onto the sleeves of Baekhyun’s sweater as he walks out of the door. He couldn’t scream and fight for the last glimpse of hope he caught in between Baekhyun’s tired gaze. His beating heart wouldn’t calm down for a second, raging and thrashing out of his own chest, but his limbs seem too weak to even flinch.
Jongdae didn’t want to admit it, but he was holding onto something that’s slipping right out of his grip bit by bit.
Jongdae didn’t want to admit it, but he was too tired to hold on any longer.
He felt utterly numb that time and all he could say was “Whatever makes you happy.” as Baekhyun steps one foot out of the door.
“So do we sleep on the same bed?” Baekhyun asks with humor in his tone, like it was no big deal to actually sleep on the same bed with his ex-boyfriend, as his eyes still avoid Jongdae’s own. He sits down on the bed so formally, no rolling around and messing up the covers unlike before, and it makes Jongdae build the newly formed walls between them a bit thicker.
Jongdae’s stuck in between a cringe and a laugh and a sigh as he groans incoherently by the entrance to their-his-room.
Baekhyun has a small, teasing smile on his face as he shrugs while going through his luggage.
“Do you need um,” Jongdae chokes on his own words, and clears his throat. He coughs a few times, and gives Baekhyun an angry stare when he sees the boy trying to stifle a laugh. He exhales, and musters a laugh through the seemingly awkward atmosphere. “I’m fine.” He says.
With familiar pieces of clothing scattered on the bed, Baekhyun bounces on the mattress as he shifts in his seat, kicking off the luggage that still has a few more stuff that needs to be unpacked. “I’m fine, too.” Baekhyun gives him a small smile.
Jongdae answers with an abrupt change of expression on his face, both the anxiety and nostalgia slowly creeps in. He tries to calmly remind himself to stop reading into things too much.
Baekhyun offers a small laugh through his timid smile. “I’m fine, I can unpack by myself.” He quietly clears it up through a small voice, then he busies himself by sorting out his clothes.
“We’re fine.” It comes out like an assumption rather than a declaration, and Jongdae feels as if he dove in too deep without any precaution.
Baekhyun doesn’t even flinch to look at Jongdae, appearing preoccupied with the luggage.
A week into post-breakup, Jongdae felt like checking himself into a mental institution every passing second. He was being so cynical and contradicting that it was just awfully irritating. He brag about how he found his own sense of freedom and how comfortable it was to live by himself, but would end up calling Chanyeol because the place seems too quiet and too big. He would rummage through the cabinets because the curtains they used to argue over are never quite the right color and it reminded Jongdae of his ex, but he would settle with light blue in the end, the color Baekhyun picked before he left. Kyungsoo would begrudgingly visit him for brunch, since Jongdae would wail on the phone about how he misses decently cooked meals, but in the end, the coffee and the pancakes still never taste the way they used to.
He was stuck in between days wherein he would have this undeniable urge to check up on Byun Baekhyun, and avoid going on every social networking site all at the same time. Jongdae was pretty much on the verge of going insane - avoiding all the things that remind him of Baekhyun, and realizing that he couldn’t go a day without remembering him because his habits, his interests, has a tiny part of the boy he once loved embedded into them.
Jongdae has no idea where to go. He has no idea what to say. He knows Baekhyun always has something to say, but it’s been small talk for the past few hours and it kills Jongdae bit by bit.
“This is so weird.” Jongdae mutters while they’re having a somewhat awkward dinner filled with slurping noises that makes the both of them feel undeniably uncomfortable.
Baekhyun pauses for a second, before launching his chopsticks onto the kimbap and devouring it in one bite. “It’s only weird if we make it weird.” he lectures with his mouth half-full.
Jongdae tries to look Baekhyun in the eyes, only to discover that he’s too busy trying to avoid eye contact this whole time. “It’s only weird if you still can’t look me in the eyes.”
An exhale escapes Baekhyun’s lips, his eyes carefully meeting Jongdae’s own. “It’s not weird.” he says, staring blankly as if he’s looking past Jongdae.
Jongdae raises an eyebrow as he chews. He finds himself leaning forward and pushing another piece of kimbap in front of Baekhyun’s mouth, trying to prove something but not entirely sure what that thing is.
Baekhyun hesitates for about a second before eating it.
Jongdae catches himself smiling and casually lowers the sides of his mouth with a cough. He thinks Baekhyun looks so dumb when he chews while trying to smile. “Not weird at all.” he declares, actually convincing himself rather than the slurping boy across the table.
A month into post-breakup, Jongdae was on the verge of going crazy when the doorbell suddenly rang. He took measured steps and skimmed through his mind to remember if he was expecting either Kyungsoo or Chanyeol today. He wasn’t expecting to see Byun Baekhyun on the doorway, with a luggage and awkward eye contact to match.
“Hi.” was what Baekhyun had said, trying not to sound awkward but failing to do so.
“Oh my god.” was what Jongdae had replied, with blinking eyes and a feverish face. “I mean, hey.” Jongdae corrected himself coolly.
“ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME?” Chanyeol slams the door open to see the pair clad in thin wife-beaters and printed boxers, lazily gobbling up takeout noodles on the couch. It’s been three days and Jongdae couldn’t be more relieved that things are starting to get less awkward than it was before. (And it also scares him at the same time, for reasons involving a small place in his heart where he tucks his old feelings.)
“Chanyeol-”
“WHY ARE YOU BACK TOGETHER?”
Baekhyun almost chokes, and sharply turns to face Jongdae. “Wait, are we together again?” He says like he was unsure of every single thing he ever knew.
“I did not tell him that we’re back together, I just told him you came back.” Jongdae sort of scoots further away from Baekhyun but he tries to defend himself nonetheless.
Chanyeol groans by the doorstep, feet stomping in frustration. “The both of you are so weird.” he exhales and raises both of his hands up. “I can’t take this-”
“Such a big deal.” Baekhyun fans himself sarcastically. He looks at Jongdae with a mischievous glint in his eyes, the upturned corners of his lips inviting Jongdae to get in on the joke.
Jongdae chuckles and relaxes onto the couch. “I’m getting so worked up about this.” Jongdae chimes in, dramatically flexing his shoulders as he glances at Chanyeol’s annoyed face.
“This is so weird.” Baekhyun adds with an extra sarcastic tone.
Jongdae pauses with his mouth open, his next attack suddenly gets stuck in his throat when he realizes that it is indeed kind of weird. It’s only been a few days, and here they are in their most comfortable clothes, eating take out Chinese food like they always did, as if everything was okay and there were no hard feelings and every reason why they broke up didn’t matter. He closes it after a few seconds of contemplation, staring into space.
“Yes, Baek. It is.” Chanyeol answers and leans on the doorframe. “And why did you guys forget about ordering one for me?” he lets himself in.
“That’s cool.” Chanyeol casually remarked without even sparing a glance at Baekhyun and Jongdae, too busy fumbling with his phone.
“I just said we’re together.” Baekhyun repeated, a hand on his hip as he stands in the middle of the living room after his big announcement. “Not just living together, like together together.”
Kyungsoo had seemed tired back then, and extra annoyed. It made Jongdae extra nervous, and make assumptions that their friends aren’t okay with them being a couple. The four of them have been inseparable ever since college and Jongdae had thought that falling in love with Baekhyun was way out of context - like it wasn’t part of the deal, like it would break something for the four of them if they ever end things between the two of them.
“Kyungsoo?” Jongdae had braved to speak to him the moment he sat next to Jongdae on the couch. Jongdae saw Baekhyun sneak a glance at the both of them, taking a quick break from arguing with Chanyeol over the movie they should watch.
“What?” Kyungsoo replied, his expression softened the moment he looked at Jongdae. He suddenly chuckled as he shook his head. “Look,” he says, smiling at Jongdae like he just played a joke on him. “I knew you two were together even before the both of you knew it yourselves.”
“Everyone knew.” Chanyeol added.
Baekhyun reacted quite hugely from what they said and threw senseless arguments. Jongdae heaved a big exhale from relief and felt utterly happy and contented.
It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, Jongdae has been working since morning, his fingers quickly tapping on the keyboard while his eyes blankly stared at the screen. Baekhyun still doesn’t get programming until now, so he didn’t bother Jongdae and just flipped through newspapers with scrutinizing eyes scanning the ads for vacant apartment units. Baekhyun told him he’d stay here for a week, and if he could stay true to his words then that would mean that he’d be leaving in three days. Jongdae sort of didn’t want that, and he mentally punches himself in the face for doing so.
“How did it feel when…” Baekhyun starts, out of the blue, while Jongdae’s lying face flat on the rug with his hands slightly twitching on top of his closed laptop.
“When what?” Jongdae replies, voice muffled by the fur. He starts to turn, to lie on his side so he could see Baekhyun’s face.
The older boy shifts on the couch, lying on his stomach to get a better look at Jongdae. “You know,” he shrugs, with a few noncommittal wiggly hand gestures to match.
Jongdae looks at him with narrowed eyes and Baekhyun gives him a look that makes Jongdae feel like he’s actually supposed to know what they’re talking about. “Are we talking about the first time we did it or are we talking about something else?” He bravely says the only thing that honestly comes up to his mind.
Baekhyun’s head falls down along with a groan. “No, we are not talking about that.” He says in between fits of laughter, his shoulders shaking slightly.
“Because it actually felt goddamn-”
“Jongdae.”
“I’m just saying.” Jongdae shrugs and lies on his back, noisily stretching to get rid of the tiredness. He uses his arms to pillow his head and he stares at Baekhyun with tired eyes.
“When we broke up.” Baekhyun continues, hiding half of his face underneath an arm, the other one dangling down the couch.
Jongdae exhales and he feels awake. It takes a few seconds before he says “I don’t know, I guess it felt like that one time when I was six years old and I was with my dad.”
It was a chilly November night, and Jongdae remembers persistently tagging along with his dad to buy some condiments at a nearby convenience store. He remembers it was probably because his dad would ride a motorbike and six-year-old Jongdae loved riding on motorbikes with his dad.
Little Jongdae was sitting on the sidewalk, sipping a small carton of flavored yogurt under the luminescence of a streetlight. Just as he finished his drink, the bell to the glass door of the convenience store rings too loudly in the quiet night. But it wasn’t his dad who came out of the store. It wasn’t his dad who came out after that, and even after that.
He felt this really ugly feeling inside of him, and it ate him up with every passing second. He stood on his toes to sneak a glance inside the convenience store, his stomach bubbling with raw panic and desperation swimming through his veins the moment he couldn’t seem to find his dad.
Jongdae even looked around him, checking every direction just to catch a glimpse of him. The panic rises up to his head as starts walking aimlessly, cluttering up his thoughts and formulating thousands of ‘what-ifs’ and worst case scenarios.
He felt so lost. He wanted to scream and yell for him, but his throat clogged up and his voice got lost somewhere in the evening silence. The anxiety drowns him inside and his eyes gradually start to blur with tears.
Then Jongdae felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder, pulling him back to reality that everything will be okay. His dad came back for him after a few minutes, worry in his eyes along with words of comfort and an apology on his lips.
Baekhyun came back after a month, pulling him back to the idea that everything might be okay, with an apology in his eyes and a few pieces of Jongdae’s hope at the tip of his fingertips.
Jongdae knew that Baekhyun had given up on finding an apartment once and for all. Baekhyun would usually be gone all day and come back before dinner, working at the advertising company in the morning and probably scouting for places he could stay at in the afternoon.
Recently, Baekhyun just came home in the afternoon, having movie and series marathons until it was time for dinner. Jongdae should complain about the freeloader in his place, but he doesn’t. He does complain when Baekhyun starts watching a show he doesn’t really like.
“I don’t even understand that.” Jongdae squints at the TV screen through his glasses, his feet resting on the tiny coffee table with his laptop balanced on his thighs.
Jongdae feels a piercing stare on the right side of his head.
“I’m just saying.” he shrugs as he hears an audible exhale. “You still watch that show?” Jongdae continues to pry and to push his buttons. “Like, until now? For real?”
“You never like anything I like.” Baekhyun revolts and ignores all his questions.
“Oh come on,” Jongdae breathes out, rolling his eyes and unconsciously shifting closer to Baekhyun on the couch. “Well, we both liked How I Met Your Mother.” he points out.
Baekhyun hums in contemplation. “We actually did.” He nods to himself, eyes still focused on the replay of Couples Therapy.
Jongdae nudges him. “I think we were almost like Barney and Ro-”
“Nope.” Baekhyun cuts through, not sparing him a single glance.
“Marshall and Lily?”
Baekhyun hums again, but still answers “Nope.”
Jongdae exhales. “Okay, Ted an-”
“Nope.” Baekhyun replies without a second thought. “Besides, all the people you mentioned ended up with each other. We broke up, Jongdae.” he shrugs as he explains, his lips pouting into a controlled frown.
“Fine then.” Jongdae ended the argument, perhaps a little too defensively. He takes the laptop off his lap and places it on the coffee table, perhaps with too much force than necessary.
Baekhyun scoots further and looks at Jongdae. “What are you so worked up about?”
“What? Nothing.” Jongdae glances at him once, and proceeds to sulk.
With a sigh, Baekhyun shifts in his seat, slumping further into the couch. “You liked that show way too much.”
Jongdae’s eyebrows meet and he retorts “What does that even mean?”
“Nothing,” Baekhyun answers, rolling his eyes. “You’re just really hung up on it, that’s all.” he argues with a set of hand gestures.
Jongdae moves his limbs to face Baekhyun and sits cross legged on top of the couch. “I am not really hung up on it.”
“You are.” Baekhyun looks at the TV screen.
“What? No.”
“Why do you keep on disagreeing with me?” Baekhyun’s voice is louder, and they’re now facing each other.
“You know you started it!” Jongdae’s reply was his very own hybrid of a shout and a whine. He feels a strain on his neck and he suddenly becomes aware that he’s leaning a bit too close to Baekhyun’s face.
They pause for about a half a minute, surprised eyes scanning each other’s faces and looking for subtle hints that should give them a clue about what to do next. Suddenly, Jongdae exhales and says “Now I know why you like that show so much.” head titling to the broadcast of Couples Therapy.
Three days into post-breakup, Jongdae woke up every day with the undeniable urge to order a whole box of pizza and eat it by himself while watching stupid Couple’s Therapy reruns on his TV.
A week into post-breakup is when Chanyeol starts bringing pints of ice cream with a variety of flavors and Jongdae couldn’t be more thankful even though Kyungsoo always reminded him of how ugly and fat he would be and how he would be judged by Baekhyun if he happens to run into him one day. Jongdae always rolled his eyes at Kyungsoo.
Nowadays, Jongdae would wake up to bubblegum pop songs blasting through the speakers, accompanied by the sound of manic footsteps and the smell of warm coffee with too much cream. Baekhyun had started cooking for the both of them when his one week mark had passed by silently, Jongdae hadn’t talked to him about overstaying. The smell of breakfast usually filled his place at about six in the morning, a few hours too early for Jongdae. But he’d get up much quickly than before, just so he could check whether his tiny kitchen is still organized and clean and safe and fire-less.
“Need any help?” Jongdae yawns, leaning on the kitchen counter for balance as he drowsily stares at the thick pancake mix on the frying pan.
“I’m good.” Baekhyun runs his gaze at him from head to toe, gradually bringing his gaze back up at Jongdae’s boxers. “You need any help with that?”
Jongdae looks down and finds a bulge in his boxers greeting him good morning. Something that’s in between a chuckle and snort escapes his mouth. “You up for it?” he teases as he slowly closes in on the space between them.
Baekhyun stifles a laugh under his breath, then quickly puts on a serious façade, the spatula on his hand raised sternly. “Jongdae,” he warns.
And there it comes, for the first time in weeks, Jongdae laughs. It’s not the kind of laugh that comes casually and lasts for a few seconds, it’s the kind of laugh that bubbles up a tinge of genuine happiness that could fuel someone throughout the day. Jongdae laughs as he closes in on Baekhyun, pressing his body against the thin boy’s side, his arms enveloping Baekhyun into a loose hug. Jongdae doesn’t know if it’s because of the scrumptious smell of pancakes, or because he woke up on the right side of the bed, but he feels giddy inside out. He doesn’t care if he’s breaking the barriers, but maybe he wants to, just this once.
There’s a piercing scream that took over the entirety of the place, which then transitioned into fits of bubbly laughter erupting from the kitchen.
Today, Jongdae had breakfast with a slob of thick pancake mix entangled in his hair.
Jongdae fell for Baekhyun the first time they slept together.
Fresh out of college with their own paychecks from their stable jobs, the four of them went on a vacation when the holidays came up. Jongdae remembered Chanyeol ignoring him when he told them that it was going to rain, Kyungsoo being extra cranky because they had to leave early (and because he had to drive), and Baekhyun insisting they’d get a room by pair rather than squeezing themselves into one room.
Jongdae couldn’t remember how it happened but he just ended up rooming with Baekhyun and it was actually no big deal. It started turning into a big deal when it stormed around midnight, the kind that had thunder and lightning and everything a kid would fear if they’re alone at home.
“Move.” Baekhyun was suddenly shaking him awake while he hugged his own pillow to his chest.
“God, what do you want?” Jongdae said in an irritated and raspy voice. He groaned a few times before surrendering and scooting over to make some space for Baekhyun. Jongdae heard the wind howling angrily outside as he turned to face Baekhyun who was making himself comfortable beside him. The bed seemed too small for them and Jongdae suddenly felt his heart through his chest the moment he realized how close they are.
“What?” His eyebrows met. “Go to sleep.” He told Jongdae. Jongdae saw Baekhyun flinch every time the rain pelted too strongly against the glass window by the bed he was supposed to be sleeping in.
“Are you scared?” Jongdae asked and shifted on the bed, placing an arm under his pillow.
Baekhyun scoffed. “No, I’m not.” The rain knocks hard on the glass window and he flinched again. “I just don’t want to die in my sleep.”
Jongdae wanted to tell him that the window wasn’t going to break into pieces because of the thunder storm. He wanted to reassure him that if it did break while he was sleeping on his own bed right by the window, the broken glass would probably just cut him and that would be it. Baekhyun was overreacting, it wouldn’t kill him. “Come on,” Jongdae started. “Stop finding excuses to sleep with me.” Jongdae had said instead, a drowsy smile on his face.
Baekhyun snorted at him, and that was the last thing Jongdae remembers before he fell asleep.
Jongdae woke up to a hint of sunshine and clear skies through the glass window by the empty bed, and to a sleeping Baekhyun. Jongdae could have just untangled himself from Baekhyun’s limbs, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to wake him up, because Jongdae saw Baekhyun in a different light for the very first time. And maybe Jongdae was just finding excuses to stay close to him a little longer. He knew that from that day on, he had to keep finding excuses.
Jongdae finds Baekhyun lying a bit too close to him on the bed. They have been taking turns on the bed and the couch, so that it’s fair. Besides, the couch was actually comfortable and Baekhyun has always had the habit of falling asleep on movies. (Jongdae woke up one night to the sound of a snoring Baekhyun and Mean Girls coming from the living room.)
“This is so weird.” Jongdae whispers against the strands of Baekhyun’s hair, his arm already feeling the weight. Baekhyun just plunged into the bed without any warning, and landed on Jongdae’s poor arm.
“You’re weird.” Baekhyun retorts with no sense, thrashing his legs to get a lucky kick at Jongdae’s shin. Jongdae puts up a fight until he hooks his leg over Baekhyun’s, a sense of victory washing over him.
“You are not allowed to watch horror movies before sleeping ever again.” Jongdae leaned back to look at Baekhyun in the eyes, he tries not to appear too loving, or too caring. Baekhyun makes it easier to do so by rolling his eyes at Jongdae in reply.
“Just go to sleep,” he says. “I’ll go back to the couch when I’m fine.” Baekhyun sounds sleepy.
Jongdae hums and retrieves his arm under Baekhyun, placing his hand under his pillow. “Or you could just sleep here.” He says, no longer afraid or uncomfortable when it comes to looking at Baekhyun in the eyes. “For tonight.” He adds dumbly.
Baekhyun’s eyes were struggling to keep themselves open as his breathing slows down and evens out. “God, Jongdae,” he mutters under a sigh, and he shifts a little closer. “Stop trying to sleep with me.” He slurs before giving him a small laugh.
Jongdae rests his arm just above Baekhyun’s torso, and he feels awake with a thousand thoughts inside his head. He pulls Baekhyun a little bit closer, but not too close enough to feel his stupid raging heartbeat.
Baekhyun never had an outrageous drinking habit, he just got a bit braver when he drinks like most people.
When they were in college and Baekhyun got drunk, he almost kissed Chanyeol and told him that he’d go out with him if he wasn’t an asshole. When they went out one weekend and Baekhyun got drunk, he got into a really personal fight with Kyungsoo - the kind of fight that only involved talking with a brutally honest tongue, no fists or leg kicks involved - and it took them two weeks to make up.
When they were sort of together but not quite yet and Baekyun got drunk, he told Jongdae how much he really liked him and how he wants to just move in with him so they could be together all the time. Jongdae almost told Baekhyun that he loves him, but he didn’t. He waited for Baekhyun to sober up, because he wanted it to be crystal clear in Baekhyun’s memory.
Baekhyun wasn’t drunk but he actually laughed for a long, harsh minute before he said “Well, what took you so long?”
The moment Baekhyun arrives with a bottle of soju, Jongdae senses that he must have had a really tough day at work. Baekhyun rarely finds his work hard, so it must have been really bad. Jongdae tells him that they should talk about it after dinner.
It was really bad. Baekhyun talked for two and a half hours straight about their new creative director and how much of an asshole he seems to be, downing shots of soju as if it’s plain water. Jongdae just listened through it all, slipping in an occasional “Really?” and “Are you serious?” when he gets the chance.
And then Baekhyun stops talking. He stares into space.
“Um, Baekhyun?” Jongdae looks at him. It’s as if he just completely spaced out all of a sudden, and anxiety grows inside Jongdae’s mind. This is usually the part where Baekhyun starts being outrageously honest and brave. Jongdae doesn’t know if he’s ready for what Baekhyun’s going to say to him.
Baekhyun calmly puts down his glass on the coffee table and runs his hands through his hair. He hangs his head down and says “I missed you.”
And that’s all it takes to turn Jongdae into an emotional mess. “Stop,” Jongdae replies a little too sharply. “you’re drunk.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you a-”
“We both know I’m not that drunk.” Baekhyun cuts him off with a louder voice. Baekhyun looks at him, his shoulders slump down and his eyes are searching for something.
Jongdae’s mentally contradicting himself. He could, but he shouldn’t. He can, but he shouldn’t. He should, he should, he should - so he says “I missed you too.” as quietly as possible and he knows deep down that he’s accepting defeat.
Baekhyun leans forward too quickly and too close, close enough to clumsily bump his nose against Jongdae’s and to kiss him with no hesitation. Jongdae’s surprised, not because of the sudden kiss, but because Baekhyun’s kissing him like he never did before. He feels the armrest at the back of his head and a pillow under his back and it confuses Jongdae as to how much force did Baekhyun use to make him fall onto his back. Jongdae feels the familiar touch of long, thin fingers under his shirt and he feels himself leaning into the kiss a little too eagerly. He wonders how many times Baekhyun should bite his bottom lip tonight to make him fall apart completely. He tries to find a way to stop sneaking in his own gasps in between their kiss, but he fails to do so.
Jongdae tastes so much need and a tinge of regret on Baekhyun’s lips that something inside him breaks.
Jongdae should pull away, but he couldn’t. Baekhyun has one knee on the couch and one foot on the floor as he towers over Jongdae; he has one hand on the armrest and the other holds onto the hem of Jongdae’s shirt. He leaves subtle bruises on Jongdae’s neck down to his clavicles. Jongdae should really pull away, but he can’t.
As if Baekhyun has read his mind, he stops. He unlatches himself off, his hair an angry mess and his cheeks flushed. Jongdae could feel his heartbeat in his ears as Baekhyun just breathes there. He just breathes, but Jongdae revels at the sight before him. And he shouldn’t. Jongdae shouldn’t. He shouldn’t, because Baekhyun doesn’t taste like need and regret. Baekhyun tastes like mint candy, and soju, and a mistake that is about to happen.
So Jongdae sits himself up. “Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun looks at him with panic-stricken eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t-”
Jongdae pulls him into a hug, cautiously and hesitantly. A tired and heavy exhale escapes Jongdae’s mouth, and he tries to clear his head. They stay like that for a moment, Baekhyun’s hand clutching the fabric of his shirt and his head resting on his shoulder. “Let’s just talk about it.” He says, and he feels Baekhyun breathing long and even breaths.
Baekhyun didn’t talk.
Jongdae knows that Baekhyun would fall asleep, but he doesn’t know what to feel about it the moment it actually happens.
Jongdae was completely sure that he liked Baekhyun first, so he was completely off guard when Baekhyun was the one who kissed him first.
They were both on their way to Kyungsoo’s place for New Year’s Eve, clinging onto each other because it was ridiculously cold that Jongdae could see Baekhyun’s breath whenever he cracked a dumb joke. There was something off about Baekhyun that night, and Jongdae just couldn’t figure it out. But when Baekhyun suddenly pulled him by brute force and tugged at his scarf, Jongdae knew there was definitely something off about Baekhyun that night - because Baekhyun had his lips against Jongdae’s for about ten seconds and then Baekhyun just let him go like nothing ever happened.
Baekhyun started to walk and Jongdae shouted “What was that for?”
“There was a mistletoe!” He replied without looking at Jongdae.
“It’s New Year’s Eve.” Jongdae told him as a matter-of-factly as he caught to up to Baekhyun, already turning around the corner, a few steps away from Kyungsoo’s.
Baekhyun ignored him until Kyungsoo greeted them at the doorstep. He acted like nothing happened, and Jongdae spent his New Year’s Eve somewhat frustrated and confused.
Jongdae wakes up at five in the morning, and reflects on his life for about thirty minutes after staring at a sleeping Baekhyun on the couch. He sits on top of his kitchen counter, a glass of ice cold water in one hand, and the hair on the back of his head in the other. Jongdae ponders about a lot of things. He thinks about the things could have said that might have kept them together. He thinks about their differences that tore them apart. He thinks about the way it felt to kiss Baekhyun again after a long time, and how he couldn’t pull away immediately.
He avoids glancing at the drooling boy on couch because doing so just makes his intestines twist and his heart disintegrate into a thousand pieces.
Baekhyun clears his throat. “Good morning.” he greets with a raspy voice, and with footsteps as unsure as his tone.
Jongdae almost jumps in surprise. He wasn’t done thinking about what to say to Baekhyun the moment he wakes up. He wasn’t done thinking about what he wants to do and where he wants this thing to go. “Hey.” Jongdae replies, his legs dangling off the counter. He glances at the wall clock and realizes he’s been contemplating for more than an hour already.
Baekhyun has his eyes on the floor. “So,”
“So?”
Baekhyun stands in front of him, his hands on his waist and his shoulders slumping as he sighs. “I’m just,” he starts and looks at his side, eyes avoiding Jongdae. “Really sorry for last night, I mean I wasn’t even that drunk but I guess I just got so emotional?” he stares blankly at Jongdae’s dangling feet, his lips resting into a pout as he blinks. “And brave.” he adds and nods at himself.
“You’re sorry for what happened?” It was supposed to be a mere thought in his head but Jongdae felt the words flying out of his mouth without any precaution, and it catches the both of them off guard.
Baekhyun finally looks at him, but his gaze still flickers everywhere, a bit confused and frustrated at the same time. “Should I not be?” his voice sounds strained, and his gaze lingers at Jongdae’s face.
“I don’t know.” Jongdae shrugs and it was his turn to look at every inch of his place just to avoid Baekhyun’s stare. “I guess I just thought you still felt something.” He hops off the counter and leans his back on it.
“What if I did?” He’s staring right at Jongdae, his posture straightens and his tone comes off demanding and with a tinge of bubbling anger. The tension between them grows evident through the dead silence.
“I don’t know.” Jongdae shrugs again.
“Stop telling me that you don’t know.” Baekhyun almost yells, and Jongdae can tell that something just snapped within him.
“It’s not that easy.” Jongdae didn’t mean to be as loud as Baekhyun. “It has never been easy, from the moment you walked out of that door and came back a month later as if you’re trying to just fuck up what’s left of my feelings.”
Baekhyun doesn’t move an inch and just stares at Jongdae with a tense expression that seems too familiar.
“I’m not saying that I don’t want you here, or that I’m just being hypocritically nice and I’ve actually hated you all this time. It’s wrong and it sucks but I want you here because I actually missed you.” Jongdae didn’t mean to make it worse.
Every inch of Baekhyun suddenly dims and his glazed eyes seem to be somewhere in between upset and unsettled. The silence is excruciatingly painful and the ticking of the clock seems louder than ever as the both of them are still searching for the right words to say.
An exhausted exhale breaks the silence, and Jongdae calms himself down. “Shit, I don’t know, I’m sorry.”
“You’re apologizing for missing me?”
Jongdae shakes his head. “I’m apologizing for this.” He gestures to his sides, because he’s so sorry for so much things that he just wants to apologize for everything. Jongdae doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s tired.
Baekhyun’s arms are crossed, his shoulders are still slumped as if they’ve been too tired from carrying something too heavy. “I’m sorry for actually missing you too.”
Jongdae has no idea what to feel, and ends up chuckling with just tiny pinch of humor. He just missed Baekhyun so, so much.
“We’re idiots aren’t we?” Baekhyun slips the words through a breathy laugh.
“So what are you gonna do now?” Kyungsoo asked, after hanging up on Jongdae through the phone when he told him that Baekhyun had broken up with him and arriving at his place fifteen minutes later. Kyungsoo immediately demanded him to skip the emotional outburst and just tell him the whole story.
Jongdae laughed and shrugged. “I don’t know.” It was the kind of laugh that tasted too bitter on his mouth.
They’re sitting on the couch.
Baekhyun breathes out before carefully leaning his head on Jongdae’s shoulder and Jongdae just lets him - because Baekhyun just barged back in to Jongdae’s life without any warning. Maybe because of that one night Baekhyun was too scared to sleep alone on the couch. Probably because he likes to disturb him while Baekhyun cooks breakfast. Because he couldn’t pull away when Baekhyun kissed him.
Jongdae lightly places his hand on top of Baekhyun’s, their fingers shyly meeting each other, and Baekhyun lets him.
“So,” Jongdae starts to suck on his lower lip.
“So,” Baekhyun echoes, and fits his fingers through the spaces of the hand he’s loosely holding.
“What are we gonna do now?” Jongdae asks and looks at Baekhyun.
“I don’t know.” Baekhyun answers with a small smile and a glint of hope in his eyes. “Whatever makes us happy.” He shrugs as he adds.
Jongdae chuckles and holds onto him tighter.