for those of you that are wondering...
the past 28 hours have been extremely hard.
yesterday afternoon, andrew and liz's mom passed away. for those of you who knew her, she was an amazing person who was dearly loved by her family and friends. i feel relatively useless, seeing as andrew and liz are staying at their cousin's house right now. i've cried about it, but other than that i don't know what to do with myself. i just wish i could be with them right now.
unfortunately, that's not the only thing that's going on.
yesterday i heard some rumors that were confirmed today. someone who made my life hell for a few years, to the point where he threatened my job up at camp, will be let back into the organization i belong to. it's a little hard to handle, not only because he's coming back but also because of who invited him to come back: people who i thought were my friends. it's a lot to handle, and it will be very hard when i see him next month at a recognition dinner. i think you'll need a heated knife to cut the tension in the room, but we'll see.
and then, last night when i was coming home from the meeting where i heard aforementioned rumors, something happened that only added insult to injury. if i don't tell you what happened, don't worry about it.
then i got home and expected support from someone, only to be blindly dismissed. i went for a walk and called a bunch of people. i am not mad at them. they were either busy or not picking up their phones, and at 11 pm at night i understand that some people are asleep. i also understand that people are busy, which is why there are certain people i didn't call. after walking around for a while, i ended up sitting on the bench outside my house with my knees pulled up under an umbrella. it was actually very calming, but i started to get cold and i had to come in.
so i came in and got fed up with people online, hence the previous post. i went to bed really late and woke up relatively early to get into the city to see lenore. before i even got on the bus to get me to the lirr, i was soaked. but it was worth it. lenore let me vent about all sorts of things and, if she knew it or not, she took my mind off everything, for which i am extremely grateful.
i then went to the boy scout offices in the empire state building to get some camp stuff taken care of. that's where i received some extra anguish. there's someone there who, for unknown reasons, hates me. and when i say "hates me" i don't mean he doesn't like me, i mean he hates me. i wish i knew why, but i don't think he even knows why. the hard part wasn't seeing him, but seeing one of my friends with him. i know they're friends, but i wonder if my friend stands up for me when the sarah-bashing begins, or if he just listens. i mean, when someone says something about him, i defend him. i just hope he does the same for me.
then i got through the rain to the train. my parents picked me up from the station and we went to my grandparent's house for dinner. i ate some challah and an apple before i went to the basement to lay down. i ended up falling asleep, which is bad because it's now Yom Kippur and i won't be eating until tomorrow night and I didn't eat nearly enough to keep me going for the next 18 hours. but what's worse is the way i got woken up. my father woke me up. (that's right carrie, my father, not my dad.) i mean, one would think that he would understand what i've been going through, but i've learned that my father is only sympathetic when it's convenient. he tried to give me a hug before dinner when i didn't want one and he let out a pathetic "well, i'm worried about you" that i know he didn't mean. and please, spare me the lectures about how he's my father and he really meant it. i have a long history of deciphering his messages and i know when he means what he says, on the rare occasions that it happens.
so that's what's been going on in my life. i appreciate the comments and IMs from many of you, but i think i'm going to have to deal with certain things on my own and in my own way. if i need an ear, i now know who i can call and who i shouldn't depend on. to all of you, thank you. and i say that free of any sarcasm. =]
--EDIT--
after reading what i wrote, i realize that it's times like these that i need my brother...