I... I don't even know right now. I haven't talked to my parents in almost a month. I miss them like burning, frankly, but I think I've hit a stubborn pride moment. My parents, no matter how many times I tell them otherwise, seem to think that if I don't contact them, it's because I'm mad, and I'll 'come back when I'm ready'. At the moment, I'm
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Obviously, I have not been privy to any actual information about the past few months, but... based on what I did know when we still spoke, and what I've seen on this journal, and in the name of what an amazing friendship we had, I wanted to tell you my honest opinion.
You need. To get. Help.
You say that you don't feel you can step away from life, but from my perspective, honestly, you're not having much of a life anyway. In my opinion, you can't afford to not step away from life and get yourself sorted out. You're having health issues and depression and anxiety attacks and seem to be holding yourself together by a thread, if these entries on top of my previous experience are any indication. I respect the fact that you are the master of your own life, and you have the right to choose not to get help/listen to advice/what have you, but...
Honestly? I'm looking at your journal and wondering very seriously if you'll even be around at this point next year, and that scares me, because it seems to be just getting worse and worse for you, both physically and psychologically. I want the best for you, I really truly do, and this...
This is not doing the best you could do for yourself. If you are THIS MISERABLE, THIS MUCH OF THE TIME, you need serious counselling at the very least. I'm not a big fan of institutions, and even voluntary institutionalisation, and I'm not advocating you do that unless stuff like therapy and medication in an outside setting don't work, but please, please, for your own sake... step back from the world as much as you need/can for a week, a month, a year, whatever it takes, and get yourself on track again.
You can't enjoy the life you have if you're too broken to function fully in it. Get help. You might lose a few months or a year to the task of putting yourself back together, but if it's that vs. losing half or more of your life to depression and anxiety and physical/mental exhaustion mostly brought on by both... I know which I'd pick, and which I'd encourage anyone I know and love to pick.
I hope you're doing better than you were when you posted this, and I hope things work out for you. Take care, dearling.
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