(no subject)
sooo... douglas has gone on home to good old merrimack new hampshire. and im happy that im not the one going back to that hole. i was so so ready to get out of there. ive gained so much appreciation for arizona, like day by day, and i seriously love it more than i thought i could. i love the nature here. and the storms here are spectacular. driving home from the canyon, we were in the middle of a lightning storm for two hours. it felt like some kind of miracle happening all around me. i dont even have any words to explain it. it was just fucking insanely incredible. that works.
our visit went over-all.. decent, considering i hadnt a clue of what i should expect. the highlights were based around the fun that we had when we were with my dad, although.. when we were alone and trying to entertain one another occasionally went pretty sour... but, none of that really matters to me. i just get so sick of the petty nonesense between the two of us. ive agreed with myself... that this whole visit thing was a test to see how the both of us can act underpressure, when it comes to the distances between us. i care deeply for him, more than ever, but in a completely different sense than ever before.. my bond has tightened its strings, even though i know at times i'm reluctant to admit it. and im okay with the thought that things could... could not work out... atleast until we've spread our wings and attempt tp accomplish everything were meant to do. and... its finally my time to start. i just feel that i have so much more to offer, and that being with someone such as doug, whos been in my life for many years amongst other people, and everything else that comes with.. living... it just doesnt feel the same anymore.. at all. and its completely understandable now. and im glad that i can walk away from another closed chapter in my life, positively. ive grown up a lot in this past year. more than ive realized until now. i know that im making the right decisions. all i can hope is that doug will be okay, and make the right choices for himself.
oh and also my dad just rocks for being so hospitable and understanding. and that was expected as always.
on that note...
is been nice having other things to do other than being on this computer.
and
if you've never been to the grand canyon, i highly suggest that you do.
its just... awe inspiring.
im so anxious to go back
our visit went over-all.. decent, considering i hadnt a clue of what i should expect. the highlights were based around the fun that we had when we were with my dad, although.. when we were alone and trying to entertain one another occasionally went pretty sour... but, none of that really matters to me. i just get so sick of the petty nonesense between the two of us. ive agreed with myself... that this whole visit thing was a test to see how the both of us can act underpressure, when it comes to the distances between us. i care deeply for him, more than ever, but in a completely different sense than ever before.. my bond has tightened its strings, even though i know at times i'm reluctant to admit it. and im okay with the thought that things could... could not work out... atleast until we've spread our wings and attempt tp accomplish everything were meant to do. and... its finally my time to start. i just feel that i have so much more to offer, and that being with someone such as doug, whos been in my life for many years amongst other people, and everything else that comes with.. living... it just doesnt feel the same anymore.. at all. and its completely understandable now. and im glad that i can walk away from another closed chapter in my life, positively. ive grown up a lot in this past year. more than ive realized until now. i know that im making the right decisions. all i can hope is that doug will be okay, and make the right choices for himself.
oh and also my dad just rocks for being so hospitable and understanding. and that was expected as always.
on that note...
is been nice having other things to do other than being on this computer.
and
if you've never been to the grand canyon, i highly suggest that you do.
its just... awe inspiring.
im so anxious to go back