(no subject)
I have a lot of things on my mind right now.
I was just thinking about my situation with Devin and how I want things to work out. So far, they are going well. Friendship with him is difficult but at the same time it is so easy. I think that the only time that I find it really hard is when it is just him and I hanging out together. Like tonight, I was singing him the song that I have been practicing for the band and it just makes it hard because I love to share things like that with him all the time. And he seemed so happy for me and he wanted to be a part of it like going to the band practice and helping me write a good melody for the chorus, but at the same time I want to keep my guard up. Because I'm not going to fall back to square one with him like I have so many times. But I want to spend time with him because he is the one person that knows how to make me feel the best about myself. He always knows just what to say to make me feel good and I love him for that. I guess the situation is just a fucking fuck.
Solution?
Well, since I don't want to miss out on a friendship I'm just going to make sure that things stay along friendship lines. And I'm not going to think of all the good things because that will only make it worse! I can do it. AND I know that he wants to be my friend and just stay in that spot, so since we are both on the right track then I guess we just might me ok.
Another thing that I'm dreading is the part when him and I date other people. Somebody has got to do it first and as selfish as this sounds, I hope that it is me. But if Devin does meet a girl before me, or even after me, I am promising myself to not make it a situation where his new girlfriend feels a tension with me. Because I know how that feels and it sucks. I mean, there is gonna come a time where her and I meet and I would rather make it a situation that is comfortable for both of us. Because I know for a fact that it isn't going to be comfortable for her to be hanging out with me and I know that it won't be for me, but if I make an effort to show her that it is ok and ok to date Devin then hopefully things will be good. Because I know how it feels to be hated or disliked. And it is definitely not a good feeling at all. There were so many times when I ran into Linnea and I was so nervous because I knew that she hated me, and even now if I run into her I get butterflies because I feel this energy that just makes me want to vomit. And I definitely don't want anyone to feel like that.
And I have been thinking about my dad lately and how sad it is that it has been a week and both him nor I have tried to call each other. But I just feel like I can't forgive him. Not right now anyway. I'm tired of the drama. And it is all because we really don't know each other. But a part of me says that it is just too late. There are so many things and it takes so much time and I just feel drained from it all. I want to cry
I was just thinking about my situation with Devin and how I want things to work out. So far, they are going well. Friendship with him is difficult but at the same time it is so easy. I think that the only time that I find it really hard is when it is just him and I hanging out together. Like tonight, I was singing him the song that I have been practicing for the band and it just makes it hard because I love to share things like that with him all the time. And he seemed so happy for me and he wanted to be a part of it like going to the band practice and helping me write a good melody for the chorus, but at the same time I want to keep my guard up. Because I'm not going to fall back to square one with him like I have so many times. But I want to spend time with him because he is the one person that knows how to make me feel the best about myself. He always knows just what to say to make me feel good and I love him for that. I guess the situation is just a fucking fuck.
Solution?
Well, since I don't want to miss out on a friendship I'm just going to make sure that things stay along friendship lines. And I'm not going to think of all the good things because that will only make it worse! I can do it. AND I know that he wants to be my friend and just stay in that spot, so since we are both on the right track then I guess we just might me ok.
Another thing that I'm dreading is the part when him and I date other people. Somebody has got to do it first and as selfish as this sounds, I hope that it is me. But if Devin does meet a girl before me, or even after me, I am promising myself to not make it a situation where his new girlfriend feels a tension with me. Because I know how that feels and it sucks. I mean, there is gonna come a time where her and I meet and I would rather make it a situation that is comfortable for both of us. Because I know for a fact that it isn't going to be comfortable for her to be hanging out with me and I know that it won't be for me, but if I make an effort to show her that it is ok and ok to date Devin then hopefully things will be good. Because I know how it feels to be hated or disliked. And it is definitely not a good feeling at all. There were so many times when I ran into Linnea and I was so nervous because I knew that she hated me, and even now if I run into her I get butterflies because I feel this energy that just makes me want to vomit. And I definitely don't want anyone to feel like that.
And I have been thinking about my dad lately and how sad it is that it has been a week and both him nor I have tried to call each other. But I just feel like I can't forgive him. Not right now anyway. I'm tired of the drama. And it is all because we really don't know each other. But a part of me says that it is just too late. There are so many things and it takes so much time and I just feel drained from it all. I want to cry