Severance, CO: Where the geese fly and the bulls cry
The beginning of the day's events that were of any consequence was going to a spa to get some wax done. I am a great fan of waxing one's eyebrows. I am more of a fan when you go to a place and they offer you complimentary tea, coffee, wine, beer, or champagne with your appointment. My time came up quickly and was done in minutes, and will now reap the benefits of this for over a month. Waxing doesn't hurt.
Any pain I felt would have ended as soon as I saw some of the spa's clientele. I feel so validated when I see people who have obviously had too much work done. It's like "ha ha, your vanity and shortsightedness has earned you two conical bricks that are going to perch at odd angles on your chest. Forever." Don't get plastic surgery, kids! Especially if you like hugging.
Once we were freshly waxed, it was time to go shopping at Macy's! While there, we discovered a type of bra. A special bra, one so special that it was advertised to "add two cup sizes instantly!" I made Camelia put it on in return for my silence and good will for the rest of the lingerie shopping. The biggest size it came in was a D, which was technically close enough. Despite my best attempts to endorse the result, she did not buy it.
I do not have boobs, so maybe I just don't know. Maybe it's not fun to be able to point your boobs at stuff? Maybe it's not fun to be able to use them as a shelf. It was like looking at a Bond girl. This was a super bra.
In less interesting news, there is a bra that is apparently designed to minimize unsightly backrolls! Is this really a problem? Are there common circumstances under which you will be wearing a bra where people will be looking at your back, scrutinizing its shape? The world of lingerie is a confusing one.
After that, there was hanging out with friends and a wonderful chicken dinner, all of which was designed to give us courage. In a way, my entire life has been leading up to this event. I was taken to Bruce's Bar. The purpose of this was so that we could eat some bull balls, but not too many, which is why we had real dinner first. The restaurant's website does not include a sample of the live band, who played country music. Of the people we were with, three liked or at least grew up with country music, and they all confirmed independently that it was terrible. I am also sad that the website does not include the murals that decorate the wall, which includes proto-furry porn.
If furry porn is currently in its renaissance, which a cursory look would suggest, then these would have been cave paintings. These crude depictions of muscular bulls with ridged abdominal muscles were painted fuzzily with halting brushwork, as though the artist was still struggling to find his muse. I felt honored to witness the beginning of such an internet institution.
Bull balls taste more or less like. Um. They taste kind of like chewy clams? Thankfully, they're sliced thin, so it's easy to divorce what you're eating from where it comes from. It is de rigeur to eat them with cocktail sauce, I guess because they're classy over in Bruce's Bar. The best accessory to Rocky Mountain oysters, though, is a very tall long island iced tea and copious castration jokes.
It was a good day. Fort Collins in general reminds me of Penn State, but like. Nicer, more car friendly, with more trees, and much, much hotter. I am drinking so much water here; it's insane. It's beautiful here; the sky seems so large and big when it's not full of clouds. There are plants everywhere, flowers are blooming... it almost makes me wish San Francisco had seasons.
Any pain I felt would have ended as soon as I saw some of the spa's clientele. I feel so validated when I see people who have obviously had too much work done. It's like "ha ha, your vanity and shortsightedness has earned you two conical bricks that are going to perch at odd angles on your chest. Forever." Don't get plastic surgery, kids! Especially if you like hugging.
Once we were freshly waxed, it was time to go shopping at Macy's! While there, we discovered a type of bra. A special bra, one so special that it was advertised to "add two cup sizes instantly!" I made Camelia put it on in return for my silence and good will for the rest of the lingerie shopping. The biggest size it came in was a D, which was technically close enough. Despite my best attempts to endorse the result, she did not buy it.
I do not have boobs, so maybe I just don't know. Maybe it's not fun to be able to point your boobs at stuff? Maybe it's not fun to be able to use them as a shelf. It was like looking at a Bond girl. This was a super bra.
In less interesting news, there is a bra that is apparently designed to minimize unsightly backrolls! Is this really a problem? Are there common circumstances under which you will be wearing a bra where people will be looking at your back, scrutinizing its shape? The world of lingerie is a confusing one.
After that, there was hanging out with friends and a wonderful chicken dinner, all of which was designed to give us courage. In a way, my entire life has been leading up to this event. I was taken to Bruce's Bar. The purpose of this was so that we could eat some bull balls, but not too many, which is why we had real dinner first. The restaurant's website does not include a sample of the live band, who played country music. Of the people we were with, three liked or at least grew up with country music, and they all confirmed independently that it was terrible. I am also sad that the website does not include the murals that decorate the wall, which includes proto-furry porn.
If furry porn is currently in its renaissance, which a cursory look would suggest, then these would have been cave paintings. These crude depictions of muscular bulls with ridged abdominal muscles were painted fuzzily with halting brushwork, as though the artist was still struggling to find his muse. I felt honored to witness the beginning of such an internet institution.
Bull balls taste more or less like. Um. They taste kind of like chewy clams? Thankfully, they're sliced thin, so it's easy to divorce what you're eating from where it comes from. It is de rigeur to eat them with cocktail sauce, I guess because they're classy over in Bruce's Bar. The best accessory to Rocky Mountain oysters, though, is a very tall long island iced tea and copious castration jokes.
It was a good day. Fort Collins in general reminds me of Penn State, but like. Nicer, more car friendly, with more trees, and much, much hotter. I am drinking so much water here; it's insane. It's beautiful here; the sky seems so large and big when it's not full of clouds. There are plants everywhere, flowers are blooming... it almost makes me wish San Francisco had seasons.