Maybe I can't follow through, but what else am I supposed to do?
I don't even know what I'm doing with this post. I honestly don't. I'm doing what I've done a million times before, trying to remind myself that there are people out there who care, reasons that I can't just give up.
To people who've tried to reach out, I'm sorry. I'm utter crap at responding sometimes. I'm probably one of the worst correspondents in the world, I cry that no one cares, and when people send bits of love, I don't say anything. Everything people say matters, though. I just have a problem with words sometimes. It all seems so fake if I can't hold on to something tangible. I don't have much tangible right now. Sure, I have more stuff than I have in quite a while, but I feel like it's just empty stuff. I feel like I have less to hang on to than I did when I had literally nothing. (twice, in fact.)
See, I have a problem. I can't see a reason for keeping it up if I'm not doing anything. It's a deep-seeded issue that hasn't really changed in years. At the moment, I'm useless. I can barely move myself around, and that's not helping anything. I don't feel like I can go out and fight the job market anymore. I can't keep telling people I'm awesome and they want to hire me when honestly, I don't even feel ok.
Honestly, I don't even know what people can do. Let me know that I am ok, send me love, send me letters... something. I'm just tired of thinking of what to do. For once in my life, I'd like people to actually... do something without me telling them what to do. I need help, people, I need connection, I need a smile.
Just... something. Please.
P.S. I hate summer. Too damned hot.
To people who've tried to reach out, I'm sorry. I'm utter crap at responding sometimes. I'm probably one of the worst correspondents in the world, I cry that no one cares, and when people send bits of love, I don't say anything. Everything people say matters, though. I just have a problem with words sometimes. It all seems so fake if I can't hold on to something tangible. I don't have much tangible right now. Sure, I have more stuff than I have in quite a while, but I feel like it's just empty stuff. I feel like I have less to hang on to than I did when I had literally nothing. (twice, in fact.)
See, I have a problem. I can't see a reason for keeping it up if I'm not doing anything. It's a deep-seeded issue that hasn't really changed in years. At the moment, I'm useless. I can barely move myself around, and that's not helping anything. I don't feel like I can go out and fight the job market anymore. I can't keep telling people I'm awesome and they want to hire me when honestly, I don't even feel ok.
Honestly, I don't even know what people can do. Let me know that I am ok, send me love, send me letters... something. I'm just tired of thinking of what to do. For once in my life, I'd like people to actually... do something without me telling them what to do. I need help, people, I need connection, I need a smile.
Just... something. Please.
P.S. I hate summer. Too damned hot.