Self doubt

[quirkytizzy]

So sometimes the internal monologue responds like this:

OTHER PERSON: You're so pretty!
ME: Thanks! internally: It's all just makeup and angles. It's fake.

OTHER PERSON: You're so smart!
ME: Thanks! internally: It's all just surface material I get skimming headlines. It's fake.

OTHER PERSON: You're so compassionate!
ME: Thanks! internally: I

Comments

[eyelid]

So instead of being abusive to yourself, activate the nurturing, protective part of yourself. When you hear yourself start to be abusive, stand up for yourself, as if you were championing someone else - a vulnerable person going through a hard time. Demand that the unfair, abusive part of yourself be fair. Point out all the things it is ignoring.

Because you are ignoring things, and being unfair. It doesn't matter how much news you do or do not read, what you do or do not study; the fact is that you are of above average intelligence. You're also obviously not terrible, because if you were you wouldn't give a fuck about it. Etc.

Additionally, you are being unfair to yourself in that you are ignoring your actual, physical limitations, none of which are your fault. If I decide that I'm a bad person because I "waste time" sleeping at night instead of doing "productive" things, exactly how fair is that? I don't have a CHOICE about sleeping at night. It doesn't make any sense for me to conclude that in order to be worthy/good I need to do things that it is physically impossible for me to do.

Or mentally impossible. I am ADHD, and for a very long time I just believed I was "lazy" for not getting things done like everyone else. Now I am medicated and I CAN get stuff done like everyone else. and I DO! It was never my work ethic or ANYTHING I could control that was impairing me. I had set a standard for myself that I was simply incapable of meeting for medical reasons.

And SO ARE YOU, for yourself. You are doing the best you can with the cards you've been dealt. If you could do more, you would. At times when you could, you did. Right now you can't. That doesn't make you bad, or unworthy. You are just a person with more limitations on what you can do at this time than an average person. Your limitations are as valid as anyone else's. You're not "unworthy" for failing to do things you simply cannot physically/mentally do right now than I am for not being able to stay awake forever.

One thing that has helped me with this is consciously correcting my writing. I used to write all the bad things without being fair at all. I thought that was just "venting" it all. But what it was actually doing was cementing those ideas in my head as true. So now I do not do that. I am FAIR to myself, understanding, empathetic, whenever I write. That doesn't mean I just give myself a pass when I actually do something wrong. But most of the time I'm not doing anything WRONG. I am just not "meeting" an impossible standard of perfection. And I know that standard is impossible when I think about it.

In general, I am a human being trying to do my best. I'm not going to succeed 100% of the time. I now consciously give myself space for that. If I find myself starting to get down on myself, I fire up in my own defense to argue against the unfair standards I'm starting to impose. I do picture myself as defending a child against their mean parent. (Some people say to imagine donald trump is saying those negative things to you.)

For instance, if someone says you're pretty, and you find yourself thinking "it's all fake", actively get mad at that mean-spirited thought. Think/write/say "no, fuck that sideways. of course I'm not the most beautiful person on earth, there is literally only one person who is. That doesn't mean I'm not pretty. Pretty is a bizarre construct anyway, what does that even mean? It's entirely subjective and it's not like people who aren't considered "pretty" are less "good". But to the extent that it even matters, people DO tend to find me attractive, I do just fine." And that is the real truth.

If you work on actively, deliberately defending yourself against these negative thoughts, it can really help. Remember, you're not "cutting yourself slack" or "ignoring" anything by doing that. You are being FAIR. The way you are thinking of yourself right now is NOT fair. It's purely negative, so unfairly negative that it would literally be considered toxic and abusive if someone else were doing it to you. It's only one side of the story. There's a lot more to it, and if you think about it, you'll see that.