This is how fucked up I am
I've been thinking a lot about the dustin situation and what I'm going to do with it. I really like him. Not like I liked Justin but I'm pretty hung up.
I pretty much only like guys who I know nothing can feasibly happen with. I know Dustin is leaving for Alpena in two weeks, and I've know that since the beginning. So he's safe, you know? He'll only be gone seven weeks and he'll be back on some weekends, and I can always go down there on my weekends, since I'm about to be unemployed, so it wouldn't really be the worst situation ever, but it definitely wouldn't be convenient either.
The other thing is, he'll tell me to call him or that he will call me at whatever time, and he either won't call or he won't answer. Not always, and his work schedule is weird and he can't always answer his phone, so it's not that big a deal, but it's shit like that that really gets me. so then I sit around and wait.
I've always been one of those people who gets pissed of at chicks who ditch their friends for some guy, and I suddenly want to do that all the time. I mean, given the chance to go to the bar with the regulars or sit around with Dustin doing not much of anything, I'd rather be with him and I hate myself a little for that. I don't do that. Like tonight for example we had tenative plans but he had to work later than expected so I'm going to the soo to drink with the people up there because I don't feel like sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. But secretly, yes, I do.
The other fucked up thing, is that since things have been getting more serious, I've started talking to my friend Mark from the Soo who has always had kind of a thing for me. Just in case. It's like any potential relationship I start, I have to have someone in the background, because then if things go awry (which they always do) , I can say oh well because I was already seeing someone else anyway. It's like I need to cheat before I get cheated on.
Dustin would be good for me in a lot of ways. He's not much on going out to the bar, and he's getting to a point in his life where he's settling down and actually starting a career. And I think I would be much better off with someone like that, than someone like me. We even each other out.
I've stopped sleeping with other people since I started sleeping with him, and that made me realize something REALLY fucked up about me. Since me and bob broke up, I use sex as a tool. It's like it's the only way I know how to express myself about anything. If some chick pisses me off, I sleep with her boyfriend/husband/crush/brother/whoever it is that will piss her off the most when she hears about it. If I feel jilted by some guy, I sleep with his best friend or brother. If I like a guy I sleep with him immediately because I don't know any other way to express that. If I see bob at the bar, I make sure to go home with some dude at the end of the night, just to show him that I can. It's so pointless. It sure sounds like I have daddy issues, but I don't think I do. I mean, there are always those nights that you drink too much and wake up next to a bucket of yuck, as Dane Cook says. Everyone who lives a life like mine has those moments, and whatever, I'm young that happens.
So, basically, the prospect of having an actual adult relationship terrifies the hell out of me. Dustin asked me one night about my previous relationships and all that shit, and once I got done telling him, I realized that I had nothing that even compares to an adult relationship, not even close. With bob it was all high school crap, and it stayed that way, and that's essentially why it ended. Rich pretty much just got used, and I couldn't really stand him. that was me showing the world that I could actually have a relationship. Everything since then hasn't lasted long enough to even be called anything important. So that's kinda scary to me, that Dustin has had important relationships and I have nothing like that, so basically I'm doing this blindly.
I'm stopping now. I need to go drink.
I pretty much only like guys who I know nothing can feasibly happen with. I know Dustin is leaving for Alpena in two weeks, and I've know that since the beginning. So he's safe, you know? He'll only be gone seven weeks and he'll be back on some weekends, and I can always go down there on my weekends, since I'm about to be unemployed, so it wouldn't really be the worst situation ever, but it definitely wouldn't be convenient either.
The other thing is, he'll tell me to call him or that he will call me at whatever time, and he either won't call or he won't answer. Not always, and his work schedule is weird and he can't always answer his phone, so it's not that big a deal, but it's shit like that that really gets me. so then I sit around and wait.
I've always been one of those people who gets pissed of at chicks who ditch their friends for some guy, and I suddenly want to do that all the time. I mean, given the chance to go to the bar with the regulars or sit around with Dustin doing not much of anything, I'd rather be with him and I hate myself a little for that. I don't do that. Like tonight for example we had tenative plans but he had to work later than expected so I'm going to the soo to drink with the people up there because I don't feel like sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. But secretly, yes, I do.
The other fucked up thing, is that since things have been getting more serious, I've started talking to my friend Mark from the Soo who has always had kind of a thing for me. Just in case. It's like any potential relationship I start, I have to have someone in the background, because then if things go awry (which they always do) , I can say oh well because I was already seeing someone else anyway. It's like I need to cheat before I get cheated on.
Dustin would be good for me in a lot of ways. He's not much on going out to the bar, and he's getting to a point in his life where he's settling down and actually starting a career. And I think I would be much better off with someone like that, than someone like me. We even each other out.
I've stopped sleeping with other people since I started sleeping with him, and that made me realize something REALLY fucked up about me. Since me and bob broke up, I use sex as a tool. It's like it's the only way I know how to express myself about anything. If some chick pisses me off, I sleep with her boyfriend/husband/crush/brother/whoever it is that will piss her off the most when she hears about it. If I feel jilted by some guy, I sleep with his best friend or brother. If I like a guy I sleep with him immediately because I don't know any other way to express that. If I see bob at the bar, I make sure to go home with some dude at the end of the night, just to show him that I can. It's so pointless. It sure sounds like I have daddy issues, but I don't think I do. I mean, there are always those nights that you drink too much and wake up next to a bucket of yuck, as Dane Cook says. Everyone who lives a life like mine has those moments, and whatever, I'm young that happens.
So, basically, the prospect of having an actual adult relationship terrifies the hell out of me. Dustin asked me one night about my previous relationships and all that shit, and once I got done telling him, I realized that I had nothing that even compares to an adult relationship, not even close. With bob it was all high school crap, and it stayed that way, and that's essentially why it ended. Rich pretty much just got used, and I couldn't really stand him. that was me showing the world that I could actually have a relationship. Everything since then hasn't lasted long enough to even be called anything important. So that's kinda scary to me, that Dustin has had important relationships and I have nothing like that, so basically I'm doing this blindly.
I'm stopping now. I need to go drink.