LJ Idol Season 11 - Week 0
Week 0 - Introduction
So. An Introduction. To who? Don’t know any movie stars or other famous people.
Oh. You want me to introduce myself. God, is this going to be one of those horribly awkward things they do to break the ice at conferences, that makes us introverts uncomfortable and the extroverts don’t need anyway?
What do you want to know? Ok. You want to know me? I’m not even sure I know me.
I’ve spent way too much of my life trying to be what others wanted me to be.
The perfect daughter.
The dutiful student.
The great employee.
The giving friend.
The one who gives and gives and asks for little in return.
Different people see the Becky they expect to see. If you asked people from different parts of my life to describe me, you’d get very different answers. I learned very early from bullying peers not to let people in as they’d learn information and use it against you.
So, there was the church me, the goody two-shoes who only listened to Christian or classical music, never swore, and happily signed her true love waits card.
The school me, teacher’s pet, not popular with her peers, taken advantage of, bullied about her academic interests, her weight, her disinterest in drinking, sex, and parties.
The home me, under the watchful eye of two deacon parents, perfectly behaved as expected (most of the time), well read, modest, with no interest in doing things with her peers, listening to music, reading books or going places that her parents didn’t approve of.
The friend me, desperate to keep the few friends I had, giving in to what others wanted to do, very rarely saying no or asking that we do something I’d enjoy more, or to listen to the music I liked. Who hung out at the mall even though it bored her to death, as teenage girls were supposed to love shopping.
And inside, buried deep, chafing under all the restraints I’d put on myself or accepted others putting on me, was me. Who wanted to listen to secular music and not sneak it at friends houses, to go to the symphony or the theatre instead of whatever was the teenage movie of the week. Or, really, would be happy to stay home and read something that wasn’t for school. Who talked to the teachers because she needed an intelligent conversation. Who didn’t really care about so and so’s party - but it would be nice to have been asked, just once.
So few people know the real me. Even my best friends don’t know nearly as much as there is to know, and in some cases, as much as they think they do. I was bullied so much in school for being an unpopular, overachieving kid that I really learned to hide my eclectic, geeky side. It has taken till my late thirties to even begin to let that side of me out again.
So. Me.
An introvert. A Ravenclaw. A geek. A bookworm. A quilter. A fabric hoarder.
Might as well get the negatives out of the way. I’m a people pleaser, conditioned to let people walk all over me. I’m horrible at setting boundaries and at self-care. I give and give until my cup is running on empty. I’m working on not letting anyone make me feel guilty for not saying no or taking time to refill. I’m incredibly messy which is definitely not a great trait. I’m very overweight which is affecting my health, but I’m working on that. I can be very sarcastic and unintentionally hurt people. I’m trying to be better about that, too.
As for my likes and dislikes, I’m eclectic. VERY eclectic.
What you hear coming out of my stereo depends on the day and my mood. I have a deep love of choral music, sacred music, Broadway, big band, classical and classic rock.
My health isn’t the greatest. I have a horrible relationship with food, I love everything I shouldn’t eat. Fried chicken, potatoes, cheesecake, chocolate… I’m learning to like and cook vegetables which is a gap in my culinary skills. I’ve lost 45 lbs in the last 3 months, and I’m working on regaining my health. I’m going down to part time next month and then taking a sabbatical in January from my high-stress job.
I love art, architecture and design. My favorite painters are by the impressionists. My favorite paintings are Van Gogh’s “Starry Night”, Seurat’s “Sunday on the Island of La Grande Jatte” and Monet - pretty much everything, but especially his paintings of Notre Dame and the waterlilies. But I have favorites from a ton of different styles. I surprise myself sometimes with how a piece speaks to me. I despise modern art for the most part. I have a thing for stained glass, whether it is in a tiffany lamp or a cathedral.
I love color. I very rarely wear color. I’m getting better about that. Jewel tones - amethyst, sapphire, emerald, ruby… I pour tons of color into my quilts. My favorite color is purple. I love the brights and black and white together. I’m very slowly getting bolder with my pattern and color choices in my wardrobe.
I collect things. Snoopy stuff, as my aunt bought me an ornament a year as a child. They have their own tree now, as do my Disney ornaments. I love the British royal family, and have a large collection of antique teacups and other things, including a glass plate from Queen Victoria’s jubilee in 1887. Also just teacups I find pretty - about the only items in my house you’ll find with floral patterns. Cat stuff. I would dearly love to collect another cat, but Dad is adamant that isn’t going to happen.
I love books. Any kind of books. Especially mysteries. Cozies, police procedurals, forensics - that goes for TV, too. Miss Marple is my favorite sleuth. But I read pretty much everything. I own 11 bookshelves and they are all packed almost full. Everything is sorted by subject and the fiction is alphabetical by author.
I quilt. My hobby is cutting apart perfectly good fabric and sewing it together again. I also love to read, listen to music, bake, and do pretty much any kind of craft.
In the past few years, I’ve been making a conscious effort to figure out what of me is really me. Some things are surprising me greatly. Some are not. My geeky/nerdy side is much more secure as an adult and I’ve been letting it out to play more.
Well, you haven’t left yet, so hopefully I haven’t scared you off.
Come on in, sit awhile. Hopefully you’ll find something that will make you want to stay.