my sorrows they learned to swim
Tonight things look pretty crappy in every direction. I know there are ways of looking at my life that are less pessimistic but it would take way too much effort to get myself to examine those points of view right now, and it would take more strength than I possess to get myself to believe any of it.
I'm not sure how to proceed. If I work to keep it together I'll continue to just put one foot in front of the other in this same foolish direction. If I don't, if I fall apart... I don't know what happens. I've done it before, but the benefit of experience is completely counteracted by the weight of 'I'm too old for this' and 'I should have learned my lessons before'. I want to be capable of keeping it together and with a little more effort manage to change course. It's what I want to believe but I don't thinks it's true. I don't know whether the problem is I'm not capable, or whether I'm keeping the wrong thing together, or just expecting a little effort to pay off when in reality it takes a lot more. Probably all of the above.
I'm not sure how to proceed. If I work to keep it together I'll continue to just put one foot in front of the other in this same foolish direction. If I don't, if I fall apart... I don't know what happens. I've done it before, but the benefit of experience is completely counteracted by the weight of 'I'm too old for this' and 'I should have learned my lessons before'. I want to be capable of keeping it together and with a little more effort manage to change course. It's what I want to believe but I don't thinks it's true. I don't know whether the problem is I'm not capable, or whether I'm keeping the wrong thing together, or just expecting a little effort to pay off when in reality it takes a lot more. Probably all of the above.