Sadness. Who me, sad?
I have so much that I really need to do right now, and no energy or drive to do any of it at all. I've been sleeping, staring at my laptop, and generally being of no use to anyone.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Not in the slightest. It probably doesn't help that my mother seemed much more interested and worried about her possible tickets to see the White House Christmas decorations than me coming. (This might be the moment to say that she's been to the White House probably about six or seven times at Christmas. This isn't a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.)
Yes, I know that she would say that it wasn't what she meant at all, but it still bothers me. It's like when she was lecturing me and said that they 'took me into their house and raised me'. What? I've been told ever since I was ten days old that I was special, and that even though I was adopted, I was no less their daughter. How am I supposed to take that? I know that my parents are trying, I know that she didn't actually mean that, but it kriffing hurts.
I'm just hurting, and I don't know what to say or who to say it to. I need what doesn't exist: Someone with an open mind and no agenda. I'd like to talk to some religious figure, but I don't really feel like my priest would really give me what I need, and... I just. I don't know where to go right now, and everything hurts.
I kriffing hate the holidays. I hate being told by society that I have to be merry, that I should be with the people I love who I can't go see, that... oh, hell. Everything.
I just want to go curl up, have a good cry and somehow figure all of this out. I can't just sit back and accept things. I have to figure them out for myself. Ever since I was quite small, I have been told that I shouldn't 'check my brain at the door' in the words of one book I had when I was in middle school. People told me that I couldn't accept things just because people told them to me, that I had to accept them for myself. So, now, as I'm struggling, I want to figure out things for me, to know what I actually believe, not what people're telling me.
... that's harder than most people realize. There are too many people telling me way too many things. I just want to know what's going on.
And I need a hug. Like whoa. And I need something concrete.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Not in the slightest. It probably doesn't help that my mother seemed much more interested and worried about her possible tickets to see the White House Christmas decorations than me coming. (This might be the moment to say that she's been to the White House probably about six or seven times at Christmas. This isn't a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.)
Yes, I know that she would say that it wasn't what she meant at all, but it still bothers me. It's like when she was lecturing me and said that they 'took me into their house and raised me'. What? I've been told ever since I was ten days old that I was special, and that even though I was adopted, I was no less their daughter. How am I supposed to take that? I know that my parents are trying, I know that she didn't actually mean that, but it kriffing hurts.
I'm just hurting, and I don't know what to say or who to say it to. I need what doesn't exist: Someone with an open mind and no agenda. I'd like to talk to some religious figure, but I don't really feel like my priest would really give me what I need, and... I just. I don't know where to go right now, and everything hurts.
I kriffing hate the holidays. I hate being told by society that I have to be merry, that I should be with the people I love who I can't go see, that... oh, hell. Everything.
I just want to go curl up, have a good cry and somehow figure all of this out. I can't just sit back and accept things. I have to figure them out for myself. Ever since I was quite small, I have been told that I shouldn't 'check my brain at the door' in the words of one book I had when I was in middle school. People told me that I couldn't accept things just because people told them to me, that I had to accept them for myself. So, now, as I'm struggling, I want to figure out things for me, to know what I actually believe, not what people're telling me.
... that's harder than most people realize. There are too many people telling me way too many things. I just want to know what's going on.
And I need a hug. Like whoa. And I need something concrete.