all i can do now is laugh
what the hell happned to me? ive turned into that kid that all your parents warn you about. the one who is a "bad influence". you know the one who always tried to convince you to steal some kids toy or burn ants with a magnifine glass. i didnt even see it happening to me. ive gotten pretty good at being destructive if i do say so myself. its been one of my favorite hobbies for around 3 or 4 years now. but of course nothing is ever my fault its always what someone else made me do. right? ive been lying to myself for way to long now. im a fucked up kid with a fucked up head just waiting to end up dead someday.
i cant do it anymore i cant take it anymore. im a walking dissapointment. ill look like im doing better for a couple months but i cant resist. its like something drawing me closer and closer to trouble. i think i thrive off of it. but my screw ups are always interesting and in the end how dont even know how the hell they usually happend. my latest one being the biggest and best of them all. if i was proud of my destruction and misconscrewed thinking process i would be so happy to know that i had succefully pulled off my biggest screw up yet. but im not. ive never felt so alone and judged. even when people say they care i cant help but think how theyll leave or betray or ignore me.
i hope that every morning i just wont wake up and have to deal with the reality ive created for myself. i try and laugh it off but its too serious. other people can but then again they didnt let this happen. i can see the pain ive enflicted in others espescially my family. the scary thing is that ive been down so many similar roads. i start to spiral out of control until people get scared and cant take it anymore and then i relize im sorry and do better until it happnes again.
i have a problem with myself and i think that maybe... just maybe i have another problem too. others may not find it that big of a secret but its a secret ive been keeping from myself for sometime and i have no choice but to see it for what it is now.
maybe tonight i will be able to fall asleep and just keep sleeping and sleeping until i just never wake back up but of course...it sounds lovely and all but its not the answer. my selfish ways will proove themselves again even in death and i will be forced to live the legacy of the chick that killed herself. oh what fun that would be. it would be a much easier of course but only for me. maybe ive silenty been trying to kill myself for a very long time and didnt realize it at all or maybe i did but was too ashamed to admit it. my mother tells me i will end up like ryan. maybe she wants too or maybe shes just so freaking scared of me she doesnt know what else to say.
enough of my rambling and whining of how pathetic i am i think that you all must have realized that already but i will always keep a smile on my face thats the way i should be. youre actually are happier when you pretending.
i cant do it anymore i cant take it anymore. im a walking dissapointment. ill look like im doing better for a couple months but i cant resist. its like something drawing me closer and closer to trouble. i think i thrive off of it. but my screw ups are always interesting and in the end how dont even know how the hell they usually happend. my latest one being the biggest and best of them all. if i was proud of my destruction and misconscrewed thinking process i would be so happy to know that i had succefully pulled off my biggest screw up yet. but im not. ive never felt so alone and judged. even when people say they care i cant help but think how theyll leave or betray or ignore me.
i hope that every morning i just wont wake up and have to deal with the reality ive created for myself. i try and laugh it off but its too serious. other people can but then again they didnt let this happen. i can see the pain ive enflicted in others espescially my family. the scary thing is that ive been down so many similar roads. i start to spiral out of control until people get scared and cant take it anymore and then i relize im sorry and do better until it happnes again.
i have a problem with myself and i think that maybe... just maybe i have another problem too. others may not find it that big of a secret but its a secret ive been keeping from myself for sometime and i have no choice but to see it for what it is now.
maybe tonight i will be able to fall asleep and just keep sleeping and sleeping until i just never wake back up but of course...it sounds lovely and all but its not the answer. my selfish ways will proove themselves again even in death and i will be forced to live the legacy of the chick that killed herself. oh what fun that would be. it would be a much easier of course but only for me. maybe ive silenty been trying to kill myself for a very long time and didnt realize it at all or maybe i did but was too ashamed to admit it. my mother tells me i will end up like ryan. maybe she wants too or maybe shes just so freaking scared of me she doesnt know what else to say.
enough of my rambling and whining of how pathetic i am i think that you all must have realized that already but i will always keep a smile on my face thats the way i should be. youre actually are happier when you pretending.